Some of you who follow my blog know I am for the most part typically happy and positive (at least I like to think I am). You also know I can get downright low about some things and I have crappy days, as we all do. Well, yesterday was one of those crappy days and it is oozing into this day. I don't know what it is about seeing a different number bracket on the scale that makes me throw it all away. I don't know if that was really it anyway. There are some things I can't really talk about on here and then there are just those everyday, monotonous things that eventually you just want to break free from. I am a stay-at-home mom, and I love my work and I LOVE, no I ADORE my children! However, sometimes after weeks and months of constant need, need, need- whine, whine, whine- cry, cry, cry- no sleep, no sleep and no break from the little kiddos I just want to run and scream! Instead I indulge my poor mood into food and ignore the fact that I really should just ask for help and get out of the house. So, last night I just said, "Screw it! I don't care right now! It's not fair! Why do I have to fight and struggle and claw for a healthy weight?! I am going to feel sorry for myself..."
I knew I would feel this way this morning- defeated by my own self, guilty and just blah. But, I did it anyway and I threw away my hard work and effort the past few days all just to fill my belly. And, that is all it did- filled my belly... and now for Valentine's morning I feel like a slob and an idiot (hopefully I can turn things around for the rest of the day).
Anyway, I probably should just keep my lowness to myself, but in real life and no one wants to take time to listen to a whiny baby complaining about what in the grand scheme of things is really not that big of deal. So, I chose to write this and cast it into the ether (and so please accept my apology for doing so). The truth is: SO WHAT, that I have to diet and put myself through all this to lose some pounds!
At least I am healthy! At least my family is healthy! At least we have food! At least we have a roof over our heads for the time being! At least we have love and happiness! At least I have this beautiful, wonderful family!
There is a lot worse out there that I could be dealing with right now, and I guess this makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I am not trying to beat myself up here (well I guess maybe I am). I mean I don't want to, but sometimes that is all I can do- if that makes sense.
But I can put all this aside for the moment to let you all know how grateful I am to have you "in my life." And, I also send wishes of love and joy to each and every one of you today (even within this "thumbs down" post). I also send it to myself and of course to the one I love! Love you babe!
Love yourself. Love your loved ones. Love life.
Me and my Valentine a long time ago in Jackson a long overdue time alone without our first baby- taken before I became pregnant with our second child... (just so you all know I photo shopped this picture- I was actually around the weight I am now. I photo shopped it long before I knew about HCG- I am such a vain dork!
but who cares- I love it!)
but who cares- I love it!)
We all fall off the wagon from time to time; the important thing to remember is that the wagon keeps moving whether we're on it or not. Wallowing in self-pity and munching away the ____ (pain, boredom, stress, anxiety, insert your own reason here) happens to the best of us. Now get up, dust off your britches and hop back on the wagon. Here... I saved you a seat.
ReplyDeleteCaitlin-- I love you! Thanks for this post:) I feel ya babe! Sometimes I run and run and work so hard and then do the same thing and get up the next morning thinking how worthless that all was. Anyway, I guess that's part of our life and our personal journey. I just wanted you to know I'm glad I have you going through it with me. Somehow knowing someone else feels just like you makes it all better:) So, thanks:) and I hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteits so easy to get caught up in our failures, which are a such a small percentage or our lives, and not remember to focus on our successes and our tenacity, fortitude and strength in the journey. You know that for 20 something days you have stuck to the plan and persevered. For perhaps 8 hours of those 20 something days you fell off the wagon. It doesn't deserve the energy you give it. Move on, you are already successful and this small glitch cant take that from you!
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