Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy, happy Halloween

Today has been a very happy, happy Halloween already. I bought a pair of jeans! Size 9/10! It was great! My friend came with me and it was so nice having her opinion. The last time I went shopping for jeans I had to begrudgingly and disappointedly walk over to the plus section. I remember that day about a year ago like it was yesterday. I remember how I felt and the feelings I had were those of helplessness, embarrassment and anger at myself for letting myself get to this point. The futility of desperately tyring to cram myself in a 14 was awful. I remember snapping at the skinny girl who came to the fitting room door to ask if anything was fitting, "NO!" And then adding, sheepishly, "I think I need to go up a size." So there I was in the plus section not knowing what to do about myself: "This is it, this is going to be me." Oh, how I wish I knew then what I know now. :)

I will remember this day also! I will remember the afternoon of Halloween '09 when I met a great friend downtown to go shopping. I will remember defeating the weight I had acquired. I will remember feeling good about myself. What a victorious day!

Can't wait to take the girls trick-or-treating tonight! The sun came out today and started melting off the record amount of snow we received this October. However, it is nice because there are a couple places who sponsor indoor trick-or-treating, which is wonderful because you just never know how the weather will be.

On a final note, I will leave you with a picture of me in the pair of pants I bought today (size 9/10) while holding up the ones I bought a year ago (size 16). Sorry, about the poor quality. I couldn't get it all in one picture, but I think it is pretty interesting. I can almost fit into one leg of the old pants. Wow! :)

Have a wonderful Halloween, everyone!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

One Lovely Blog Award

To accept the award, post it on your blog, along with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Be sure to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I was nominated for this award by Christy in Seattle. Thank you so very much! I really appreciate it and feel very honored!

Now, I get to pass the award on to some other worthy bloggers!
  1. Hormonally Changed Gal You have truly become a great friend to me through this process. I am glad to have met you through this network of HCG blogs and I appreciate your honest opinions and inspiring encouragement and progress!
  2. Journey to Me Via HcG You have openly shared your story beyond weight loss, and it is wonderful! We can all learn a lot from detailing how our weight loss journey inadvertently leads to growth in other areas of our life.
  3. Autumn's Rosier Days Love your blog and learning more about you. You have a lot to offer!
  4. My Journey with hHcg We have been through a lot of ups and downs together. :) I love the honesty of your blog and I have always looked forward to your posts.
  5. my HCG journey We are content for now, members of the 140's and it has been nice reading your progress and encouraging each other at this kind of weird stage in the game.
  6. Losing with HCG Your blog is a visual delight! You are a very encouraging person. Congratulations on your weight loss thus far!
  7. Confessions of a Chocoholic I love how upbeat you are and the joy of life you have which comes out in your posts.
  8. Miss Mary's This and That You crack me up! I know you won't fail me on giving me a laugh or two. Congratulations on your journey!
  9. Christy in Seattle Seriously, can I nominate you again?! :) I LOVE your blog and I love to read wonderful writing! You have a great voice and a great story!
Okay, so that wasn't 15, and I am sorry if I left anyone out... Have fun passing it on to others! ...and, much thanks again! :)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

One of those posts...

Wish I had something interesting to write about, but I really don't. Enjoyed a snow day today and have been putting off dishes and laundry, which I am going to regret tomorrow. :) P3 is going okay... I need to start exercising more and putting a little more effort into quality meals. I have been up over 2 pounds already, but got it back down without too much of a fuss. I just have been so lazy lately. Perhaps seasonal depression, except I don't feel depressed- just want to stay cuddled up under the blankets all day. :)

Anyway, a big thanks for all of your wonderful comments on my most recent experiment. I had a lot of fun doing it and looking at myself differently. It was nice being able and willing to share all of that no makeup business. :) Hope everyone is doing well!


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Au naturale- part deux

Okay, so here are the shots done as chipmunck suggested (minus a smile), because these were my original photos and I just didn't smile, and I am pretty much done with taking pictures. haha! I do agree, though- the pictures should be more similar to show the true contrast between the two people you see. Thanks for the suggestion! I still personally think makeup can do wonders. :) However, I don't have a problem with the "no makeup Caitlin." This is incredible, because before I would never leave the house without at least some concealer and mascara. It was just not done. I went to the grocery store yesterday without makeup and I do it a lot more now. And besides I am sharing it with the whole world and it wasn't all together that long ago I didn't even want my husband to see me without makeup. :) Additionally, he still teases me, because my luxury item if I were to go on Survivor would be mascara. I know I am a dork. haha! If my eyelashes showed up without the aid of the black gunk that would be awesome, but they don't and I sincerely believe my eyes are the best attribute to my face.

Would others be willing to do this? I think it would be interesting to see other people flaunting their undone faces alongside their painted ones. :)

Au naturale

I have been wanting to write a post mimicking an exercise in beauty by Tyra Banks: my face without a stitch of makeup and my face with the usual makeup. So, here it is in all of its glory. You decide: au naturale, or for pity sake's put on some makeup! And, if you don't want to be scared a couple days before Halloween avert your eyes! :)

Me, you guessed it without makeup. I look so sad and tired. :(

Me, with makeup. Huge difference! Ordinarily, because of my coloring and light eyelashes and eyebrows I look a little plain, but then with a little enhancement I can accentuate different features of my face. I am all for loving who you are naturally, but a little makeup never hurt anyone. :)

I would also like to share my new real estate picture! The first one was taken when I was about 6 months pregnant with my second daughter. I think I Photoshopped my arm, also. The second one was taken a couple weeks ago. Big difference again! I had braces in the first one, hence why no smile and in the second I not only don't have braces but my front tooth has been repaired. I damaged it and chipped off a big portion in my early teens. I used to hate my smile. Not anymore! So, my transformation is really almost complete! :)

Monday, October 26, 2009

The 180 pound me?

When I am going to quit mentally expecting the 180 pound me to return? It is seriously getting a little annoying. Tonight I opened up a forgotten drawer in my closet and looked at some of the items and closed it promptly thinking to myself, "Oh, those are way too tight. Yuck.":( I then stood up and thought further to myself, "What are you thinking?! They aren't going to be tight anymore!" So, I reopened the drawer tried on some things and right now I am sitting typing this post in a long, lost over sized pair of pajamas.

In the same breath, however it has been nice ridding myself of those self-conscious, tugging at my shirt hem moments around other women who I perceived to be skinnier than me previously. I hated feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin! I hated feeling inferior to others who were skinnier than me. I hated feeling like everyone was thinking I was so fat. I hated feeling like I needed to blend in more and not stand out. I hated feeling like my shirt wasn't long enough, or big enough to hide all my fat. Which were ridiculous feelings anyway, because no one really cares and I should not have been so narcissistic as to think people even gave a second thought about how I looked at 180 pounds. Now, sure people sit up and take notice, which is oh so nice. And, now I don't mind, of course. :)

So, this brings me to a point I have been mulling over for some time. Would I, could I have ever been "fat and proud?" Are people who claim to be "fat and proud" really fat and proud? Do some really feel great being fat? Perhaps, but I don't think I ever could have. Perhaps, I am too easily swayed by the pressure of what is supposedly beautiful in this day and age? Perhaps, I was not in touch with my body at 180? All I can say, is right now I cannot believe I was 180 pounds. I remember being uncomfortable bending over and I definitely could not be the active person who I love being. So, how could I have been proud of that? I am proud, now- even regardless of not being the "skinny" we are told to be. I am proud because I can move, feel healthy, shop for clothes marked with one digit (I love seeing that 8/10). I am proud because I have changed myself for the better. Not really sure where or how I wanted to end this post, but just wanted to get some observations out there and in print.

I am not fat anymore! I need to quit being startled every time I am not met with the larger and the gone for good old me. It is a weird feeling. Does anyone else have these feelings? Oh, and my hair has been falling out in exorbitant amounts for quite some time. Is anyone else having this problem too? Just curious. :) I hope it is just due to the HCG and will soon subside. I also hope I don't have to start writing a blog titled: Bald, but hey I'm Skinny. haha! I am so funny, eh? :) I had the same issue after both of my pregnancies. So who knows?...

That's all folks! :) Until next time...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I am short

In response to a comment made on my previous post. Thank you helderheid! You are far too kind! But, I do have some weight to lose because I am only 5' 3 1/2". I am pretty darn short. However, I don't think I need to get down as far as my BMI says I should. I wrote a post titled: BMI Calculator

In this post I explore different configurations of weight and height when plugged into the mechanical output of the BMI calculator. I came to the conclusion that I think BMI is completely ridiculous and shouldn't be taken too seriously. I don't think I need to be 105 or even 115 pounds, but I think getting into the 120's would be kind of nice and furthermore the 130's would be fantastic too! We will see? :)

It is amazing when I think of the shrinkage that has occurred in my body: 180... 170... 160... 150... 145! I wonder what my body will look like with a further decrease of 145... 135... 125... ? I should be really happy! I am really happy with the loss I have achieved!

If wishes were horses

There are times when I wish I would take more time to do more of the things I love. Here I will reveal a little more about me and the other goals, dreams and wishes I have other than losing weight. :)

I have drawn since a very young age and I really love it. I do a drawing every month of a different house around our city for our local real estate Home Guide advertisement. It is a lot of fun. I like being able to meld a few of my interests together: art, architecture, history and people...

I am aspiring to be a children's book author. I was accepted into the Institute of Children's Literature and it is absolutely amazing! Someday I hope to see a book published and my name in print. :)
As I have mentioned before, I love to run! I want to do more... I want to run a marathon next spring.

I love designing interior spaces to the best of my ability. These are a couple examples of the rooms I did in our home. I painted the tree on the wall in the nursery and I think it is so pretty! This room started out with lime green tile and dingy walls and drab curtains. I would love to do more simple makeovers for other people...

A couple other examples...

We have beautiful mountains here in Wyoming and Colorado is not too far off either. I would love to hike more.

I would like to make more crafty things. I have always thought it would be so neat to have my very own creative room in the house.

I do have my real estate license. However, I have not really put much effort into becoming the best REALTOR® I possibly can. I mainly help out at our new office and am getting to a point where it might be more enjoyable for me since I will have care for my children during the time I work! That is exciting!

The concept behind the name of our company my husband decided upon, Raving Real Estate is to be so good at what we do and the relationships we procure that we create Raving Fans who refer us with great enthusiasm. Also, notice the spinning "V" on our sign. Pretty neat?! :)
I really love photography and would love to someday perfect my equipment and skill.

Draw, write, run, interior design, photography, real estate, AND my biggest desire: I would love to get a horse again someday... I grew up with horses and this is the longest I have been away from the wonderful animals. I would also like to ride in a couple endurance rides. They sound like so much fun and a great way to meet other horse people. All in good time...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

My interlude and completion

This post has been long overdue, but here is what has happened during the final days of my second round. Back forever ago, it seems I messed up my round good and proper like with an extra gain of 3.2 pounds to land me at 152. 4 pounds. I think I just didn't feel like I did enough damage, but the above gain definitely snapped me out of it. I promptly lost quite well over the next 4 days. I had an average loss of 1.8 pounds loss per day. I lost a total of 6.8 pounds to arrive at 145.6 pounds. Then I got sick... :( I quit taking HCG for the 3 days I was sick. My weight held steady. I decided to start it back up, but after one day of taking HCG I decided to just give it up for now. I have been so worn down from being sick and I just didn't want to keep it up anymore. I can be proud of how I ended. Round 2 is done and behind me. :)

I have about 2-3 months before I start my third round and hopefully final round. :) I am quite excited, because I am looking forward to enjoying how I look and the different clothes I can wear over the holidays AND, the possibility of getting in the 120's next round!!! :) Possibility, I am not going to get too hasty with setting exact numbers, but it is definitely exciting! I am also excited about exercise! I have missed my long runs and other athletic activities. It feels so good to run now, I just love it! On warmer days I would like to start getting out on my favorite dirt road and leave all my worries in the dust for awhile... The wide openness of the Wyoming landscape can absorb and engulf seemingly huge problems and put them all back into proportion. :)

So, there you have it! I know I kind of left it a mystery as to what exactly happened to me during my brief interlude. I just needed to get through without the distraction and pressure of blogging and over thinking it as I have the tendency to do at times. I can just get too bogged down and forget to just take it day by day. I will need to remember that for next round. I get so focused on what goal I must attain that I neglect to keep it simple: drink lots of water and green tea, if you feel your will power waning do something to distract yourself and just keep going... Ultimately, that really is all there is to it. However, easier said then done as we all know. :)


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Be who you are...

I am overwhelmed after reading all of the posts I have missed over the past days. What stories! What heart! It is really amazing what you all are sharing...

A documentation of an HCG experience can be more than just information and log of gain or loss. These blogs can unfold a person and uncover complex elements of a person underneath the facade of what appears to be simply a weight loss journey. I sincerely believe our physical bodies can reflect a manifestation of all our life experiences, pains and joys, wants, insecurities, delusions and clarities, loves and hates. I think it is of interest to think of our bodies as a sort of visual representation of our condition. Shedding weight that has piled on for various reasons can be an incredibly weird process that can be at separate or simultaneous times both liberating and distressing. Working through those issues reveals more than pounds and inches, but heart and soul for lack of a sufficient vocabulary.

When I started out writing my own blog I did so in the spirit of recording the facts and numbers. Incredibly boring looking back on my early posts. But, I guess I needed to start somewhere. Start writing. Start sharing. Begin finding a way to get it all out. I hope to continue to dig deeper within myself. It is kind of scary, though. I don't know if I want to be such an open book? :) That may be the Cancer in me. Can I really be honest with all the other things in my life which seem peripheral to the subject, but in reality augment the situation greatly? I am reminded of the following quote:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

Blogs are interesting phenomenons. At the tip of our fingers we have this wealth of real life experience written by everyday people on thousands, quite possibly millions of subjects and yet the ramifications or benefits, if any are relatively unknown because of its short existence?...

I want to write more, but my head is whirling from still not feeling completely up to par and also from so much to think about. Hopefully, tomorrow...

I have missed you all! Thanks for sticking with my slightly incoherent, sputter of thoughts tonight. :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Back among the living

Hello, everyone! I am happy to announce I am back among the living. I have been horrendously ill with the flu and if I could erase the past three days from my memory I would happily do so. :) I will catch up with my reading and updates soon! Good day to you all!

PS- I just wanted to send out a huge thank you to all my readers! 25 FOLLOWERS!!! That is so awesome! I never would have imagined... I am quite flattered and appreciative of all the support and encouragement I gain and can give through this HCG bloggerhood we all contribute to.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Profile picture and red hair

This post is to address a comment made on a previous post suggesting I change my profile picture. I completely agree, and I made the change! My original profile picture was taken about a year ago. My husband took it of us girls while we were setting up to take a family Christmas picture (see below). I always liked it because I was in all black, my kids were hiding me and therefore no one could really ascertain my weight (I was 180.), and I was smiling regardless of having braces on my teeth (which are gone now and my smile looks great, but that is a subject of another post).

Aren't my little girls so adorable! My little baby has changed so much though, well both of them for that fact. They grow up so quickly.

On the subject of my hair. I did put a semi-permanent color in my hair to brighten and add more color. I am a natural redhead, however, a strawberry-blond to be more accurate. Both of my little girls have red hair, too. How did my husband get so lucky? ;) Poor guy, I am surprised he hasn't headed for the hills yet. Watch the following youtube video to get what I mean if you don't already know about people with red hair. ;) I think it is pretty hilarious!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Loss of insulation

Let me just say, winter in Wyoming. I am freezing my behind off! This is due in part to the loss of insulation I have grown accustomed to over the past six or so years. All of that fat did serve a purpose, I suppose. :) haha!

Hope everyone is doing well, today! And, those of you in a cooler climate- stay warm my skinny comrades. :) :) I did have a loss today! 1.2 pounds to be exact! So, I am getting there and it feels good to be back on the trolley!... patience... patience... :)

Halloween costumes

I ran across these costumes and if we had a Halloween party to attend, someone to watch the girls and the confidence ;) (working on that) these would be the three costumes I would choose between. My favorite is the Queen of Hearts, though... I never thought I would even consider such a costume, but here I am! :) Kind of fun!

Click on the picture to go to the website for a closer look.
There are hundreds of costumes to choose from!

I will update in a couple days as to my progress through this rough patch. Some things you just got to work out privately and come back alive on the other side to tell the story. I am doing just fine, though. In the meantime, I will continue to read all of your posts while I post some thoughts and similar posts as this one. Thank you to all of you for being there for me!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


weigh in: 149.2 pounds
gain of: 1.6 pounds

I am shocked! I weighed myself 5 times this morning. I got four readings of 149.2 pounds and one reading of 150.4 pounds, which resulted because I did not put my feet squarely on the foot pads. Anyway, I was sure I was going to see 155. something or even more! So, I am shocked in a good way and after you read the list of all the food I have been eating you will see why. The past 4 days I have consumed: lasagna, candy corn, crackers, stew, cheese, walnuts, trail mix bars, chocolate kisses, potato soup, caramels, grapes, apples, bananas, garlic/herb chicken with the skin, chex mix, etc, etc... I have also drank a ton of water and tea. Additionally, I would go a good part of the day eating just a few apples and drinking water, and then I couldn't take it anymore and I would break down and just eat what was available. This sounds just horrible! I really am embarrassed. :( Sorry guys, I told you it was bad. :)

What is done is done, I can't look back and I should just be happy I didn't gain an extreme amount of weight back. Today I am prepared to eat properly again and see how much I can lose before my HCG runs out!

Good day of losing to everyone! Until tomorrow!

Growth through self sabotage...

I said it, the "s-s word:" SELF SABOTAGE! I am doing it, BUT not for long...

Have you ever had a "pep talk" with yourself in the mirror? And, if not and I am the only crazy out there- forget this post. :) :) Well, I have had one with myself. I asked myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself? What is wrong? Can you get over this soon?" My answer is as follows: "I don't really know." Yep, that is a lame and the kind of answer my 4 year old replies with whenever I pleadingly ask her why in the world she did something.... However, sometimes it is true. I just want to eat and all the food I should not. I guess, I hit the 140's and temporarily lost control. Perhaps deep down inside I don't really want to allow myself to be slim and happy with my body.

A person cannot really know what it feels like to be heavy if they have not experienced that kind of weight on their own bodies. A person cannot really know what it feels like to lose an exceptional amount of weight in such a short amount of time if they have not gone through that kind of transformation themselves.

I am assuming some have to take a moment and perhaps experience a relapse of sorts to catch up mentally? That is what I am feeling right now. While in Colorado Springs I did a little shopping and every time I passed a mirror and saw my reflection, I was surprised. Almost as if I thought for sure it could not be real. The next one will show my true reflection and it won't be the "skinny Caitlin" I see in this one. Well, there was no cruel joke or unveiling of anything peculiar behind the mirror. It was me. It is me. I keep trying to convince myself that this is me. I guess, that is why I keep the most recent picture of me in the title of this blog. I can't yet get it into my head! This is crazy! Why?

Here is a little background story: Just in time to enter junior high school, my family and I moved to a little town in Wyoming. This is where and when it all began. I was very tall for my age and "built." I have always had a strong body and this is something that I have both loved and disliked about myself. Puberty was not so kind to me in the weight and height department. My tallness came to an abrupt halt and the weight started piling on. The boys would harass me incessantly. They would "oink" at me and call me pig while chasing me around the schoolyard. It was absolutely devastating to my young and fragile complex. I couldn't understand. I was extremely athletic and very active in basketball and track and yet I could not shake these assaults on my appearance.

I did not date all through high school. Part of this was due to my crazy parents who would not allow me to date until the age of 16 and by then I was just a friend and (socially inept in this area) who could not possibly be looked at in any other way. Why do I tell you all this? Not to blame anyone or pity myself, but I guess to reveal some of the reasons behind why I am so hard on myself. I have not believed I am beautiful for a long, long time. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful for a really long time. I think more importantly, though I feel a sense of release as I tap out the words archiving this segment in my life. It was just that, a short period in my life. It did not last forever. I was not ugly and I was not fat. I do not hate those boys. :) It was just high school. Some have much more of a difficult time, and through this life experience of my own I can transform my self pity into compassion and awareness.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will face the scale tomorrow, and remain composed whatever the outcome (at least I hope I will :)). I still have enough HCG to get me back in control. I want to end in control and proudly. I don't really care what weight I reach, because I am looking damn good. :) Yes, I can say it! I love this journey! I love this change! I love the growth I have experienced through losing weight. If I can change this aspect of myself, I can change anything else about myself.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Hello, everyone! I am so sorry to be gone so long! We are visiting the girls' grandparents and hope the weather will break so we can return home tomorrow. Crazy snow! I have caught up on all my reading. I am happy for many of those who are having much success and identify with those of you who are struggling...

The past 3 days have been awful. I have been so incredibly bad I don't even want to go into the details. :( I have not weighed myself since Thursday and don't plan on doing so until Tuesday. I am not looking forward to revealing the damage I have done. Let's just say, being on a diet at grandma's is not so conducive to weight loss or improving my weak and already failing will power. Tomorrow I plan to do a good apple day while drinking lots of water. I am going to continue until my HCG is gone so I can try and pull myself out of the situation I have put myself in. Wish me luck! I am seriously going to need it...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I really do want to tell everyone how very much I appreciate the help and support! It is so wonderful to have people there when you need either a little boost or a correction. A comment made in my "whiny" post below was from Journey to Me Via HcG:

"I don't get your math. You need to do at least 21 days plus the 72 hours after the last dose weight (otherwise you'll have problems resetting the hypothalamus). So if I understand correctly, Saturday would be your last dose day. If you're doing shots, that means you start P3 the morning of the 13th, so just 5 more days of VLCD. If you're doing SL, then the evening of the 13th you could start P3."

Last round I asked the same exact question in a support group and a couple people replied that I would have to go at least 23 days, however they didn't say how and break it down so I could understand. I just took it to be true- 23 days of taking HCG and then 3 days of VLCD without HCG. So, this is why I like having this blog and exchanging information on a more personal basis. We follow each other's stories and care about each other a little more than if we were just in some huge support group. I am very grateful for the help, because I can do 5 more days- I think. :) I am going to get through to Saturday. Wake up Sunday and make a decision to keep going a little more on HCG or not. Thank you so very, very much!

Okay, so negate the above information. This is the correct time frame: Thank you! :)

"I AM SO SORRY - it looks like I may have given you incorrect information. I thought I had it right, but in looking at Pounds and Inches again, here is what it has to say about minimal time on the protocol in order to reset your hypothalamus:

Pages 51-52:

"We never give a treatment lasting less than 26 days, even in patients needing to lose only 5 pounds. It seems that even in the mildest cases of obesity the diencephalon requires about three weeks rest from the maximal exertion to which it has been previously subjected in order to regain fully its normal fat-banking capacity. Clinically this expresses itself, in the fact that, when in these mild cases, treatment is stopped as soon as the weight is normal, which may be achieved in a week, it is much more easily regained than after a full course of 23 injections.

As soon as such patients have lost all their abnormal superfluous fat, they at once begin to feel ravenously hungry in spite of continued injections. This is because HCG only puts abnormal fat into circulation and cannot, in the doses used, liberate normal fat deposits; indeed, it seems to prevent their consumption. As soon as their statistically normal weight is reached, these patients are put on 800-1000 Calories for the rest of the treatment. The diet is arranged in such a way that the weight remains perfectly stationary and is thus continued for three days after the 23rd injection. Only then are the patients free to eat anything they please except sugar and starches for the next three weeks." Journey to Me Via HcG

What if?

Tomorrow will be Day 19. I am fading fast, more than I would really like to admit. This round has kicked my butt. I am going to ask all my wonderful readers and fellow HCGer's out there one simple question: What if? What if a person does not go the full 23 days? What happens? Yeah, yeah- I know I am almost there, but seriously I just don't want to keep doing this to myself... It is another 8 days really if you add the 3 maximum days and 7 days if you add a max of 2 days after discontinuing HCG. I was thinking of just taking it easy through the rest of the year and then doing a third round in January. My hope is that I would be ready for round 3 and therefore able to really focus and get down to a possible 129 pounds??? That would be another 18 pounds from what I weigh now. When I work out the numbers it is a little disheartening. Still 18 pounds to go, phewwww! If, somehow I can continue on round 2, I won't do another round (unless I really screw things up and gain an exorbitant amount of weight back- *knock on wood,* please :)). If, somehow I can get down to 139- that would be it for me, theoretically and based on the moment right at this time. But, if I do end up doing a third round I would hope I could stick to it with greater ease and therefore lose at least 18 pounds.

I feel like crying right now, because I feel like I have failed. I feel like I should be able to do this and yet I am fighting myself so furiously. I am seriously struggling so badly during this round. Do I just need to suck it up and get through the next 7 days minimum? Or, can I call it good? And, from everyone's experience is round 3 easier? I mean, even just a tad more easy and I would be happy! I know things that are worth while don't come easy, but.... jeez!

Oh, by the way, because I am sure everyone is wondering what happened on the scale this morning- I only lost 0.2 pounds. I followed everything precisely! I screamed while standing on the scale. : { Please talk me out of this! :) Maybe I should just go until Friday and then see what happens? Except I gave in and ate 3 caramels a couple hours ago. :( I don't know what it is about the caramel!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 17, Round 2- I can do this!

weigh in: 147.6 pounds
loss of: 1.6 pounds
total loss to date: 14.4 pounds

This morning I am back at the lowest weight I have attained while on this diet. I can do this! Only 8.6 pounds to go! Yesterday, was a nice day all things considering. I didn't have any hankerings or urges which is always good. :) I drank a lot of water and green tea. I also ate two apples one for lunch and the other about mid afternoon. I just didn't feel like eating lunch. For dinner I ate some hamburger with taco seasoning and spinach, tomato and onion on top. It was good.

I am anxiously awaiting weigh in tomorrow morning. :) I think I have it all out of my system. Time will tell, but I feel good and ready to take on the upcoming days! I am just glad that I have remained honest with everyone and myself through not only my successes, but more importantly my struggles. There have been days when I just haven't wanted to fess up, but have done so anyway. It is of no help to me or others if I don't tell the truth and nothing but the truth...

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 16, Round 2- GET TO 139.

weigh in: 149.2 pounds
gain of: 1.6 pounds
total loss to date: 12.8 pounds

average loss of: 0.9 pounds/day (if you round up :))

Yesterday I had an overwhelming desire to eat again. I fended off the hunger and desire since the day before yesterday, but couldn't hold out any longer. I weighed my options. We were going to a dinner party at our friends house that evening and I really wanted to eat the food. And, boy am I glad I did! The tenderloin was so tasty I ate quite a large portion! The salad, cheese and crackers, mushrooms and dessert (yep, I ate a little bit of apple streusel) were so delicious! When I look back on it, I am glad that I made the decision. I am going to have to go longer than 23 days more than likely, so it was nice not to kill myself or guilt myself yesterday. I can manage an increase in weight and stomach issues which accompany such a decision. I am dealing with the consequences. :)

I am also wondering how long it is going to take me to hit 139 pounds??? I am thinking, as I have last round to cut my losses, admit I just don't have the stamina to wait it out until I hit my goal (132 lbs.) and get as far as I can. I am going to push myself until I reach 139 pounds, and see what happens from there. That is only another 10.2 pounds instead of the 17.2 pounds it is going to take to reach 132.

I don't know if this is just cheating myself or not? However, I am just so very happy with how I look and feel! I would love all of your input on the situation. I also, really appreciate all of your comments informing me that apparently the second round is typically more difficult, for reasons that are not exactly clear. I think for me it is mainly psychological, but I am also having more difficulty keeping my energy up. So, this is my advice- if you are losing consistently on your first round, go as long as you possibly can. You won't regret it! I think I could have pushed through another 10 or so days and at a constant pound a day loss I would have been further along going into my second round. I don't know? Hindsight is 20/20. :) However, honestly it really isn't because what is to say I would have kept losing a pound a day with relative ease? Who knows? You can only look forward and at this moment I just need to stay focused and determined- GET TO 139. GET TO 139. GET TO 139. This will be my mantra. :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Day 14 & Day 15, Round 2

Yesterday morning I had gained! I got up to 149.2 pounds, but this morning I am back down to 147.6 pounds. Go figure?!

Day 14-
gain of: 0.6 pounds
Day 15-
loss of: 1.6 pounds

Is my scale really acting up, now? I don't know? Yesterday I ate cleanly and the only thing I can guess from the day before that made me go up 0.6 pounds is I used a little ketchup on my turkey patty. I have used it before, though with no gains? Yesterday I took a brisk walk with my friend and did a yoga routine last night, so that probably helped me get back down.

Round 2 does kind of stink! It is more difficult, that is for sure! I am missing the consistency of Round 1. :( Oh well, I guess I should be happy because I have lost a total of 14.4 pounds during this round. Not bad. I am not counting gains and additional losses-162 (starting weight) - 147.6 pounds. I don't want to exaggerate it, although I have had to actually lose more than 14.4 pounds to be at 147.6.

So, here is to a good weight loss tomorrow! I also wanted to thank everyone again for the wonderful comments! Regardless, of some difficulty as of late I am feeling great and it sure is nice to have all of you following my story and giving me such encouragement! I LOVE reading all of your stories and being together on this! Oh, and thanks to my 12 FOLLOWERS pictured in the sidebar!!! That is awesome! Until tomorrow!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

quote of the moment

Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives. -Frederick F. Flack

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. -Charles DuBois

Friday, October 2, 2009

That's me?!

Yes, it sure is! I have always been so disapproving of most pictures taken of me, but that is changing. :) So, here is a picture of me to commemorate my entry into the 140's! It has been a good 5 years since I have weighed this much and I feel like celebrating! Not with food- just a nice picture of myself I can be proud of (no Photoshop- see post Good Riddance, Girdles! :)).

Have a happy weekend!

Day 13, Round 2- Back on Track!

Let me start with catching up from yesterday:
October 1, 2009
Day 12
weigh in: 150.6 pounds
loss of: 0.6 pounds

Now for this morning! As you can see I am pretty excited. :) I am in the 140's, YIPEEEE!!!!
weigh in: 148.6 pounds!!!
loss of: 2.0 pounds!
total loss to date: 13.2 pounds!!!

Yesterday I was not pleased at all and didn't want to share my disappointment. I felt like something was wrong and I was never going to lose more weight than I already had. This morning I feel back on track. So, to all my readers- if you're in a rut, try and keep your chin up. I know that sounds silly and basically impossible, because I am suggesting something that I couldn't even do. However, we need to try and see, that although we may be frustrated at the moment- there will be a morning when all that frustration is dispelled and you are renewed and ready to take on that fat by storm. HCG is AWESOME, and although we have been told a million times how it works and what to expect sometimes we forget and it ultimately takes a decrease of the scale reading to snap us out of it. We are fickle creatures, I tell you. :)

Anyway, here is what I ate yesterday. I apologize, I can't remember what I ate on Day 12, isn't that awful?! It was just regular protocol foods- nothing out of the ordinary.

lean ground turkey with sliced onion on top (I don't know if this is allowed, but I tried it anyway. The taste wasn't all together that great- kind of bland, but it seemed to work! :))
4 strawberries

I was quite full and due to poor scheduling and a hectic day I did not eat dinner yesterday. I had an apple about mid afternoon.

Good day of losing or maintaining to everyone!

Oh, and I forgot to point out another milestone I have reached besides hitting the 140 pound range. I have passed a total of 30 pounds lost since I started HCG in late July with a loss of 31.6 pounds!!! Look to sidebar. :)