Sunday, October 7, 2012

Week One Down!

I would have been updating all along this past week, but there has been computer problems going on around here.

So what is the week's result:  Down 7.8 pounds!

I say that is pretty darn good.  I am feeling so good and so very proud of myself.  I haven't been able to stick to anything for quite a long while and I feel like I can sustain this diet to the end.  I didn't experience any of the headaches or feeling poor either of detoxing.  It must have been the really good quality fats I loaded with instead of too much sugar.

The yoga is going wonderfully, and I am so very thankful to my oldest daughter for performing each session with me each night.  She has kept me with it and we have had such a great time together.  I love it so much, I wonder why I ever stopped! :)

I am on my way, and with a little persistence I will be back to my old self in no time.  I am just taking it one day at a time and relaxing into the process.  Enjoying it even!

3 more weeks to go!  And, then on to settling into a doable and sustainable maintenance.

Hope everyone is having a happy fall!  Love fall!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

New Plan: Hello, again! Day 1

I don't really know how to start this post.  If you are a loyal reader you know I have been through HCG, been very successful, started reading HCG was bad for you, decided I believed it to, went through with various other avenues to try and control my weight, got completely depressed about the whole process and myself... and now I am going back to HCG.

Now, I still believe the HCG diet is not that great for you, and there are many other wonderful options out there for people.  I sincerely believe I lost hold of stabilizing because I was torn, lost focus and a belief in what I was doing.  However, I don't really care anymore I guess.  I weighed in this morning and it is pretty bad:  181.8 pounds.

That's right people.  I have been feeling miserable, and not because I am tipping the scales at my old weight again, but because I have just been spiraling out of control.  So I decided I am going to do another month long round of HCG.  October is going to be the month!  Tomorrow is the first and today I am loading.  

The first item on the list to eat for loading:  Baked Oatmeal

Oh my word!  This stuff is amazing and so, so good for you!  Check out the link!  So I started out loading not with my usual list of terrible food, but rather with a nutritious meal packed with good fats, proteins, minerals etc, etc.  I soaked the steel cut oats last night and my little ones and I dined on a delicious pan of goodness straight out of the oven.  My kids love this meal!  My baby has not been eating much and this morning he just gobbled up a huge plate of the yummy oatmeal smothered in cream and topped with blueberries.  It makes me so happy to feed them well. 

So yes, I have incorporated healthful things in our lives for my children, but right now I am going to dig deep and get back to a good ole' round of HCG.  My icthyosis is flaring up again, and from previous posts some of you may know HCG is the only thing that has actually eliminated this skin eruption from visibility.  I can't wait to feel great and lose some weight.

So whatever people have to say about it, I am getting back to HCG.  My plan is to seriously dedicate myself to a full month and then prepare to transition into a different way of living.  I will be posting periodically about said way of living and trying to clear things up in my mind of how and what this means for me.  It is extremely difficult to change, but I am going to make an effort.

I will be trying out the HCG diet with a few alterations:  1. Still going to drink whole cream in my coffee in the morning. 2. Going to try out fried eggs this time.  and, I will update any further deviations I may try...

I also, may incorporate this meal replacement on days that I may not have the energy or time to eat according to plan (these days are inevitable for me, especially running around constantly getting kids to all of the various places they need to be):  Primal Fuel  It does have some carbs and sugars, but I will see how it reacts to this diet.  Also going to add this supplement:  Advanced Health Formula

Also, I will still be dedicating myself to completing my yoga book once again too!  This will be a time to back track to old familiar places that have worked in the past and can work again.

So there you have it my friends!  I said hello, I said goodbye and now I say Hello, again! :)

Can't wait to take a picture of myself without worrying about angles and cropping to make it look like I am slimmer than I am.  Although, I love this picture- I took it to make myself feel better about myself and instead it makes me just feel worse, because if anyone were to see me in real life it wouldn't add up... So here is to starting to take care of myself again and in the process feeling so much better!  

Update: Ordered the supplements and can't wait to try them out, especially the meal replacement.  In the past there have been those days that I have just wasted because I was bored and didn't want to fix anything and so started to eat something off protocol.  This might help?  Who knows!  

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Actually a plan starting to form!

As of yesterday I have been in the process of formulating a plan.  I am actually feeling like I can and want to start taking care of myself.  

I am planning on giving The Primal Blueprint 30 day Challenge a go.  I need to obtain resources to do this, such as supplements and a few books.  I just am not that clear on how to go about the Challenge as of now. I need to read up and get prepared.  But, I believe this is what I am going to choose as my challenge to get me out of this rut and hopefully on a path that will turn into something lifelong.

I am a bit overwhelmed.  So...  

...I am pulling out my old yoga book.  I need something familiar to go along.  I know it seems rather corny, but I absolutely love this book!  I made a determination to follow this book for the full 28 days a few times in my past and each time it has made small and yet profound impacts on my life.  I thought I might as well incorporate this simple book into the plan too.

In addition, I am going to make a commitment to start blogging again.  This blog is an actual visible, tangible expression of my progress (or lack there of, sometimes :)).  Remaining accountable to this little journal and all of you out there who follow causes me more directly to answer to myself.  I am going to try to write more for me than the audience too.  I don't mean this as rude at all!  Sometimes blogging can be wonderful, if it comes from a raw and untamed place.  And on the other hand blogging for me, can be actually detrimental, if it comes from a self-conscious and "outside of myself" place.  Now that doesn't mean I am going to reveal all, :) but it does mean I am going to consciously decide if my writing is aimed at actually improving my life and health.  If you all find it interesting all the better! :)  I am going to really make a strong effort and draw on that determined spirit I have had in the past, for which I am most certain I can summon again.

More to follow, as things become more clear.

P.S. Thanks my loyal, awesome friends for your comments and presence!  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

...just a little scared

Hello, hello! :)

Helderheid... you inspired me to write a post.  I was so glad to see your post!  You have done awesome and can't wait to see what more you do!

So here I am tentatively peeking my head around the corner, shyly dipping my foot in the water... insert any analogy here for someone who has stayed in the shadows for way too long and is just a little scared of the blinding spotlight.

...the self-confrontation spotlight is what I speak of tonight.  I have been ignoring myself for a long time now and to tell you all quite honestly I am kind of scared of acknowledging myself again.

I am scared of telling you all how I have fallen off the wagon about a hundred miles ago, rolled down a steep cliff, landed in a pile of something, not sure what :) and am sitting at the bottom not doing a damn thing to get myself out.

Also, I just read a post by Sheryl, aka. Bitch Cakes on her blog that may illuminate my struggles a bit more:  A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures

Something struck me in her most recent post:
  "I don't recall a specific moment or incident when I suddenly began to accept myself, but if I had to think about what caused the change, I am certain it started pretty early on in the journey. That’s important to note because the self acceptance didn't happen when I became a certain size or weight. It began to evolve simply from the act of taking care of myself - in regards to both food and activity. By taking control of my choices and my life, I was telling myself I was neither worthless nor hopeless like I had told myself for so long.
Making those positive changes meant I mattered. And making those better choices helped me repair the mental and emotional damage I had caused and subjected myself to for so long. By taking care of myself I was finally showing myself love and kindness and compassion - which I’m certain was what planted the seeds of self-acceptance." 
Self-Acceptance at Fit Bloggin, Bitch Cakes

Self-acceptance doesn't come from a certain size or weight, but rather "from the simple act of taking care of oneself."  Wow!  It just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is what these feelings of "worthlessness and hopelessness" come from- not doing anything to take care of myself!!!

I have been beating myself up non-stop this summer telling myself it isn't that difficult, what is your problem?!  Get it together already!  I get up and go for a couple days and then slip back, hit repeat button.  Taking steps towards caring for myself again might be the thing that breaks the cycle?  And, I am just a little scared.  That may sound ridiculous but it is the perfectionist/defeatist in me that makes me think I shouldn't even give it a try because I may fail.  However, the simple truth is I am already failing.  Not because I am no longer a size 8, but because I am sitting down.  Ultimately, all those inspirational photos are worthless if you don't take just one and let it get down into your soul, if you all can understand what I am trying to say.

Now I am not saying tomorrow morning I am going to wake up ready to go, but I am saying maybe just maybe you all might see me again. :)

Miss you all and I send out my love to each and every one of you!
Maybe I can turn this thing around yet!

Be well.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Pursuit of health

I am doing alright lately.  Got down to 162, and then realized I am still focused on the wrong point. I am in this transition period:  How do I go about becoming the athletic, healthy person I desire to be?  Do I want it bad enough?  I am not eating quite like I should and definitely not thinking about changing on a much larger scale to achieve what I think it is I want.

I am not eating enough of the right food.
I am worrying about the scale!  When am I going to get a clue?
I have been obsessed with diet, and not really sure how to transition to a lifestyle where I am working my ass off (or rather making rounder :)) and eating the correct foods and amounts to achieve this.
Need to get some books and make a plan.

I am going to be posting menus in a newly formed tab soon- to illustrate what and how much I am eating.  But for now I am just trying to wrap my brain around the idea of really going for it.  I know all of my excuses are not legit, but I am dreaming currently and flooding my mind with images such as the deluge of following images and inspiration.  Enjoy!

Got to make a change.  Got to figure out just how I am going to do it.  And then I have to start.  From Pursuit of skinniness to the Pursuit of health and fitness.

Thinking about pursuing the athlete within...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Day 1

weigh in:  164.0 pounds
loss of:   1.0 pound

Okay, here we go... :)

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

a good day, indeed...

Yep, it turned out to be a good day. :)

No nap for me today.  I stayed off the computer.  I got so much done and feel so happy about it!   ...I also, drank more water, stuck to my menu and feel great this evening.    

Also, just so you all know this nagging depression I have been experiencing is not recent.  It has been over a year or so (and reoccurring throughout my life so far).  I know it is not going to disappear overnight.  I may struggle my whole life, but for today I felt hope and not a fake smile til you convince everyone kind of hope... it felt real and that I can be proud of.  

Sometimes it irritates me so much that I pretend everything is alright when in reality I just want to keep digging my hole.  So, for what ever it is worth today I expressed an honest joyfulness and tomorrow is another day... I hope the planets stay aligned. lol! :) 

I am off to brew some tea, stretch and breathe and end with a little bath.

A good end to a day.   

Today is the day

I woke up this morning and all of the sudden decided today is the day.  What am I waiting for?  Apparently, I needed to address what happened and move on.  I learned what I could and appreciated that part of my journey.

So, I hopped on the scale:  165.0 pounds

Crazy stable, right?!  So here I go and now all that is left to do is keep on blogging and fighting every day to get to where I want to be.

I am also thinking the concept behind this blog will now be something like:  Going Against the Grain

It has multiple meanings for me in particular.  Obviously, a paleo-diet implication.  It also speaks to my recent deviations from majority held beliefs and actions.  I want to be able to continue to talk about all the things that create passion within me while sharing my personal story.

Edit to add:  Just wanted to share.  As I typed this post this morning I noticed certain feelings...  For the first time in awhile I feel an odd sense of hope and energy to take on the day.  I have been kind of stuck in a rut and going through a smiling depression.  My thoughts have been a prison and for today I feel a certain freedom.  I have been sitting down and today I feel a desire to make steps towards some of the goals I have only been pining for.  I don't feel my usual kind of melancholy pity.  I hope I can hold onto this lightness, but for now I am going to indulge these feelings of motivation and excitement and get on with the day.  So I will leave this computer and see where the day leads me.   


Monday, April 23, 2012

And here I am.

As you all have been able to see, I have seemingly disappeared.  Well, I am still here.  I just have not been quite sure on how to transition and explain everything.

My time on the SugarFree Protocol was enlightening while being very engulfing.  I had no problems with the protocol and the diet.  The only thing I can say about the protocol itself is that you better be prepared for an all-consuming endeavor.  Although, I managed to get everything timed just right it was difficult... and you eat a lot of food- a lot.  I have maintained insanely well.  However, I have just moved to following Paleo-Lifestyle principles.  I eat when I want (one main meal, sometimes a second small one), some days I do fast-- and there is such a wealth of information out there you could become obsessed. :)  Topics for future posts, I suppose.  I am having difficulty though preparing my mind to go down in weight and measurement again.  I want to, I just don't feel ready.

Anyway, the reason why I disappeared from the Protocol was a personal and professional issue I had with the Protocol's author and coach.  I could go into great detail about many frustrations I had, but I will leave it as simply this:  Three days before I was to go onto Maintenance she informed me I needed to send another $200.  So, I already paid $200 in the beginning that was made clear to be my only cost to her.  From the start she should have told me it will cost $400- half to be paid now and the other half to be paid before Maintenance.  I would have known and been able to make an decision from there.  Instead I had become fully invested and then right at the last minute and really for the most important part I was surprised with a new additional fee.  We ultimately, went back and forth and I was going to pay $100 for Maintenance, but then over the weekend I just couldn't muster paying even this.  When we make mistakes in our business we take the full responsibility and don't get irritated or snippy with our clients.  I just could not go on with her.  This was the "straw that broke the camel's back" for me.  I could put up with a lot and be patient, tolerant because I had much at stake, but there are just some things that aren't worth it.  I would rather take on a very complicated situation on my own rather than pay any more out of principle.

So, that is what I did.  And here I am.

Where do I want to go from here?  I am not exactly sure.  I keep wondering what I should do with this blog, but ultimately abandonment is not an option.  I guess it, and all of you hold a special place in my heart through all the ups and downs.  I think I will just figure out how to incorporate all the things I want to say here- under what kind of banner, I am not sure yet?  

Hope all are well wherever you may be!        

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Life change

I haven't had a chance to give thanks to you, my friends.  So, without further ado... thank you all for the thoughtful and insightful comments below.  You all are so good to me and support me at my weakest.

This second week has been tougher, but I also believe great strides have been made too.  I am going to continue the march on this road to health whether it kills me or not. :) lol!  No, I am just kidding... but seriously can sugar just be eliminated from the face of the Earth already?  Please?!  It would make this so much easier. :) :)

I know if I persevere the reward will be incredible and I will be able to release the grasp sugar has on me.  Easter is coming up, and I swear those damnable Cadbury Chocolate Eggs are around every corner.  I am sure if I put one in my mouth it would taste revoltingly sweet, but that still doesn't dislodge the idea from my brain.
I will get through this.  I will get through this. :)

Honestly, it is so embarrassing to discuss these seemingly overpowering cravings.  I wonder what is wrong with me?  But, I know there is nothing wrong with me that I can't fix.  You gotta want to be and feel better more than you want that disgusting, terrible, poison of sugary whatever.

I am entering my third week on SugarFree Protocol and I am determined to make this week awesome!  I love this Protocol, but life change-- any way you cut freaking hard. lol!  However, I just see a future of fitness, health and happiness.  I can see it!  I know it is there and I am going to take it!  This is a springboard, a foundation to build upon.  So here is to determination, perseverance and health!             

I will close for now.  I am here for you all, and I know you all are here for me.  With happy, health wishes to you all, goodnight!

“Be well, do good work, and keep in touch”. Garrison Keillor 
(American writer and broadcaster b.1942)

Okay, for real I am ending this post...  But just wanted to put in this:  We are expecting snow tonight.  Ahhh, summertime dreaming. :)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A better me

As of today, I have lost 8.6 pounds on SugarFree Protocol.  I had great measurements yesterday and am so happy with this diet so far.

However, as you all know I have some issues with success and failure.  I initiate self sabotage when either one occurs.  Yesterday evening, I cheated.  This morning I called up my coach on this journey with a regretful shame.  She however, made me realize I really need to take a look at this on deeper levels.  She made me feel so much better that this is not weakness, but rather a learning opportunity.  I really do need to learn about this at a root level and move on with my life.  I do think a lot of it stems from my mother (you guys know a lot of this background).  There are other factors too, which I need to work through with some help.

I just feel hopeful and happy to be on this journey.  I am going to not only become a slimmer me, but also a better me.

Hope you all are well and as always enjoying transformations on many levels! :)      

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Holy, moly!  I thought we just had to worry about religion, politics and sex as hot topics not to discuss. lol! :)  

Thank you helderheid and SugarFree for being so open and discussing all of these issues right here.  I know I follow some blogs that diet in ways I would never choose, but they still have something of value to me.  Perhaps it is an "agree to disagree" situation.

I would like to take a moment and just offer up my own personal experience.  I started HCG in 2009 and was a complete diehard for about 2 years.  Due to certain circumstances I started wavering in my belief about HCG.  I could not stick to HCG Protocol.  I could not lose more weight.  I did not feel well, and eventually gained back a lot of weight.

I now have gone from theory to practice (granted it has been only one week :))on the SugarFree Protocol ... I am obviously a believer so far.  I will continue to put it to the test, and the true testament for me will be maintenance.  This morning I woke up to another pound loss to take me up to a 7.6 pound loss in 5 days.  I should have gained according to Simeon's Protocol after eating a huge 9 ounce pork chop with potato and sour cream along with a ton of greens cooked in butter.  However, what makes me a believer more than the weight loss is my daily blood sugar tests and how I feel.  I have never felt better!  I have energy that was never possible while I was on HCG.  My fasting blood sugar started out really low at the beginning of this week- 63 low 70's (too much insulin being pumped out keeping them low) and now this morning my fasting insulin was 83.

So, what am I saying here?  I am merely saying all I can offer is my personal experience on this blog.  My experience so happens to take me away from HCG to try something else.  I do, however believe a more middle ground is where I would like to stand on this subject.  Dieting can be such a frustrating and at times painful experience.  It can also be enlightening and fun!  Anyone on this journey deserves respect and care.

I know while on HCG I made great reflections and learned a lot about myself and made extremely wonderful friends!  You all know who you are. ;)  It is ultimately what brought me to where I am now, a place of hope again.  And in this, I hope that in whatever and however we choose to walk the path of trying to get healthy we continue to have the courage to talk about what we believe will all the passion we can muster.  That is how things get better, dialog and listening.

I wish you all a happy weekend!  And thanks again for the discussion that occurred here.  People who come to this blog can read and make their own determinations.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.  Confucius

Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC) 

In addition, just thought I would put a picture of me with my sweet little middle child taken yesterday.  We are so anxious for spring and can't wait until all the snow has melted.  But for now we are going to enjoy the sunshine.  Put on some yellow and gear up for spring!   

Edit to include:

I have never wanted to jump into the diet debate even on HCG.  It is not one of my crusades. :)  I have plenty, but this is not one of them.  It is a topic I really don't have adequate knowledge or extreme passion to debate.  I merely give a personal account.  That is where my sort of passion lies- telling my story.  Whether it helps or hurts I take responsibility.  I post personal diet information out there (HCG and SugarFree Protocol) not to change the mind of people, but to simply share my personal narrative.  I commend people who have done much research and are out there to make the world better... no formal education necessary.  I also, commend people who care deeply for their friends support and love them and who work really hard on their own health journey.  Thank you to helderheid and many others for sticking with me through what seems to be a controversial transition!  :)

And, thank you so much for the sweet comments.  Even at 166 pounds I am loving the person staring back at me. :)           

Friday, March 9, 2012

How my thread works...

Thanks helderheid, for the question.  It is a little confusing for sure!  So I have one thread (so one post that will get longer and longer).  You click on my name in the right column and then scroll down to find my most recent post.  You can continue to comment if you so wish... it is just on the same post. 

I post everyday (except not sure about weekends yet).  Thanks so much for all your support helderheid and LD!

And here is a funny and a more serious inspiration for today. :):)   

Hope all you out there are well! 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Popeye the Sailor Man!

I think I have eaten more greens in the past two days than I have in the past year! :)  On this now third day I am actually so excited about it all!

So here are some pictures of only half the spinach I had to eat- so double the amount below to reach 8 ounces of spinach!

All 8 ounces in the skillet!

Aww, there we go!  Not so bad... :):)

And here I am!  Add some red hair and hopefully some better proportioned forearms and I am well on my way! :):)  So far I have lost 4.6 pounds in 2 days.  Not too shabby.  Feeling pretty great.

(now of course I don't only eat spinach.  Go here to read the full story- Caitlin)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I am up and running...

Hey, all!  I am finally on SugarFree Protocol and am doing pretty well so far!  You can follow me here:  Caitlin

My introduction does not say all that I should have said, such as:  I don't hate HCG or look down on anyone who does HCG or any other diet.  I just have had to find a new path, and right now this is the one I am on.  I love you all and miss you guys!  So glad to keep up with some of my HCG friends, though!  We are all on our journeys and work really, really hard to achieve our weight loss goals!  Press on and see what we can do! :)

Goodnight and until next time!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

You all are so awesome!

Seriously, I wrote that post thinking it would just sit there and I could be content knowing that it was out there and not in me, you know.  But little did I expect... the friends I once was so tight and in rhythm with would show up with such encouragement!  

I love you all and am so thankful to you all for reaching out to me...

I will try to be back later... I just didn't want to let this moment to pass to say thank you!


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Do I even care?

There comes a time in life when you could be on the verge of disaster... or perhaps greatness.  I  believe I am at one of those junctures (not to be dramatic- but that is how it feels to me at the moment).  Anyway, the path diverges into two paths, or so I think.  What really lies before me is a dizzyingly, confusing array of infinite paths changing constantly based on present causes and actions... blah, blah, blah  :)  

So to get right down to the point.  I think I am going to start anew.  A new blog.  A new focus.  This will be based on what determination I make now.  I need to do something NOW to make a change in myself and in my life... for those around me who depend on me and love me.  I also need to make some sort of change for myself.  No one likes feeling down, stagnant, trapped or hopeless.

However, as I write these words they somehow ring empty, hollow.  I have a tinge of feeling that I am just full of shit (for lack of better descriptors)--- that I won't do what is imperative- that I will continue to sit down- that I will fail because I failed to even try.  I hate this feeling most... not really believing my own words... knowing deep down that perhaps I just really don't care. 

Please let me be wrong and let me resolve to push the above feelings away and push on and forward--- get over this hump, get around this bend, get out of this rut, get out of this hole...  whatever it is it has lasted far too long... and I need to get as far away from it as I can!      

I just needed to send this out into the ether.  I hope you all are well in whatever, wherever, and however you are...   miss you all!