Monday, December 14, 2009

Day 18, Round 3- On the tenth day of Christmas

weigh in: 142.8 pounds
loss of: 1.6 pounds

Yahoooo! Lost it all- again. My true love is in my good graces again. :) I really need to concentrate on moving forward to those 130's. I don't want to ping pong around at this weight, that is for sure! Only 8.8 pounds to go to reach my mini goal of 134 pounds. Stay focused, stay focused!

Thank you all so much for the encouragement yesterday and the nice comments about my tree and orb light. ;)

So, here is a little more on the story I started yesterday. I have been disowned by my parents and sister. Initially, it all started with just the fact that the man I was dating was Buddhist. I met my husband 6 years ago. My parents are fundamentalist Christians (which I had no idea of growing up). Now, that I look back on it, it does come clear. We didn't belong to any specific church, because none were correct enough or strict enough. Anyway, they were not having it anyway at all that I would want to be with anyone of a different faith.

In the beginning of my relationship with my husband, they took my horse, tried to take my dog (I eventually got her- but had to take her back myself), emptied my bank account (my mother was still on my account at that time), tried to break into our apartment (we did move into together after about a year of being together) and steal all of the heirlooms I have received from my great-grandmother and great-aunt, tried to send me anywhere I wanted to go as long as it was far away, tried to demonize my husband and threaten me with hell and not being able to go to heaven to be with them in the afterlife, my father actually physically assaulted me (and as he had his hands around my neck he said, "You would be better off dead.")- and then later tried to get into a brawl with my husband... oh and broke into my own apartment and read my journal, etc... the list goes on!

I am finally at the point where I am able to let go to the extent possible to not cry every day or think about it everyday. I miss my family. I wish they wanted to be a part of my family (my Dad has never met my youngest, and my oldest we had to practically force her on him when she was 2 months old). It still and will always hurt, but I am just glad it has reached a point where I feel like I have done everything possible and within my control to allow them to be a part of our lives.

Just recently my father got into a terrible motorcycle accident and it was touch and go. My family and I rushed over to the hospital he was flown to to be with him. Later when we were talking with my mother about the situation, because when he finally came out of it he didn't want to see me. She asked, "Why have you come over anyway?" I replied, "Well, because Mom it frightens me that he could die and the last time I saw him was almost 3 years ago (he removed himself completely from the situation for a long time) and I never had the chance to tell him I love him. Wouldn't you do the same if I was close to death?" She looked me straight in the eye without hesitation and said, "No, no I don't think I would." Even after that about 3 weeks after he was home I still went over alone (at their request) to see him. That visit went well (and my mother stayed away), but everything is back to how it was. They haven't asked me to return, or to come over to our home, or to have all of us come over or anything. We are just supposed to give and give and they don't have to put in any effort. My father was extremely rude to me the last contact I made with a phone call on his birthday this past August just a few weeks after our supposed "good" visit.

Oh, and at the visit to my old home to see my dad that is when I was introduced to HCG. My mother she asked me, "So, when are you due?" Yep, my own mother said that to me and then proceeded to tell me about HCG and how she had lost 23 pounds or something. I am just glad I didn't brush her off, because she has a terrible way of getting people excited about something that could help them. Her judgmental nature and sadistic leanings towards me always come out during these times. Even to this day I have wrote her a couple emails to merely thank her and reveal to her my success. She acts almost mad that I have accomplished such success and am happy and confident about my body for really the first time in my life.

Okay, sorry why do I tell you all this? I am not exactly sure- but it felt good to just kind of spew it forth and just let it be. It is what it is. I have a beautiful family who love me and who I love dearly in return. My parents-in-law have embraced me with open arms from day one. In addition, my family except for my immediate family and one aunt still love me and want to be around me and my family. I really don't know what I would do without my Grandma (mother's mom) and my other aunt (mother's sister). I just love and appreciate that they judge me based on me: she is still the same "Cait" (everyone used to call me that growing up) we have always known and loved.

I will leave you with our family Christmas photo- my focus now, my reason for living, my reason for loving, my reason for enjoying life.


  1. I bet it took a lot to share that story, but I feel like I know you so much better now. You just need to hold on to the beliefs that matter to you! No matter what other people say! I'm glad we're friends!

  2. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your family. As Jamie said, I too feel like I know you so much better. What a strong, beautiful spirit you have!

    Releasing weight also releases stored emotions. It's so good for you to write it out and get it out.

    Thanks again for sharing this and thank you for sharing my journey as well.

    MAJOR Cyber HUG!

  3. Your comment on my blog cracked me up! Why would I want you to shut up? As long as youre not being mean, I love reading comments! Im soooo interested in HCG, but unfortch, Im a big chicken. Ok, Im going to read the rest of your blog now.

  4. LOL! I am glad I cracked you up. :) I meant it jokingly- I guess I just assume people will revolt against us HCGers. :)

    And, thank you so much Jamie and helderheid for the comments I think I was a bit whiny or something in this post and revealed too much, but I am glad I wrote it because I think I get more sensitive and even a little angry about the loss of my family around Christmas. It baffles me and makes me feel like I could reason with these people and make them want me and my darling family in their life- so in that regard I need to get it out. I need to allow myself those feelings even if for the most part I have gained control of my emotions in regard to it all.

  5. Oh, and Monica if you don't want to read through all this nonsense I would be more than willing to help you kind of get the basics. Read the manuscript first (see side bar links). And I will write a post soon that may be helpful?

  6. I admire you for telling your story. I love your blog, you are an inspiration. Just think of all the people that love you when you're feeling sad. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Just because they are family doesn't mean that they should be allowed to disrespect you. You are a strong person and setting a great example for your kids. Just keep doing what is right for you!

  7. I think you need a hug: *hugs to you*! You seem like such a sweet and caring person. I'm sorry that your parents have missed out on knowing your husband and children. Families can be such a mystery sometimes.

    Many of the things you shared were very familiar to me, because of my sister's marriage and how my parents reacted to it. Both of my parents are now dead, and sadly, they never knew their 3 grandchildren. There were the same physically violent interactions, but with me, instead of her. They were mad that I would either take her side, or not take theirs. There were many ugly arguments with many hurtful things said. Both the physical and verbal things left emotional scars.

    What I did learn from it is that you can find a 'family' that loves you and accepts you for 'you', that you weren't born into. You will find alternate 'family' through dear friends or other family members, that aren't part of your nuclear family.

    I love the picture you shared of your husband and beautiful children....

  8. Thank you so much for sharing lavenderdiva. I am so sorry you had a similar experience and that they never knew their grandchildren (this is what I fear)- but I commend you for standing up for what you believe is right. It is not easy to stand up to your parents even if they really don't have a beef with you. I sincerely believe if my sister and I were reversed I would fight for my sister. However, my sister chooses the easy path time and time again- the path the keeps her in my parents good graces and allows her to revel in their undivided attention now.

    I think it says a lot about which side a person is on in an argument when that person is willing to threaten and abuse others for siding with the person they are actually in disagreement with. My parents have done that with not only my sister but everyone else in my family. My mom told my grandmother that she should not love a granddaughter more than a daughter. My grandmother told her she was crazy and that she could and does love us both. Which I completely agree with- it does not hurt me that my grandmother loves my mother, but somehow it hurts and angers my mother that she does the same for me. I don't know- crazy and I have to laugh because if I don't I might cry. :)

    The truth always reveals itself and as long as I do my best to treat them with respect regardless and leave the door open then that really is all I can do. (Thanks about the comment about my family, btw! I am pretty proud of them. :))

  9. Sheryl-

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad you like my blog and I checked yours out and am excited to start following yours!

    And, I think I can gain a lot from this experience in relation to my own girls. If I have anything to say about it they will never know the pain of losing their parents to their own pride and judgmental vices. I have learned so much about my own capacity to love and forgive. Thank you again!

  10. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself Caitlin.

    The holidays can be such an interestingly emotional time. Especially where there is dysfunction or loss it tends to try and drag us to the darkness, but I believe you sharing so honestly what's on your heart and in your head right now shined light on the situation allowing you to not sit with it and allow it to take you to really emotionally dark place.

    I know you can't help but get sad or mad about it some days, however it seems you're handling with such grace and respect the tough (big understatement) relationship with your parents. *Big Hug*

    Your post is an excellent example of how to process the emotions that are the real reason we put the weight on.

    You are an amazing woman; talented, inner and outer beauty, and you have a beautiful family!

    Thanks again for sharing!

  11. Wow your blog left me speechless. I know it has and still is at times incredibly painful for you. It amazes me how many people who claim to be following in Christ's footsteps are so unlike him. Continue to love the wonderful husband and children you have been blessed with. You are abeautiful woman in so many ways.

  12. Thank you TP and Miss Mary for your additional comments. You have no idea how much it means to me and really helps me. It is a hard time of year and I talked with my husband today (finally) about why I have been kind of in a funk lately. He told me to allow myself these feelings and that it is okay to feel for these people and miss them. I am going to send my mom and dad a Christmas card tomorrow- for whatever it is worth.

    Thanks again.

  13. I'm so sorry. I can sympathize with this. My little sister will not speak to me unless there's a family emergency, and my mother and several of my aunts aren't supposed to.

    That is a tremendous pain. Thank goodness that my mother is in my life, even though it can't be publicly ... and I know that she loves me.

    Still ... what religion would prevent family from being together? I just don't get it!

  14. I think it is truly against God's will to have families torn apart like yours...agree with Christy and second her thought about religion preventing family from being together! Thank goodness that you have a wonderful immediate family of your own now and that your husband is so supportive. Don't forget you have tons of friends who support you!