Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Growth through self sabotage...

I said it, the "s-s word:" SELF SABOTAGE! I am doing it, BUT not for long...

Have you ever had a "pep talk" with yourself in the mirror? And, if not and I am the only crazy out there- forget this post. :) :) Well, I have had one with myself. I asked myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself? What is wrong? Can you get over this soon?" My answer is as follows: "I don't really know." Yep, that is a lame and the kind of answer my 4 year old replies with whenever I pleadingly ask her why in the world she did something.... However, sometimes it is true. I just want to eat and all the food I should not. I guess, I hit the 140's and temporarily lost control. Perhaps deep down inside I don't really want to allow myself to be slim and happy with my body.

A person cannot really know what it feels like to be heavy if they have not experienced that kind of weight on their own bodies. A person cannot really know what it feels like to lose an exceptional amount of weight in such a short amount of time if they have not gone through that kind of transformation themselves.

I am assuming some have to take a moment and perhaps experience a relapse of sorts to catch up mentally? That is what I am feeling right now. While in Colorado Springs I did a little shopping and every time I passed a mirror and saw my reflection, I was surprised. Almost as if I thought for sure it could not be real. The next one will show my true reflection and it won't be the "skinny Caitlin" I see in this one. Well, there was no cruel joke or unveiling of anything peculiar behind the mirror. It was me. It is me. I keep trying to convince myself that this is me. I guess, that is why I keep the most recent picture of me in the title of this blog. I can't yet get it into my head! This is crazy! Why?

Here is a little background story: Just in time to enter junior high school, my family and I moved to a little town in Wyoming. This is where and when it all began. I was very tall for my age and "built." I have always had a strong body and this is something that I have both loved and disliked about myself. Puberty was not so kind to me in the weight and height department. My tallness came to an abrupt halt and the weight started piling on. The boys would harass me incessantly. They would "oink" at me and call me pig while chasing me around the schoolyard. It was absolutely devastating to my young and fragile complex. I couldn't understand. I was extremely athletic and very active in basketball and track and yet I could not shake these assaults on my appearance.

I did not date all through high school. Part of this was due to my crazy parents who would not allow me to date until the age of 16 and by then I was just a friend and (socially inept in this area) who could not possibly be looked at in any other way. Why do I tell you all this? Not to blame anyone or pity myself, but I guess to reveal some of the reasons behind why I am so hard on myself. I have not believed I am beautiful for a long, long time. I have not allowed myself to be beautiful for a really long time. I think more importantly, though I feel a sense of release as I tap out the words archiving this segment in my life. It was just that, a short period in my life. It did not last forever. I was not ugly and I was not fat. I do not hate those boys. :) It was just high school. Some have much more of a difficult time, and through this life experience of my own I can transform my self pity into compassion and awareness.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will face the scale tomorrow, and remain composed whatever the outcome (at least I hope I will :)). I still have enough HCG to get me back in control. I want to end in control and proudly. I don't really care what weight I reach, because I am looking damn good. :) Yes, I can say it! I love this journey! I love this change! I love the growth I have experienced through losing weight. If I can change this aspect of myself, I can change anything else about myself.


  1. I totally understand what You are saying!! This is harder the second round but I am back too and that 9 lbs I gained with the binge and my s word will come off.

  2. I love how honest you are. You are incredibly beautiful. I will say you are the best blog to read because you are so honest about the struggle. I look at hcg as sort of a miracle. But at same time it is one that I have to contribute too, in that I have to do my part. Thank you for sharing about your younger years. And your mind not catching up to your new body. I never thought about that factoring in. So much food for thought :)

  3. Thank you Miss Mary, for your comment! Being completely honest with everyone and myself included during this weight loss venture has done something to me which I don't think would have occurred if I had not made the decision to unapologetically share my story. It has made me work through a lot of different aspects of weight loss which would not have even been addressed let alone resolved. Thanks again!