Monday, October 26, 2009

The 180 pound me?

When I am going to quit mentally expecting the 180 pound me to return? It is seriously getting a little annoying. Tonight I opened up a forgotten drawer in my closet and looked at some of the items and closed it promptly thinking to myself, "Oh, those are way too tight. Yuck.":( I then stood up and thought further to myself, "What are you thinking?! They aren't going to be tight anymore!" So, I reopened the drawer tried on some things and right now I am sitting typing this post in a long, lost over sized pair of pajamas.

In the same breath, however it has been nice ridding myself of those self-conscious, tugging at my shirt hem moments around other women who I perceived to be skinnier than me previously. I hated feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin! I hated feeling inferior to others who were skinnier than me. I hated feeling like everyone was thinking I was so fat. I hated feeling like I needed to blend in more and not stand out. I hated feeling like my shirt wasn't long enough, or big enough to hide all my fat. Which were ridiculous feelings anyway, because no one really cares and I should not have been so narcissistic as to think people even gave a second thought about how I looked at 180 pounds. Now, sure people sit up and take notice, which is oh so nice. And, now I don't mind, of course. :)

So, this brings me to a point I have been mulling over for some time. Would I, could I have ever been "fat and proud?" Are people who claim to be "fat and proud" really fat and proud? Do some really feel great being fat? Perhaps, but I don't think I ever could have. Perhaps, I am too easily swayed by the pressure of what is supposedly beautiful in this day and age? Perhaps, I was not in touch with my body at 180? All I can say, is right now I cannot believe I was 180 pounds. I remember being uncomfortable bending over and I definitely could not be the active person who I love being. So, how could I have been proud of that? I am proud, now- even regardless of not being the "skinny" we are told to be. I am proud because I can move, feel healthy, shop for clothes marked with one digit (I love seeing that 8/10). I am proud because I have changed myself for the better. Not really sure where or how I wanted to end this post, but just wanted to get some observations out there and in print.

I am not fat anymore! I need to quit being startled every time I am not met with the larger and the gone for good old me. It is a weird feeling. Does anyone else have these feelings? Oh, and my hair has been falling out in exorbitant amounts for quite some time. Is anyone else having this problem too? Just curious. :) I hope it is just due to the HCG and will soon subside. I also hope I don't have to start writing a blog titled: Bald, but hey I'm Skinny. haha! I am so funny, eh? :) I had the same issue after both of my pregnancies. So who knows?...

That's all folks! :) Until next time...


  1. I lost a lot of hair during R1P3. I think for four weeks I would find tons of it in the shower drain. It did slow down! It was never noticed by anybody but me. My hair is still thin but I've read it can be 3 to 6 months before the hair will start to grow back.

    I'm sure there must be people who are overweight and happy. I could never be that way. I've never had an example of an overweight person being happy. The only over weight people I know are depressed, tired and have many physical ailments. My mother is one of these people. I'm afraid of being like that when I'm biggest motivation for losing weight. I remember one conversation with my mother, she was poking fun of me exercising. She asked if I was going to do this every day of my life to stay skinny. I was screaming "YES!" in my mind. If exercise will keep me happy and mobile in my mid 60s, 70s and hopefully well into my 80s I will exercise every day!

    I have a hard time seeing myself at my current weight, too. It really surprises me when I'm folding laundry and run across a pair of jeans I don't recognize. I think one of my daughters must of been out shopping, look at the label and realize the tiny pair of jeans is the brand I wear!

  2. I haven't started my hcg yet (still waiting), but my educated guess is that it's the hormone that's responsible for stopping the hair shedding process during pregnancy. Normally, you lose hair everyday - except when you're pregnant. Then after the birth when hormones return to normally, all those stuck hairs fall out.

  3. Girl I just love reading your blogs you run deep. From what I've read on the yahoo group when some people lose weight fast they lose hair. And yeah, it'll grow back.

    I can't get out of my old clothes, even though I'm constantly pulling up my pants and tightening my just want to wait until I lose at least another 10 pounds before I get rid of my I feel ya!

    Great blog!

  4. Thanks for the responses! It is nice to know I am not alone. :)