Happy Holidays!

That time of year again!  I just wanted to wish you all a very happy, happy holiday before all the festivities begin!  We are all doing well and adjusting well to having the little guy around.  I will leave you with our annual family photo and a sweet baby smile...

...just melts my heart. :) :)

Wishing you all love and laughter... and stay warm for those of you getting a ridiculous amount of snow, too!  Crazy weather!   

Goodbye, maternity pants!

...well, at least for today.  Yep, today I slipped on a pair of my old size 12 jeans... okay I squeezed into them- good ole' muffin top included :( (but my Moby Wrap covered it- got to look on the the bright side :)).  It felt so good to not have a bunch of stretchy material encompassing my midsection and slipping and sagging down every few minutes demanding readjustment.  Still have not weighed myself and don't plan on doing so until after the first of the year and even then I would like to only weigh myself when I am actually able to do something about it... ie. start a round of HCG when done nursing.

On the topic of nursing:  It has been going well all things considering.  Paine is such a good nurser and if ever I was going to exclusively nurse it would be with this baby, BUT...  I seriously only produce a max of 3-4 ounces a day, if that?  I have been taking herbs, pumping, seeking out La Leche leaders and nursing friends expertise, and receiving excellent one-on-one help and advice from my midwife and doula this whole entire time... but sometimes this is the case- no substantial milk production.  This is kind of depressing to me, especially when I pump and see barely a half an ounce filter into the container.  However, when I nurse Paine I am very happy and satisfied to give him what I can.  To see his little body nestled next to me needing and appreciating me and the closeness it brings a calm and love.  Nursing is a wonderful and yet surprisingly difficult thing.

I would also like to thank you all so much for all the comments below!  Birthing is amazing in all the ways it happens if only we provide for preparation and a different mindset for the mother and father.  I have been following Pam England's blog (see sidebar) and she has amazing insight in how to view all births... natural or otherwise as wonderful processes- so don't ever feel badly for how birth happened for you.  As an example- C-sections can be viewed as Cesarean births!  And, caregivers can give support and preparation for these types of births.  Over the course of learning about birth and how distorted our perception of the dangers have become I was frustrated and almost angry, with the fact that "they" took a natural, peaceful birth away from me when I had my girls.  But, now I understand it is more about standing up and changing our view for the now and forward on, not to blame and rather exert positive energy to the matter instead of throwing around negative feelings.  I hope, someday when my girls decide, if they choose to have children the look of obstetrics will look considerably different.   

Peace. :)

Many thanks to you all, again!  With love, yours truly!       

PS- We did finally settle on a middle name:  Paine Kanjin Murphy... Kanjin is a Japanese word meaningful in our sect of Buddhism.  It means: "Observation of one's mind"  

The birth day of Paine Kanjin- 11/11/2010

First and foremost I would like to make a little disclaimer:  There are some photos following that not all of you may want to see... nothing too gruesome, but it is a birth so there is some nakedness and you have been warned. :)  Without further ado, here is the story...

The final steps towards my baby boy making his appearance started as the day of 11/11 began and 11/10 ended around midnight.  I was sleeping restfully on my right side.  He had been lying curled, head down with his spine towards my right side most of the final weeks of pregnancy.  I reluctantly rolled over to my left side and in almost an instant I felt a gentle, warm "whoosh."  He rolled with me and came into the full anterior position: his spine directly facing outward and his face facing my pelvis.  This made for an immediate change in how I was carrying the tiny being within.  I stood up to go to the bathroom and a drop in my uterus was immediately noticeable.  I asked my husband if I should call my midwife.  His reply made us both laugh, "You can't call her at 12:00 midnight over a 'whoosh!'"  With that, we both went back to bed.

(I will make comparisons along the way between my 2 prior hospital births of my daughters and this home birth experience.  In regard to the above paragraph, I never really experienced this connection or awareness with a baby in the later weeks before.  I wasn't given the opportunity.  With my daughters I was told one day, for no reason in particular that this is the time to induce.  My baby girls were never allowed the chance to signal and prepare for coming into this world at their own time.)  

In the morning I awoke and proceeded with the day as normal: prepared breakfast for the girls and readied my oldest for school.  While she was in school I swept, vacuumed and mopped all my floors thinking nothing of the chores.  I also took this picture to document being 39 weeks 4 days.  Little did I know this would be the final picture of my burgeoning belly.   

At 11:00am I picked up my daughter from school and we headed off to get her hair cut.  She had long, long beautiful red hair which was becoming very unmanageable.  I kept thinking how am I going to get her hair done let alone brushed with a newborn?  Eight inches was cut off and a new adorable (and easy) hairdo was left in the long locks stead.

We then headed off to Wal-Mart (we don't have many choices in this town) to pick up some heaters for the back rooms and heavier, supposed energy saving curtains for the guest room (the weather was turning cold).  I also called my midwife in the parking lot of Wal-Mart to just check in and tell her about the "whoosh," but other than that no other noticeable changes.  I suppose subconsciously I knew he was coming and soon.

We came home and a friend brought over a lasagna to freeze for an easy meal at a later time after the baby came.  For some reason I did not freeze the lasagna but instead left it on the counter while I went in to the bedroom to rest.  I had not been lying down for more than 10 minutes when all of the sudden a painful and low contraction came over me.  I didn't think too much of the initial contraction until two more came: one at 3:59pm and the next at 4:17pm.  I called my midwife and she said she thought she better start heading up (she had two hours driving time to make it to our home).  I called my husband and he promptly came home.  I put the lasagna in the oven for the girls, just in case and finished putting all the protective covers on the bed making sure all was in place and ready.  I then called my friend, and Grandmother to let the women know the time had come and to light their candles from the Blessingway.  There were candles lit all over town in thought of this moment and the impending arrival of my baby. 

Once my husband came home I had him hanging curtains as I distractingly directed him through contractions.  He had me leave because I was being way to fussy and demanding about the whole process.  I went to the bedroom and tried to slow the contractions by laying down.

My girls were wonderful distractions. :)

      

My doula arrived at about 6:00pm, and let me just tell you all- her presence immediately reassured and calmed me.  Her service to me was indispensable and incredible!  I would never go through childbirth thinking I could merely read to prepare myself for the pains and intensity while relying just on my husband in such an experience (because although he was great, :) he is not specialized in knowing what will help a woman through a contraction).  After the fact, it became clear to me how so many women are convinced the pain is too much and must be deadened.  I too, would be screaming for an epidural without the support of a sympathetic, highly trained woman present to tell me I could do it, calm my breathing and exert the right amount of pressure in the exact perfect place on my back getting me through another contraction.  Nothing can truly prepare or guarantee how you will react or get through in childbirth even after having children before.  It is an experience where you lose yourself and find your strength all in the same moment.

(Just as an additional comment:  I want to make it clear I am not against epidurals or any other assistance provided by the hospital.  It all can be wonderful when a woman and baby really need the help.  However, if you desire a "natural" birth in whatever setting, especially a home birth (because there is no epidural available) a supportive doula and midwife can help immensely in achieving that goal.)

My midwife arrived at about 6:20pm (all the while my girls were in and out and were just a few rooms away when I had him, watching Cinderella :)).  With her arrival I gave her a big hug and relief rushed my body.  I could now have this baby.  Even though I have had two babies prior, the pain does not become easier, but without pitocin racing through my veins shoving the baby out on its terms , the pain became something different.  Each contraction was welcomed as the natural movement necessary to meet the baby I had carried for nine long months.

Shortly before the work of pushing arrived, my midwife came into the bathroom where I was laboring, almost as if she just knew the time was drawing near... and said, "Now you can give birth in the bathroom if you want, but when you start pushing you are not going to want to move."  I replied, "Okay, after this contraction, let's move!"

Once in the bedroom rolling on the birthing ball, I said through gritted teeth, "I feel like I need to push.  I don't know if I should or not, should I?" (In the hospital I was always told when to start pushing even though I didn't have an epidural either.)  My midwife said, "Caitlin, just listen to your body.  Your body knows what to do."  She never once checked me to tell me a certain number of cervix dilation. (Which was so amazing and empowering, because it seemed my doctor was always checking me in the hospital to tell me what my body already knew.)  I did not push for long... 

At exactly 7:00pm, and in just 3 short hours of labor I gave birth to our third child in the comfort of our bedroom at the foot of our bed.  I had been on my knees with my arms draped and gripping my husbands hands over a birthing ball (so much better than my past experiences of lying on my back being held down).

My midwife passed my baby up to me while commenting on the incredibly long and thick umbilical cord.  He was absolutely beautiful!  I kept saying, "Oh, my baby!  Oh, my baby!"  I sat back against my husband as my midwife started rubbing his feet to get him to cry and cough clearing mucus and other fluids.  (It was incredible to have this done rather than immediately severing my baby from me and whisking him away under bright lights with unfamiliar hands suctioning and swabbing at him.)  He remained attached by his healthy umbilical chord to his placenta for an hour after birth, receiving all the blood from the temporary life giving organ.

I held him for a long time in my own bed on my chest while my midwife checked everything.  I unfortunately tore at my old prior episiotomy cuts (made without my awareness with the birth of my daughters in the hospital).  My midwife had said I probably would not even had a tear if not for the weakness created by the episiotomy cut during my prior births.

Anyway, during this time lying peacefully together he lifted his head and found my breast.  I was so excited!  Everyone celebrated the moment, because I had such struggle trying to breastfeed my girls, which eventually ended with devastating defeat.  I thought this was it!  My midwife said, "That is what you get for having a drug free and calm birth."  You can read about my nursing story here, if interested:  What I wouldn't give  My nursing story is short and sweet, and although it did not end as hoped I couldn't have asked for more.

My daughters meeting their brand new brother for the first time.  They were so excited and reading children stories depicting home birth such as Welcome With Love, really deepened their anticipation for such an event.  

Now back to the story, after quite awhile I left Paine with my midwife, husband and daughter and retreated to a warm, healing herbal bath.  I remember sitting there in the warm water thinking for the first time in the midst of becoming a mother did I not feel disdain or extreme displeasure.  I was in the moment, purely happy and strong.  My baby was here and safe.  I felt a great sense of accomplishment and connection.  My thoughts were briefly interrupted...  My midwife's assistant came in and asked how much I thought he weighed.  I had completely forgotten about this little statistic.  I thought a moment and said, "I don't know maybe 8 lbs 3 ounces?"  She said excitedly, "Nope!  8 lbs 11 ounces!!!"

I couldn't believe it!  My daughters were 7 lbs 5 ounces, and 8 lbs 1 ounce respectively, and I thought they seemed way bigger and more difficult to birth (undoubtedly because of the pitocin and stressful setting).

Cutting the umbilical cord while I was soaking.

My birthing entourage finally decided it was time to leave at around 9:45 pm.  They quietly and warmly left us cuddled up together, Paine soundly sleeping by my side.  I will never forget wanting to show these women how much they meant to me as they departed, but all I could muster at that time was a weary but wholeheartedly happy, "Thank you, thank you so very much."       

What was purely theoretical for a few months of researching and reading in preparation for an entirely different birth process came to fruition on November 11, 2010.  At 25 weeks pregnant events occurred that provoked a complete turnaround in the birth I thought I would once again just have and the birth I would choose.  I am thankful for those seemingly shocking initial happenings, because ultimately it led me to take the opportunity and gave me the courage to seek out something different.  It is probably something that will become a life defining moment for me.  I did it.  I did something that changed me and my outlook on life and giving life.  I realized from this experience I came to love and appreciate pregnancy and labor for the first time really.  I had nothing to fear.  I was a capable mama, and through such a different process I could embrace this fact more clearly and lovingly.  

For the most part, birth should not be feared, hurried or manipulated.  And, while still there will be hospitals and professionals to help in making high risk situations as safe as possible, there someday will be more midwives and doulas and more mothers willing to take back their birth.        

Here are some additional pictures I would like to share:

I think this is the most favorite picture I have of myself and I am most definitely not even close to a size 4. :)  This was taken by my wonderful doula minutes after I had Paine.  

He is in my arms.  I am upright, oh so happy and strong.  And I can even say I feel like I look beautiful.  There is no rushing around or sense of concern or panic.  He is not lying all alone on a table out of my reach with strangers all around like minute old pictures of my daughters.  He is safe, warm and close to the mama who carried and grew him all those past months. 

Welcome, Paine... welcome. 

                 

Our little man- 4 days old.   I adore this picture! 

He is now a little over 2 weeks old and we all are completely in love with him.  The girls have been wonderful to him and are adjusting well to the inevitable changes that come with a new addition to the family.  

Edited to add:  See nursing story linked above.  I am proud to announce for the first week I was able to nurse Paine exclusively (with the girls I always gave in on day three and gave them a bottle due to pressure and lack of support).  I am now breastfeeding and bottle feeding because of a deficient milk supply on my part.  With my girls there were other factors that made it difficult to know what more I could have done or what I should have done differently.  He is a great nurser and I am so happy to be able to give him what ever I can.

He is such a smiley baby and greets us with a little smile most always when he hears our voices or sees our faces.  He loves to be held close (I ordered a Moby Wrap which will be here soon), talked to, laid where he can look at lights or out a window and sang to (Amelia, my oldest has this one covered- she is a little songbird and has a continuous song in her heart :)).  Oh, and he sleeps through all the noise and continuous commotion of having two young ones in the house, too!  That is a wonderful thing. :)   

I am so very fortunate to have these three little lives in my life. 

On a final note, thank you for listening to this story and for following this blog through all the ups, downs and shifts in thought.  Soon enough we will be back to HCG, VLCD, Round whatever, Day 1, Day 2.... etc... :)  All in good time.  Goodnight to you all.  

He is here! Paine (haven't decided on a middle name) arrived November 11, 2010 at 7:00pm- 8lbs. 11 oz. We all are doing really well. It was simply amazing and I can't wait to tell the story... keep posted! :)

Now something to make you laugh...

Just in case you haven't said, "Screw it, this girl is nuts..." and jumped off my crazy emotional roller coaster ride... here is a most hilarious post I couldn't help to LOL about! sKidmarks: Sweaty old man balls

Many of her posts are just so incredibly funny, especially if you are knee high in baby poop yourself. :) (She is a mom of two girls under the age of two, I believe and she just got the okay to start working out after the birth of her second.)

Renewed sense of the brilliance and fragility of life

Right now, I am sitting here crying, because I just read this blog post: Sew Liberated

Tears just keep coming. The woman who writes the blog is pregnant and is dealing with the fact that her unborn son has been diagnosed with hypoplastic left heart syndrome.

I feel so ashamed over fretting over my body and what it is meant to do at this time. I have so much wonderfulness in my life and here I am whining and wishing some things were different, or certain people would act differently, and I could just escape. And, the comments you all left in the past post made me feel so connected and loved... and yet ashamed too. I am not alone in my feelings nor is my body image the crisis of the world. I know we all can't help our feelings and the trivial things that can send us over the edge, but if the stories that can break our hearts don't make us stand in our tracks and make us pull our heads out of rear ends and quit wallowing in self pity then we aren't truly human. Why is it, some immensely fortunate people are blind to their wonderful life and the incredible people surrounding them taking for granted that the people in their life will just and always be there? I am guilty. And, although you all are right that I don't necessarily need to feel badly for my feelings... it somehow makes me feel more whole again knowing I am not so self absorbed that a renewed sense and respect for the brilliance and fragility of life can enter my heart.

My heart and thoughts go out to the family and the mother, who I don't even know (I follow her blog because she is a Montessori teacher, talented seamstress, and lovely mom) who are going through a period of pregnancy that will have a most dramatic and nerve wrecking ending. Losing baby weight and stretch marks are really of no consequence.

Nearing the end...

I have been pregnant for almost a full 39 weeks now. How is that possible, you may well ask? I have no idea how time can go so quickly! :) We are still waiting and anticipating the big day. In the meantime, I have had a weird and complicated couple of days and I suppose for me it is a requirement to have these feelings as I near the end. I am so uncomfortable, I can't wait for the baby to come. I have also just been feeling lousy, which doesn't help.

...Soon I will be an empty, flabby-deflated tired momma adjusting to caring for a third little life. Don't get me wrong it is going to be wonderful in so many aspects and I can't wait to meet the little man (can't wait to write about these incredible moments with my newborn), but this post is more about those periodic dismal moments leading up to the moment when you are basically instantly stripped of pregnancy and fully aware in the intensity of such a life occurrence.

In the context of this blog (ie. weight) I am honestly terrified of not being able to look and feel the way I did a year ago. I know that this is not true, but when you view a reflection of yourself in the mirror so morphed and ginormous, one starts to wonder?

One morning I had an inclination to throw together an outfit outside my comfort level and it ended in uncontrollable sobbing. I decided on one of my maternity dresses, some cute (and what I thought would be big enough) knit leggings, jacket and boots. After unbelievably and with an embarrassingly amount of great difficulty I managed to cram my lower half into the leggings, I went to the mirror. I stood there in horror. That is when the dam broke holding back all these overwhelming feelings of unattractiveness and feelings that soon I won't have an excuse- I won't be pregnant, I will just be fat... again. This may seem completely superficial and ridiculous, which ultimately it is... however, I went so far with my self-image and actual body last year that the impending re-struggle can be at times unbearable to think about.

Now, I don't really "look" so badly this time around, but how I feel and other factors that I can't really talk about on this blog trumps any silver lining of this pregnancy in the realm of appearance. Pregnant is still pregnant, and although I have tried to celebrate my body in its current state to the best of my ability- pregnancy still manages to mess with my head. I do want to mention though, when I have still felt good and posted pictures of my pregnant self (which NEVER ever would have been revealed for my past pregnancies) the kind comments you all have generously given were wonderful! I am just to that point of "enough is enough," my body can't take anymore! :)

So here is to getting past this phase, because thankfully I know that is all it is.

On a lighter note- it is so close to ending and something else beginning. Sometimes I have waves of thoughts reminding me the hard work is still ahead and I am actually going to be doing this thing called: Homebirth, natural childbirth. All this transition work and mindset shift and change has been incredible and it is all going to culminate with the birth of my son.

Blessingway

This past Saturday I had the great honor of attending a "Blessingway" given for my third birth as a mother. What an incredible little ceremony and I am still overwhelmed by all the love and care shared by the women present! A ceremony to honor and support the mother as she prepares to become a mother (for the first time or once again) has all but fallen from our culture, but many are revitalizing this lost tradition and it is beautiful and special. Here is a link to read further about Planning A Blessingway.

One of the mothers was kind enough to do a henna design on my hands. I am a little too modest to show my huge, stretch marky belly and so the hands were a good alternative. It turned out beautifully! She did it all by hand and it is lovely. I don't want it to fade! :)

(Oh, and just as a side note I finally had all my hair chopped off and some color added. It is pretty short but so much easier to keep care of, and I love the color!)


I love the contrast of the two designs.

There then was a ceremony where everyone brought a bead for each of my girls and one for me to symbolize their wish and blessing for me for labor and introducing a third child to our family. It was opened up with a wonderful story read by a wonderful woman about how our children "choose" us. As each woman explained the reasoning for their choice of bead I was really touched and overwhelmed. It meant so much to me. I will have these beads as I labor and will remember their thoughtfulness.

Each lit votive was from each woman after they gave their advice and care and recited the women who came before them. The long small candles and candle holders we all took away from the ceremony and they will be lit when I start labor and blown out when the little baby boy is here. I think the visualization of all these lights burning all around town for me and us is just beautiful.

This is a picture of my hands and the hands of my girls holding all the beads on my belly. The girls are so excited about their very own strand of beads... each one different and full of meaning and love.
I can't express how thankful I am to my wonderful friend who graciously hosted such a ceremony for me, my family and new expected baby. I can't express how appreciative I am of all the women who came and made it so very special for us all. Truly a lovely experience and I hope to continue to pass on the gift of this ceremony to other friends who embark on this journey of motherhood in the future.

Home Visit!

It has been a long, long while. My thoughts remain with you all though and I apologize for my long absence.

I am still pregnant. :) This afternoon I have a few moments to catch up on the happenings of preparation around here. On the 18th of this month I had my home visit. And, let me just tell you all- it was WONDERFUL! I couldn't have been happier to get everyone who will be involved in the same room and appreciate how we all worked together. My midwife, her assistant, my doula, my husband and myself were all present. Oh, and my youngest daughter who fell in love with my doula and hung out with her most of the time (my oldest daughter was at school). We enjoyed hot apple cider and tea while we discussed the big day or night. :) I had a calm wash over me, because everything is ready... we know the protocol and I love these women! I am so excited to be in an environment that is all our own, warm and beautiful to welcome our third baby. Here are a couple shots of our bedroom all ready to go...


The Tupperware bins are full of all the necessary items my midwife listed for birthing a baby.

I displayed some of the birth art I have done periodically from prompts out of the book Birthing From Within that I think will help me visualize and remember my affirmations.
Although, I am ready to have this baby and the strain on my back and legs is starting to get to me I do hope he holds out until after Halloween. I would like to be able to enjoy the holiday with my girls. My oldest is going to be "Little Red Riding Hood" and my youngest is going to dress up as "Shirley Temple." She has all these blond, beautiful curls. :)

It is no wonder...

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth another incredible book that has changed my life and thoughts in relation to birth forever! After continuing to educate myself further on what conventional birthing would have you believe and what is really true about the female capacity to give birth I have to admittedly report I am shocked and slightly alarmed not just at the establishment, but ultimately at myself. I never once questioned, opened up a book, sought out wisdom from others, or believed there was a better way.

I had two babies in a hospital under the care of a "midwife." I always thought and even prided myself on the intense and gut-wrenching pain I went through to have my two girls. I touted that I had two natural births just because I didn't have an epidural. I now realize I had anything but natural births. I was given pitocin for NO apparent reason and endured two labors that were not only excruciatingly stressful and painful on me, but my babies too. I was never given any information as to the risks of pitocin (here is a link listing the risks, which are either completely downplayed or in my case NEVER even mentioned: Pitocin- Labor Induction). This is a crime to not even allow an informed decision! Luckily, myself and my babies didn't suffer extreme consequences (ie. uterine rupture, C-section). However, there was nothing peaceful about the entry of my babies into the world. Why do all these unnecessary interventions happen on a regular basis?

Let me just give you a few numbers... To have a hospital birth we have paid and would have paid again the following: $4500- for prenatal care, so for regular visits where you wait forever to spend at the most 10-15 minutes with your "caregiver." And then on top of that you pay to the hospital: $8,900- $12,900- to birth at their facilities under their guidelines and policies. Now, take a look at the following number: $2,900. I am dealing with a midwife who spends 1 hour to an hour and a half with me every meeting and will deliver my baby for a total of $2,900. Yes, I am planning a home birth and I will discuss this topic more, but before I do I just want to say the following... not because of the costs, but because of what occurs when money enters the picture.

IT IS NO WONDER... why women are told their bodies are insufficient, can't handle the pain, must lie on their backs, can't eat or drink anything during labor, be strapped to a multitude of different instruments, given whatever your doctor deems appropriate to get that baby out, given unnecessary episiotomies, bent over and stabbed with a needle in the back to deaden the feeling, birth under bright lights, with any one and their dog allowed to traipse in and out at will... I could go on.

Frightening experience! It is further proof that the medical community does not want too many women tapping into their own ability to perform a perfectly normal physiological act. Let's take a look at the statistics of intervention between planned home births and hospital births (first number is percentage for home birth and the second listed is hospital births):

Induction of labor (only with oxytocin or prostaglandins): 2.1 % vs. 21.0%
Stimulation of labor (only with oxytocin): 2.7% vs. 18.9%
Electronic fetal monitoring: 9.6% vs. 84.3%
Episiotomy: 2.1% vs. 33.0%
Vacuum Extraction: 0.6% vs. 5.5%
Cesarean Section: 3.7% vs. 19.0%
www.cfmidwifery.org

The statistics support the safeness of home births for low-risk women with adequate prenatal care and qualified attendants. Home birth is not for every woman and hospitals definitely serve a wonderful purpose in saving lives in jeopardy. There is always a risk that a home birth may have to move to a hospital setting and that is something one has to be completely prepared for. However, I am so excited to have a birth that will allow me the freedom to birth in a completely safe and warm environment with people who are not only trained and experienced in assisting natural childbirths, but believe in it and the woman's capacity to give birth.

Here is an excerpt from Ina May's Guide to Childbirth:

Consider this your invitation to learn about the true capacities of the female body during labor and birth. I'm not talking about a summary of current medical knowledge translated from technical to popular language. You can find plenty of that in bookstores. What I mean by true capacities of the female body are those that are experienced by real women, whether or not these abilities are recognized by medical authorities. The way I see it, the most trustworthy knowledge about women's bodies combines the best of what medical science has offered over the past century or two with what women have always been able to learn about themselves before birth moved into hospitals. (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, 1)

Why do I reveal these feelings of mine on controversial subjects? I do it, because of the post made prior to this one. If people remain silent on such topics, then the opportunity to help a person who is ripe and ready for new ideas about everyday worldly things slips by. Maybe what I have to say is completely loony and ridiculous, but perhaps it is not. I know I was terrified of being out there on the Internet talking about this crazy little thing called, HCG and now I am even more terrified talking on topics such as these. But, there have been numerous times if someone had just said something to me and not feared my reaction I would have been made better by their words and maybe have done things differently. We all need each other, no one knows everything about everything.

I know when I was pregnant with my second a friend of mine had a home birth and we met her baby girl only a couple days old in their home. It was the most peaceful and loving setting I have ever encountered of such an event. I look back on that moment and wish I would have been more open and aware. I thought it was crazy, even though it was obviously not. So while my passion is directed and not distracted by the intensity of such an experience and a sweet child in my arms I am saying what I believe strongly right now. Women can give birth. Women can give birth in ways I never dreamed until now.

If you have your own birth stories (hospital, home, car, backwoods... whatever :)) and want to share, feel free! I find it all so interesting and I am completely absorbed at the moment. I will discuss further topics I have come to find intriguing and oh, so logical in the coming weeks... moments after birth, sphincter law, etc... and hopefully finally end with a description of my planned home birth.

This morning I read a post titled: You Made a Difference For That One I wanted to share the following beautiful story. It is important to stand up in the face of scrutiny from the majority, because what is widely accepted is not always best or even close to it. If one never allows one's mind to be changed and opened to new possibilities or ways of thinking and acting in the world... if no one can teach or offer you anything, I believe that is when we truly cripple ourselves.


From The Star Thrower by anthropologist and writer, Loren Eiseley (1907-1977)

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.
He came closer still and called out, "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"
The young man paused, looked up, and replied, "Throwing starfish into the ocean."
"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.
To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."
Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"
At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

"Note: This is a true story that Eiseley wrote about. He was the 'wise man' walking the beach before his morning writing session. He encountered this young man throwing starfish back into the ocean and was forever impacted by the experience. His story is told in many forms, in many places - but rarely is credit given to Eiseley as the original author and subject of the narrative." (peaceful parenting)

Mainly positives...

This pregnancy has really made a turn for the better. I can't believe I ever felt so terribly in the early weeks, but for now I am really feeling quite good! Here are the positives:

• Thank you, sweet summer of Laramie for being so mild! The temperatures have stayed in the upper 60's to lower 70's... and only a couple days that the mercury reached into the 80's! I have not swelled or been too uncomfortable at all because of the heat! Very nice!
• The following three products I have been taking religiously for the past couple months (the prenatal I have been taking all along). No one ever told me about the importance of DHA and omegas and they are so wonderful! It has improved my hair, nails and skin... but the greatest benefit is how it has helped my mood and spirits. I just needed some good natural oils... wow! :) And the pro-biotic have stabilized all the digestive bacteria, etc...
  

Just further mention of my the condition of my hair. If you remember from previous posts I lost a lot of hair during my last round of HCG late last year and it just became dry and lackluster. Now my hair is growing back and in good condition! Yay! The following is not such a great picture, but it is my natural color and it is getting long! Thanks once again to the omegas!


Here is a the promised belly shot. I feel so much larger than this picture! :) This is the one negative I am experiencing at the time being (along with having bouts of tiredness): feeling huge with a cumbersome load! This makes for uncomfortable nights. I pee all the time and can't seem to fit enough pillows around my body. Night time is not especially restful. But, this is to be expected and nothing I haven't been through before. :)


I met with my midwife again yesterday, and this second meeting made me really feel like I am making the right choices so far. I LOVE her! She is so attentive, compassionate and conscientious. I can talk about ANYTHING with her. I feel so comfortable... like she has extreme care for my whole pregnancy picture. I almost feel sad that this will be our last baby... okay not really. :) I am done, but I just feel so fortunate to feel like this pregnancy is going in a completely different direction for me, my family and expectant baby.

So overall, mainly positives as I enter this third trimester. :) I will update further as news presents itself....

Hope all is well with you all! Until next time!

28 weeks

Above is a picture of me (28 weeks pregnant :) I need to turn to the side or something, because it looks like I don't have a waist and have puffed up rather than pregnant... haha!) with some examples of my artwork at this past weekend's Evening at the Ivinsons'. We have been attending the event along with my husband's parents for the past four years. It is a wonderful fundraiser evening dedicated to keeping our local, beautiful Ivinson Mansion running and upgraded. I donated my artwork the past two years, and was very pleased with the outcome this year: 2 drawings for $400 each! The two bidders both want a drawing of their place of business. I am excited to try something a little different other than my usual residence drawings.


Can't believe I am already 28 weeks along! Everything is going along smoothly so far. I am almost done getting the bedrooms organized and everything situated for the new addition. Just some final touches and it will all be ready! I am very happy about that. :) I will share pictures once completed...

Today I meet with my doula!!! The meeting with my midwife went very well and it is just a breath of fresh air meeting with highly trained women who take a whole hour or more just for you to discuss and prepare for a significant event. I am not just a blood pressure number and a number on a scale anymore and I love it! :)

Hope you all are doing well and happy HCGing! :)

Birthing From Within

This is the book that has changed everything for me in regard to pregnancy, birth and becoming a mother: Birthing From Within by Pam England & Rob Horowitz. A must read for anyone wanting to have a baby or pregnant now!

Let me backtrack briefly... I met with my old midwife earlier this month and it was an awkward and slightly annoying debacle. I had to bring up the issue of her leaving and I really don't think she was even going to address the fact??? Why I have no idea? Regardless, she gave me a card with contact information to a local Certified Labor Doula. This is how a whole reworking and rethinking of the situation began, which led me to read the aforementioned book. I also contacted a certified midwife in Colorado and tomorrow I am meeting her! I am so very excited!

At this point, I have a new, fresh outlook on my current situation. Pregnancy for me has always been a waiting period, ONLY such and such more weeks to go, or I can't wait to be done... etc. All of the sudden I am enjoying the process, relishing the time, contemplating my baby boy and appreciating my body. It is incredible and so empowering to allow myself to see the work and capability of my body as something to be honored and respected rather than, "Well, it will get a baby out..." I am on a journey of self-discovery and I feel like I don't have enough time now. :) How ironic! Never thought I would ever say that in a third trimester of pregnancy! :) :)

I know this is all a little elusive, but I will continue to post as it all comes more into focus for me too. I just wanted to share that no longer am I dreading labor, or pessimistically walking around waiting to get this baby out. I am stretching consciously. I am eating consciously. I am drinking tea consciously. I am taking supplements consciously. I am making art consciously. I am enjoying my girls consciously. I am in the moment for now and it has never felt better.

"Through soul-searching
and listening more deeply
to the women I was working with,
I finally understood that women
have to prepare for birth
in their heart and soul,
not their head.
And that giving birth is something a woman does
in her body,
not in her head."

-Pam England, CNM, MA

Unwrap a Smile!

First ever craving! I never had any cravings with my girls and didn't really expect one, but all of the sudden during a nap today I had an overwhelming craving for Oatmeal Creme Pies! I can't remember the last time I had one of the Little Debbie snacks. My husband was good enough to run out and get me a box. Oh, so yummy! :) Hopefully, it doesn't become too much of a steady need- not so healthy. ;)

I also found a recipe to make the cookie at home. Interesting. :) Maybe I might try it out...

To circumcise, or not to circumcise...

...that is the question. Or, in all actuality the question should be: To leave my son intact, or cut him... cut almost 1/3 or more of his perfectly functioning penis off. When you put it that way there is a whole different spin. There is NO question in my mind anymore after much research.

I never really thought about circumcision until I started questioning what would my decision be if I was asked right here and now. And, then I found out I was having a boy and my intensity of research increased. I was slightly alarmed that I would base my decision prior to knowing anything about circumcision just on the mere fact that the image of the "normal" penis was the cut one in my mind. Why? Why is this "normal"? Why do we cut males? What is foreskin? Is it really that unsanitary? Well, to my shock as I kept reading and reading I became more and more furious at the misleading and downright incorrect information we have all been fed in regard to our sons penises.

I would like to share the following articles with all those who may be interested:

A baby could die from circumcision and it is more common than you think!
Baby Dies from Circumcision in South Dakota

The foreskin serves a purpose! Imagine that?! Furthermore, circumcision really gained popularity because of its claim to minimize masturbation. Once again a religious backed fear of sexuality.
The Case Against Circumcision

Circumcision impacts women...
How Male Circumcision Impacts Your Love Life

The Sexual Effects of Circumcision

And, if you're still not convinced than take a look at these articles that actually debunk the whole religious case for circumcision.
Biblical Circumcision Information

Circumcision and Christianity

The Book of Mormon on Circumcision

These are all incredibly researched and well-cited articles. It makes me so sad and disgusted for what we as adults feel the need to do to our baby boys. We do this with no care for the rights of a tiny baby welcomed into the world and then mutilated without his obvious consent... because that is what is done, or that is the "norm," or it is easier to clean!!!

I am merely writing this post to express my rethinking on the subject and a certain outrage to the majority for which I probably would have followed not too many years ago. I think this subject along with so many others is a chance for us as humans to progress... go against currents that are proven no longer viable or necessary but actually harmful.

Fit For 2

Tonight I went to my first Fit For 2 class. Now, don't ask me to bend down and pick something up. My inner thighs are still burning! Will be doing a lot of toning in that area getting ready for the big day. :)

I can't tell you how excited I am to be going to this class. It is so nice to be around other pregnant women of all different sizes and trimesters. It is twice a week (one night is dedicated to Yoga and Pilates and the other to strength training). I wanted to attend during my pregnancy with my second, but somehow never coordinated and demanded that time for myself. I just feel like I need this desperately right now. I need the motivation. I need the time outside of the house. I need the time away from my girls. I need the time around other people. I have been going just a little insane. :)

On another topic... recently, I found out (in the newspaper, might I add) that my midwife is leaving in October! I was so emotional about this I uncontrollably sobbed and sobbed for what seemed forever. I wish she would have told me herself, but I guess whatever. Anyway, more importantly she delivered both of my first babies and she is so important to me because I don't have my mom. I delivered on pitocin without an epidural, and that is no small feat. I can't do that with just a regular doctor who comes in at the end. I need some woman who can help me through it, and my midwife was that person.

I hate my mother for not being there for me and the births of my children. And, yes hate is a strong, terrible word but I mean it. For what a crappy mother she has been to me the last 7 years she was a great mom and would have been perfect with helping me in delivery. You know how a good mother usually knows exactly how to comfort and calm you, well I will never deny her that. But a lot of good it does me now.

However, I am pretty well over all the shock and helpless feelings of losing my midwife, and now am moving forward. This baby is coming whether I have my midwife, mother or not and I need to accept that and move on. I guess they are replacing my midwife with another and I hope to meet her on the 3rd to see if I like her and can see her being there during my labor and delivery. I am also keeping another possibility in the back of my mind and that would be to have my Grandma or Aunt with me. We will see, I would rather not ask that of them, but I know they would be there for me if I really needed them.

Right now, though I am enjoying trying to prepare my mind and body for what I have to do and exercise is a beautiful thing. I really hope someday to become basically addicted to exercise. I need it, everyone needs it. :) I hope you all are doing well and I will be in touch...

Goodnight.

The Versatile Blogger Award

Versatile Blogger Award! If, versatile is a nice way of putting "easily distracted," then that is me! :) Thank you so much, lavenderdiva for this great award! I really appreciate it, especially since I have been a mediocre blogger at best lately. I think so much of you and your journey as I have come to know you through the blogging medium. So, this award coming from you means so much!

I will update at a later time "7 things about me" and a list of other bloggers I would like to pass this award on to.

I am doing pretty well so far. Honestly, I just don't know how women do it... stay relatively small during pregnancy. I am getting bigger and bigger by the minute and I still have 4 months left! Yikes! I am really missing slim legs and arms. Oh, and I was stretching in the mirror last night and oh my word my behind is getting ginormous! If I could just keep my blossoming bosom and leave the rest that would be wonderful. :) But, this is how it is. I am just so happy I know what to do after it is all said and done!!! The knowledge of HCG keeps my sanity. I will be one hot mama again soon enough. :) Hope all is well and if you see me on the street try not to stare in shock at my hugeness. haha!

Rain is falling tonight... a good night's rest is sure to be in store!

PS: I know these polka-dots are kind of annoying... will change background soon. I just can't find one I really like. I am difficult to please apparently. :)

It's a...

...BOY!!!

He looked great and healthy on the sonogram! :) Only 19 or so weeks to go and he will be here!

Now, what am I going to do with a little boy. haha! :) I am sure it will all come, but with two little girls I have been in the pink zone for awhile...

Talk to you all later.

Today is the day!

Going in for the sonogram this afternoon! Very excited! :) I always love this part, however it signifies I am over the hump and on my way down the slippery slope to extreme pain... thinking I might get an epidural this time (way too much anxiety about labor this time).

But, then the little bundle is here and it is something wonderful- even including sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles (hopefully nursing this time *cross fingers*), saggy belly, emotional ups and downs, looking like hell, etc... you know, the usual. :)

On a different note, hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday, too! The big 27. I will update later on the results of the sonogram... until then.

18 weeks

Howdy! :) I am still here and just wanted to drop in real quick to let you all know it. I am doing much better. I am 18 weeks along and wanted to share my bump. See below. These are the only pregnant pictures I will probably share. I have a few from my other pregnancies and let me just tell you- it ain't pretty. :) I have gained a ton, but I am not weighing myself at home (just every 4 weeks at the doctor's office- last time I gained a pound a week). I don't really want to put myself through the bother and worry right now. I am never going to be one of those little, tiny pregnant ladies with just a belly, and you know- I am over it! :) I still think I look pretty decent and it really is about getting my third baby here safely.

I am betting this baby is a boy based on how sick I have been. I wasn't all together that sick early on with my girls and I seem to be carrying the baby higher too. So place your bet now. :) I will know at 22 weeks (I have an appointment next week and then have to wait four more weeks until the next appointment for the sonogram).

Momma in red heels. :)
Until next time... happy HCGing!

Dreaming

I am not going to lie it has been a rough several weeks. Tonight I had a burst of energy that made me almost forget the miserableness I have been going through. It was a weird burst of energy though. One where I didn't stop cleaning my house, but where at moments I would intermittently burst into tears? However, I have had a week where I felt like I really needed to cry and I just couldn't. So, it felt good. Crying is funny that way. It can be very healing and soothing sometimes.

Anyway, I am actually only about 11 weeks right now so not as far as I had originally thought. We had a sonogram (will post the pictures at some point). It was nice to see that it really is a tiny, little growing baby causing all the trouble and not some parasite or something. :)

I have not weighed for about 2 weeks. I am terrified. I thought I was fine for awhile and then all of the sudden I started fitting back into some of my larger sized clothing. :( Oh, man this pregnancy is going to be hard in the weight gain area. I just am not ready to get all big again. I am one of those women who get big and puffy all over- not just the cute pregnant belly. I guess it is difficult after you lose a lot of weight just to have it decimated within a matter of months or in my case weeks. I am a little overwhelmed also with the daunting 7 months ahead. It seems like such a long time to basically be on hold and dedicate my body to growing a baby. I never had these feelings with my first two, but this one is definitely different. Perhaps when I start feeling better these feelings will go away and I can just settle into the great work. :)

I am just lonely and stir crazy (and yet don't really want to be around anyone or do anything) and the weather we have been getting is not helping. We received a ton of snow yesterday (and it was thundering while it was snowing- you can never guess the weather here :)). And, we got some more snow this evening. I just want green, lilacs and warm sun. That is one of the symptoms I am having during this pregnancy- chills and fever. I can't regulate my temperature among other undesirable symptoms. Oh boy, I am such a whiner. But, hey this is a blog and you got to expect some of that. :)

I am dreaming of a spring to come to our neck of the woods soon and along with it relief from first trimester symptoms. So, I will leave you with a couple photos I took last spring of some flowers that will surely return to our backyard, I hope?! :) I was just thinking... I was still larger than what I am now last spring. Can't believe it is coming up on a year of successful weight loss on HCG?! Well, this time next year I should be nearing my goal again...

Wishing for one more day

I have been so awfully sick as of late. Unlike anything I experienced with my other two pregnancies. My doctor called in some medicine today and I am starting to feel like I can get through the day. I am so relieved. I am holding out hope that it only persists through the first trimester and then I can relax and semi-enjoy my last pregnancy. Through the weeks of feeling like I have been run over by a truck repeatedly I have had thoughts- painful thoughts... thoughts about my parents.

I called and left a message the week before Easter and asked for just one day. Back so long ago it seems they invited my husband to be to Easter. That was in 2004. I called and left my voice on the recorder. I suggested that perhaps we could take just one day a year to come together and leave our differences at the door. I thought spring would be good a time. A time of renewal and regrowth. Apparently, they didn't think it was a good idea as I have heard not a word. Can you imagine receiving a call from your long, lost daughter asking for one more day and ignoring that call? I can't. I don't understand. I feel like the pain I have from being rejected of this simple request doesn't compare to the isolation and regret that they must undeniably feel. My Grandmother, my mother's mom called too and she ignored her, too. A call from your mother and daughter and nothing... really? The really sad thing about it all is that we are not gone forever. We are still alive and can't have that one more day for some reason.

We are going to bring another child into the world sooner than later and yet again my parents will choose not to share in that joy. I want my mom to be here to help me through my fears and rejoice in my successes. I want my mom whenever I feel the full impact of my own motherhood.

Anyway, I continue to hope and love even though at times I wish I could just turn it off. However, I am proud and would never trade the fact that I can love and be loved. I find great comfort in the love shared between myself and my Grandma. I am glad that I am like her. My mother used to say that to me, "Don't be so like your Grandma." I don't understand why she saw the attributes of unconditional love, forgiveness, care for others... among others so adverse. My Grandma is a remarkable woman and I love her dearly. We have each other.

Okay, so enough of the pity party. :) I have got over my fear of weighing in daily. I just have this fear that I am going to be up and over 200 pounds again in a blink of an eye (yep, that happened with both of my previous pregnancies). I am really going to try to keep my weight gain down this time. I want to start working out and have a "fit pregnancy." Whatever that means, right? :) No, I just feel like I can't just let myself go and forget all I have learned over the past months on HCG drops. HCG is a wonderful thing in the pregnant woman and I need to use it to my advantage. I had no idea about HCG before and now I just feel like I have a leg up understanding what kind of foods and quantities can pack on the weight under the influence of HCG. We will see how well I do! And, it is true you are not eating for two. You are eating for the health of yourself and a tiny growing being (that doesn't need that whole cake :)).

Well, I better close for now and catch up with some of your posts. :) Thanks to you all for listening and it is so nice to have this little place in bloggerworld where I can retreat to and vent my different feelings. Goodnight and happy spring (I think... seems like it will never get here:))...

Natural HCG

I am a regular natural HCG producing machine. Didn't cost a dime, oh but just you wait- it will. ;) Yep, you guys read right- I am pregnant! I am both very happy and very anxious. I am excited about the prospect of a third baby. I am excited to try and watch my weight during this pregnancy (before I would go on the basis that ignorance was bliss :)). By the way, my weight has been holding steady for the past month and a half, which I am pleased about. On the flip side, I can't help but be worried about having three and the additional work and stress of caring for another. I have a lot of worries, most which are frivolous and a year from now won't be a concern, but pregnancy is serious and bringing another baby into the world is serious. I know it will all work out and I will ultimately change my ways to be a more efficient, effective, patient and just better mother all around.

So this is the reason for my long absence. :) I miss blogging like I used to and keeping a rapport with everyone- it has just been hard as of late. I know I have so many loose ends out there- I am sorry to those of you (you know who you are) that I have put off. I would say I would try to do better, but I just don't see that happening anytime soon. So, I will just try to pop in from time to time. Maybe some belly pictures for the first time in my life! :) (Okay, probably not... I am not such a cute pregnant lady). I am about 9 weeks along and due at the end of October. So wish us luck! :) Here we go again and for the final time. I guess I better make it good.

I still enjoy reading all of your posts, and that is one thing I can try to be better about- leaving comments. :) We all love comments! :) Have a beautiful weekend to you all!

P.S. Thank you Lavenderdiva for prodding me to catch back up with you all. :) It is nice to hear when you are missed.

Cross country skiing trip about a month ago. (Didn't know I was pregnant- at least it was cross country and not downhill. :)) Can't believe there will be one more in the picture come next skiing season! :)