Saturday, November 6, 2010

Nearing the end...

I have been pregnant for almost a full 39 weeks now. How is that possible, you may well ask? I have no idea how time can go so quickly! :) We are still waiting and anticipating the big day. In the meantime, I have had a weird and complicated couple of days and I suppose for me it is a requirement to have these feelings as I near the end. I am so uncomfortable, I can't wait for the baby to come. I have also just been feeling lousy, which doesn't help.

...Soon I will be an empty, flabby-deflated tired momma adjusting to caring for a third little life. Don't get me wrong it is going to be wonderful in so many aspects and I can't wait to meet the little man (can't wait to write about these incredible moments with my newborn), but this post is more about those periodic dismal moments leading up to the moment when you are basically instantly stripped of pregnancy and fully aware in the intensity of such a life occurrence.

In the context of this blog (ie. weight) I am honestly terrified of not being able to look and feel the way I did a year ago. I know that this is not true, but when you view a reflection of yourself in the mirror so morphed and ginormous, one starts to wonder?

One morning I had an inclination to throw together an outfit outside my comfort level and it ended in uncontrollable sobbing. I decided on one of my maternity dresses, some cute (and what I thought would be big enough) knit leggings, jacket and boots. After unbelievably and with an embarrassingly amount of great difficulty I managed to cram my lower half into the leggings, I went to the mirror. I stood there in horror. That is when the dam broke holding back all these overwhelming feelings of unattractiveness and feelings that soon I won't have an excuse- I won't be pregnant, I will just be fat... again. This may seem completely superficial and ridiculous, which ultimately it is... however, I went so far with my self-image and actual body last year that the impending re-struggle can be at times unbearable to think about.

Now, I don't really "look" so badly this time around, but how I feel and other factors that I can't really talk about on this blog trumps any silver lining of this pregnancy in the realm of appearance. Pregnant is still pregnant, and although I have tried to celebrate my body in its current state to the best of my ability- pregnancy still manages to mess with my head. I do want to mention though, when I have still felt good and posted pictures of my pregnant self (which NEVER ever would have been revealed for my past pregnancies) the kind comments you all have generously given were wonderful! I am just to that point of "enough is enough," my body can't take anymore! :)

So here is to getting past this phase, because thankfully I know that is all it is.

On a lighter note- it is so close to ending and something else beginning. Sometimes I have waves of thoughts reminding me the hard work is still ahead and I am actually going to be doing this thing called: Homebirth, natural childbirth. All this transition work and mindset shift and change has been incredible and it is all going to culminate with the birth of my son.


  1. Caitlin, I've been reading for a while but I don't know if I've ever commented. I just wanted to say a few things. First, I am so grateful that you are sharing these feelings with us, and I hope you don't feel like you have to "justify" or apologize for having those feelings. I have been pregnant but miscarried at the end of my first trimester. We are going to start trying for a baby next year, and I am equal parts excited and ready with a healthy dose of terrified and wantstoruntheotherwayreallyfast mixed in. I so appreciate reading blogs where people share their feelings - ALL of their feelings - about weight loss, pregnancy, and whatever else they're going through. I imagine that between the body image issues and the pregnancy hormones, I will feel like I'm on a roller coaster when I'm pregnant, and knowing that I'm not the only one will help. So thanks for sharing, hang in there, and we can't wait to hear about your new little man when he arrives!

  2. Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. It's how I felt near the end of my last pregnancy. I was absolutely terrified of what my body would look like without my daughter in it. It doesn't help too that you are a walking emotional roller coaster dealing with those hormones. The good news is you know what to do to release the extra weight. If you're planning on breastfeeding, much will go right to your new boy. You know how to release the rest once that phase is done.

    You are one of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out. You have such a beauty about you that absolutely shines. You are loved and you have support. We are here for you!

    I can't wait to "meet" your new little man. :) Keep posting! I love hearing from you. Hang in there.

  3. Oh Caitlin. there are always days that come along when the negative seems to outweigh the positive. It will pass. Like you said, its a phase. I know how frustrating it can be.

    You have prepared yourself so well for the birth of your son. He is going to come in to this world alert, happy, healthy, and so so proud of his mama for putting his needs first. It's a lot to take on, and it can seem quite daunting, but I know you can do it.

    I did natural with my son and I feel like he and I have such a stronger bond than I do with my daughter--while I love them both so much, its just a different feeling knowing YOU did it. YOU were able to bring him in to this world naturally.

    I am so happy that your pregnancy journey is coming to an end and soon you'll have your little man in your arms.

    Can't wait to hear the great news!!! :-)

    Meg in utah