Thursday, April 8, 2010

Wishing for one more day

I have been so awfully sick as of late. Unlike anything I experienced with my other two pregnancies. My doctor called in some medicine today and I am starting to feel like I can get through the day. I am so relieved. I am holding out hope that it only persists through the first trimester and then I can relax and semi-enjoy my last pregnancy. Through the weeks of feeling like I have been run over by a truck repeatedly I have had thoughts- painful thoughts... thoughts about my parents.

I called and left a message the week before Easter and asked for just one day. Back so long ago it seems they invited my husband to be to Easter. That was in 2004. I called and left my voice on the recorder. I suggested that perhaps we could take just one day a year to come together and leave our differences at the door. I thought spring would be good a time. A time of renewal and regrowth. Apparently, they didn't think it was a good idea as I have heard not a word. Can you imagine receiving a call from your long, lost daughter asking for one more day and ignoring that call? I can't. I don't understand. I feel like the pain I have from being rejected of this simple request doesn't compare to the isolation and regret that they must undeniably feel. My Grandmother, my mother's mom called too and she ignored her, too. A call from your mother and daughter and nothing... really? The really sad thing about it all is that we are not gone forever. We are still alive and can't have that one more day for some reason.

We are going to bring another child into the world sooner than later and yet again my parents will choose not to share in that joy. I want my mom to be here to help me through my fears and rejoice in my successes. I want my mom whenever I feel the full impact of my own motherhood.

Anyway, I continue to hope and love even though at times I wish I could just turn it off. However, I am proud and would never trade the fact that I can love and be loved. I find great comfort in the love shared between myself and my Grandma. I am glad that I am like her. My mother used to say that to me, "Don't be so like your Grandma." I don't understand why she saw the attributes of unconditional love, forgiveness, care for others... among others so adverse. My Grandma is a remarkable woman and I love her dearly. We have each other.

Okay, so enough of the pity party. :) I have got over my fear of weighing in daily. I just have this fear that I am going to be up and over 200 pounds again in a blink of an eye (yep, that happened with both of my previous pregnancies). I am really going to try to keep my weight gain down this time. I want to start working out and have a "fit pregnancy." Whatever that means, right? :) No, I just feel like I can't just let myself go and forget all I have learned over the past months on HCG drops. HCG is a wonderful thing in the pregnant woman and I need to use it to my advantage. I had no idea about HCG before and now I just feel like I have a leg up understanding what kind of foods and quantities can pack on the weight under the influence of HCG. We will see how well I do! And, it is true you are not eating for two. You are eating for the health of yourself and a tiny growing being (that doesn't need that whole cake :)).

Well, I better close for now and catch up with some of your posts. :) Thanks to you all for listening and it is so nice to have this little place in bloggerworld where I can retreat to and vent my different feelings. Goodnight and happy spring (I think... seems like it will never get here:))...


  1. Sweetheart, I feel the pain you're expressing and I am so sorry. As someone who recently lost a sibling I hardly knew, I now understand the value of time and loved ones in a way I didn't grasp before. I know you didn't ask, but perhaps writing your parents a letter explaining that you have this time on this Earth now, and want to have a clean rebirth of a relationship with them. If that is ignored, let it go, as hard as that may be. It sounds to me like your grandmother and you should be spending a whole lot more time together. Do that no matter what.

    All my love to you, sweetie. Congrats again! I'm excited for you and so curious about how you'll take advantage of the non-customs inspected HCG pulsing through you now! :)

  2. I'm so sorry about your parents. Hopefully they will realize the error of their ways.

    Big hugs. I hope you feel better soon!

  3. I don't think its unusual for you to be thinking about your Mom just now. That you DO have a wonderful relationship with your grandmother is a blessing. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mother isn't able to open herself to you right now. That's sad, and certainly her loss. Just keep extending your hand to her, and even though it sometimes seems fruitless, keep doing it.

    I hope you feel better soon, and you get to the happy part of your pregnancy, where you don't feel so badly! Eat healthy. Even if you do gain a little bit of weight, don't worry. You are making a healthy child, and have ALL the tools necessary to take the weight off after the baby is here!

    love you! glad to hear from you!

  4. I'm glad to see your post. I hope you are feeling better soon and can enjoy the pregnancy.

    I'm sorry you put in so much effort to get close to your mother and she's not responding.
    It sounds like you have a mother figure in your grandmother,treasure that relationship.

  5. I'm so excited to see that you are following me. I think your blog was the first one I read back in January. Pregnancy does bring out the longing for a maternal relationship. I felt the same way. I'm sorry your mom is not reciprocating. That is very painful. I know because my mom is so far out in left field - she is not reachable. Take care of you! Pregnancy glow coming soon. :)

  6. I hope that you're feeling better!! They say each pregnancy is supposed to be better sick-wise. Not so with me either!! My 1st one, I was hardly sick, worse with my 2nd and then my 3rd...well it was pretty terrible..the sickness and everything. Had to have fluids thru an IV at one point. But now I have 3 beautiful boys and it was all worth it..though at the time I thought I was going to die!LOL So just hang in there and I hope you feel better SOON!