Wishing for one more day

I have been so awfully sick as of late. Unlike anything I experienced with my other two pregnancies. My doctor called in some medicine today and I am starting to feel like I can get through the day. I am so relieved. I am holding out hope that it only persists through the first trimester and then I can relax and semi-enjoy my last pregnancy. Through the weeks of feeling like I have been run over by a truck repeatedly I have had thoughts- painful thoughts... thoughts about my parents.

I called and left a message the week before Easter and asked for just one day. Back so long ago it seems they invited my husband to be to Easter. That was in 2004. I called and left my voice on the recorder. I suggested that perhaps we could take just one day a year to come together and leave our differences at the door. I thought spring would be good a time. A time of renewal and regrowth. Apparently, they didn't think it was a good idea as I have heard not a word. Can you imagine receiving a call from your long, lost daughter asking for one more day and ignoring that call? I can't. I don't understand. I feel like the pain I have from being rejected of this simple request doesn't compare to the isolation and regret that they must undeniably feel. My Grandmother, my mother's mom called too and she ignored her, too. A call from your mother and daughter and nothing... really? The really sad thing about it all is that we are not gone forever. We are still alive and can't have that one more day for some reason.

We are going to bring another child into the world sooner than later and yet again my parents will choose not to share in that joy. I want my mom to be here to help me through my fears and rejoice in my successes. I want my mom whenever I feel the full impact of my own motherhood.

Anyway, I continue to hope and love even though at times I wish I could just turn it off. However, I am proud and would never trade the fact that I can love and be loved. I find great comfort in the love shared between myself and my Grandma. I am glad that I am like her. My mother used to say that to me, "Don't be so like your Grandma." I don't understand why she saw the attributes of unconditional love, forgiveness, care for others... among others so adverse. My Grandma is a remarkable woman and I love her dearly. We have each other.

Okay, so enough of the pity party. :) I have got over my fear of weighing in daily. I just have this fear that I am going to be up and over 200 pounds again in a blink of an eye (yep, that happened with both of my previous pregnancies). I am really going to try to keep my weight gain down this time. I want to start working out and have a "fit pregnancy." Whatever that means, right? :) No, I just feel like I can't just let myself go and forget all I have learned over the past months on HCG drops. HCG is a wonderful thing in the pregnant woman and I need to use it to my advantage. I had no idea about HCG before and now I just feel like I have a leg up understanding what kind of foods and quantities can pack on the weight under the influence of HCG. We will see how well I do! And, it is true you are not eating for two. You are eating for the health of yourself and a tiny growing being (that doesn't need that whole cake :)).

Well, I better close for now and catch up with some of your posts. :) Thanks to you all for listening and it is so nice to have this little place in bloggerworld where I can retreat to and vent my different feelings. Goodnight and happy spring (I think... seems like it will never get here:))...