Tuesday, September 25, 2012

...just a little scared

Hello, hello! :)

Helderheid... you inspired me to write a post.  I was so glad to see your post!  You have done awesome and can't wait to see what more you do!

So here I am tentatively peeking my head around the corner, shyly dipping my foot in the water... insert any analogy here for someone who has stayed in the shadows for way too long and is just a little scared of the blinding spotlight.

...the self-confrontation spotlight is what I speak of tonight.  I have been ignoring myself for a long time now and to tell you all quite honestly I am kind of scared of acknowledging myself again.

I am scared of telling you all how I have fallen off the wagon about a hundred miles ago, rolled down a steep cliff, landed in a pile of something, not sure what :) and am sitting at the bottom not doing a damn thing to get myself out.

Also, I just read a post by Sheryl, aka. Bitch Cakes on her blog that may illuminate my struggles a bit more:  A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures

Something struck me in her most recent post:
  "I don't recall a specific moment or incident when I suddenly began to accept myself, but if I had to think about what caused the change, I am certain it started pretty early on in the journey. That’s important to note because the self acceptance didn't happen when I became a certain size or weight. It began to evolve simply from the act of taking care of myself - in regards to both food and activity. By taking control of my choices and my life, I was telling myself I was neither worthless nor hopeless like I had told myself for so long.
Making those positive changes meant I mattered. And making those better choices helped me repair the mental and emotional damage I had caused and subjected myself to for so long. By taking care of myself I was finally showing myself love and kindness and compassion - which I’m certain was what planted the seeds of self-acceptance." 
Self-Acceptance at Fit Bloggin, Bitch Cakes

Self-acceptance doesn't come from a certain size or weight, but rather "from the simple act of taking care of oneself."  Wow!  It just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is what these feelings of "worthlessness and hopelessness" come from- not doing anything to take care of myself!!!

I have been beating myself up non-stop this summer telling myself it isn't that difficult, what is your problem?!  Get it together already!  I get up and go for a couple days and then slip back, hit repeat button.  Taking steps towards caring for myself again might be the thing that breaks the cycle?  And, I am just a little scared.  That may sound ridiculous but it is the perfectionist/defeatist in me that makes me think I shouldn't even give it a try because I may fail.  However, the simple truth is I am already failing.  Not because I am no longer a size 8, but because I am sitting down.  Ultimately, all those inspirational photos are worthless if you don't take just one and let it get down into your soul, if you all can understand what I am trying to say.

Now I am not saying tomorrow morning I am going to wake up ready to go, but I am saying maybe just maybe you all might see me again. :)

Miss you all and I send out my love to each and every one of you!
Maybe I can turn this thing around yet!

Be well.


  1. Wow, you've no idea how much this resonated with me. I'm so glad to "see" you! Thank you for this.

    I'll elaborate more when my migraine passes. Love you so much!!

  2. I've wondered many time how you were doing! I'm glad Helderheid inspired you to write a post.

  3. Woohoo!! Good to see you Caitlin!! :)

  4. So glad you posted Caitlin- your comment spoke to me too. I'm at the bottom of the same cliff, sitting there with you. You are not alone. love to you- XX