Last day of 2009

Happy New Year's Eve!

I have so enjoyed being a part of this community of people on a journey to a healthier lifestyle and slimmer self. You all have played such a huge role in my success, developing confidence and transformation both physical and internal! I cannot thank you all enough for your support, comments and care! I have expressed so much this year in this blog, which I never thought I would ever be capable or willing of doing.

I would like to take a moment and look back on this past year in the realm of personal growth. 2009 will go down in my personal history as the year when I started coming into my own. Not merely because of significant weight loss, but because I allowed myself to fully experience and actively seek personal change: To allow myself to think differently about myself. I am not that awkward and extremely self-conscious person anymore. Sure, I still have many things to work on in 2010 and for that matter, all the rest of my years. However, for the first time in my life, going into a new year I actually feel different as if being on the brink of the rest of my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but past years I felt as though I was merely changed due to the natural passage of time and not because of my desire to make that decision.

I am excited for 2010 and all the work still to be done! As I looked back on my resolutions it seems that what I really want to focus on this upcoming year are relationships. Relationships between myself and my dear children, my loving husband, my much loved extended family, people I work with and people passed by just in daily life. Making these relationships positive and of utmost importance will be my mission and delight! I want to challenge myself to do the best I can in this realm. I want to remember perfection is not the goal or even a reality, but rather simply caring to reflect on not only my mistakes but also my accomplishments, and to either correct or embellish these realizations will go a long ways to making me a better person.

2010, here we come!

photobucket.com

“Boldog új évet kívánok” in Hungarian, or for short, “BUÉK!” means "I wish you a Happy New Year!"

Etsy.com

I just ran across this website and started going through the countless examples of vinyl wall decals. I am in love! I just adore them! I have been driving myself nuts thinking about what I am going to do with my dining room and living room area (remember the picture of my Christmas tree) and now I have a clearer idea. Our house is very modern looking with clean lines and wide open spaces. My dining room is huge and that burnt orange wall has been giving me trouble. So, check out the following sampling of a few of my favorites (not necessarily just for my dining room, but I might just get crazy with this idea). Lavenderdiva I will be extremely interested in your opinion since you have such expertise and an eye for this kind of thing. :)

Check out etsy.com for yourself! These decals are surprisingly affordable, too!













Some of my favorites for a child's room. I am thinking of buying some of the bird decals on their own for starters to add to the tree I painted for my youngest daughter (since I never got around to painting some in): If wishes were horses


This along with other designs by this designer are actually made of fabric and the child can take them off and on to dress the little girl! So cute!

Aren't they just fabulous! I just love the pristine color and distinct style!

Goodnight you all!

Just a little peeved!

I am going to try and not be extremely irritated this morning. I got on the scale and I can't really tell, but either there was no movement from yesterday or even a small gain! The scale gave me all these wacky readings and I am just so upset almost to the point of throwing up my hands and calling it good. However, I just sucked it up and took a dose of HCG this morning. Hopefully, the scale will be kind to me tomorrow.

I am starting out at 146.0 + or -. I am not going to update on my weight until I reach 139 and then I will proceed to give updates until I hit 135 or less. I just don't want to focus on the weight vs. days, you know. I just need to keep my head down and push myself. I need to do this more for me rather than the number on the scale, because I am getting so incredibly discouraged! I can't end now. I am above the weight I supposedly ended with last round!!!! I could just scream!

I will continue to read and comment on all of your posts and post what I can here and there. Wish me luck, I sure am going to need it!

quote of the moment

After I wrote the following post I thought about my most favorite quote, which I have carried with me for many, many years. Just thought I would share.

I shall pass this way but once, any good therefore I can do; let me do now. Let me not defer nor neglect, for I shall pass this way but once. -anonymous

2010...

New Year's Eve is rapidly approaching. 2010... you are coming whether we are ready or not! It seems like yesterday when it was turning 2001, the year I graduated from high school. How is it time flies by so quickly? I feel like I have been asleep or something. This new year has me thinking. This will be the first new year that I will not have the following on the resolution list:

1. Lose weight (whatever it might have been)

Yes, I still have weight to lose, but it has fallen from my priority list! What an exciting prospect!!! Now my energies can be focused onto other equally and perhaps even more important facets of character building. This morning I was so completely depressed with my obsession of thinking about my weight. I was almost repulsed by the fact that my thoughts have very rarely deviated from that stupid scale. I just don't want to think about it anymore, and yet I do. It almost gives me comfort to know I can now have control over something in my life, which I never thought possible even if it won't give me a break. I can't seem to relax and start thinking about other things, because it is apparent my weight will always need my watchful eye and I am just going to have to find acceptance. However, it will become less and less of an issue as the months and years fall away as I maintain the slimmer and healthier me.

This new year is just an opportunity and excuse to start focusing my energies elsewhere, or rather finding a balance between weight and world peace. (Once again cheesy, but I wanted another word that started with a "W." I don't know how you all put up with me. haha! :))

What is it that I would like to try and accomplish this year?

1. Become a better mother. I want to be better and better- the best I can be! This is the greatest and most important feat of my life and sometimes I forget this. They need me to at least give it my all. They deserve this! I need to practice patience and better parenting practices. But, most of all my father-in-law said this to me, "One thing I wish I would have done more as a young father is say yes to any request made from my children for me to spend some quality time with them." I am going to try and keep this in the back of my mind always. It is so simple and yet means so much.
2. Become a better wife. There are so many things we can do to improve our most treasured relationships and yet I find myself putting them off until tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. I am not really sure as to the steps I am going to take towards doing better in this role, but I want to look into it.
3. If I have something loving and caring to say to someone I love, I will say it! This year I have had reoccurring threads of thought which echo the words I said in relation to the loss of Mattie- "Live every moment as if it were your last."
   
4. Put more time and effort into Raving Real Estate.
   
5. Finish my children's book writing venture and see if I can produce something of quality.
6. Exercise more- run a 5K or more than one!
   
7. Read, read much more.
8. Make my faith and practice a priority, because when I do the things above fall in line naturally.

I am sure there are things I am forgetting, but for now this is my list. I look forward to you, 2010! I will leave you with these adorable, sequined New Year's Eve dresses. One year I would love to buy a dress as such and wear it to a New Year's party. Perhaps next year! :)

PS- Don't you just love the version of Auld Lang Syne on my playlist. I just love it! Makes me reminiscent and romantic feeling.

Click on this picture to enlarge and go to website where these dresses can be found.


This one is not sequined, but I thought it was beautiful- love the color!


Oh, and just because I forgot to post earlier. I am starting HCG tomorrow morning. I did not lose as much as I was hoping for and thought I would give it one more day. I weighed in at 146.o pounds this morning. Cross your fingers for a larger loss to get me a little more ahead going into this last big push! :)

So I ran...

{If you have not already, read the post directly following this post first to gain insight into this post.}

The day after Christmas I bundled up in my coat, wool mittens, purple snow hat and running shoes. I needed to get out and move my body. I needed to breathe fresh air. However, I did not know I was inadvertently searching for a place where I could feel. I needed to let myself grieve the loss of my dog in this place...

There is some back story I need to reveal first. After I became pregnant with my first daughter we moved into town along with Mattie. After my daughter was born, all of the sudden Mattie was not the center of attention. She was not happy with us and it broke my heart. Fortunately, my parents-in-law who I have the great pleasure of knowing and loving loved Mattie with all their hearts and were happy to take care of her, which was perfect because we could still see her and take her from time to time. And I knew she was happy and well taken care of. I wrote on my other blog the following a month or so before Mattie died:

"Mattie has been with us over the holiday (Thanksgiving) and it has been so fun to watch Amelia and Mattie (kind of reminds me of when I was a bit younger and more apt to play with my dog:)). They have been going out into the backyard and enjoying the snow and sun. I love all the windows looking out into the backyard, because I can keep an eye on her without going outside myself (Faly has been pretty sick lately and I haven't wanted to take her out)... We miss Mattie so much, and I am glad to see Mattie take a liking to Amelia (even if it is a little too late :)). For those of you who do not know, I got Mattie as a little, tiny puppy when I was still in high school... She is such a wonderful dog! Mattie was not very happy after we had Amelia and moved into town. She needed space and complete attention from her human caretakers. Mom and Dad are her sole owners now. Mattie is happy in Colorado Springs with Grandma and Poppy."

I am so thankful we had Mattie for almost a complete month before she died. If I had not had this time with her losing her would have been far much more difficult for me. It was only about 5 days after being with us and returning back to Colorado when she died. I cried here at home, but had not yet released the emotion I had while being in Colorado for Christmas. I could see her as if she was there, but she wasn't and it was so strange to have a Christmas without her laying her head on my knee at the table or watching attentively as the girls ran around and enjoyed the excitement of the holiday.

...So I ran. I ran up the steep slopes of the mountain loop near the house. The cold air pierced my lungs and burned my eyes and throat. I pushed on as if chasing the apparition of my dog. I could see her darting off of the road into the forest and then returning back to me, smiling. I reached the peak of the road where it then started its steep decline. I stopped short at the look out. The sprawling city and never-ending expanse of land and sky stretched out before me. The landscape was so large it seemed as though it could without hesitation swallow me up. Thoughts of her, my parents, sister and other past loved relatives streamed into my mind. I bent over and cried. I had to divert my eyes from the vastness of the landscape to keep from feeling like she was gone and the universe and world was so enormous how could I ever know where she was or even go wherever she happened to be when the time came.

I don't believe in heaven and hell from the Christian standpoint. I believe those life conditions along with others all exist in every moment of life and which one manifests depends on our fluctuating and non-static life condition: The Ten Worlds

I do however, believe that life is not over once we finish this lifetime. Life goes on forever with no beginning and no ending, our life goes on forever. Depending on our causes in this lifetime and the connections we make we can draw strong relationships between our beings back into different lifetimes. Have you ever met someone who you thought you knew before? Have you ever had a connection with a loved one that seemed so strong that it could not have possibly only developed in this lifetime?

Being a Nichiren Buddhist I believe the past, present and future are all wrapped up into the moment- the here and now. It is life at this moment that is of the greatest importance, not death. I find solace in this. I am not waiting for some eternal place of bliss or damnation, which either exists or does not. The existence of these places are not convincing to me also. I do not want to go to a place that has to be non-changing due to its very nature. A place where certain people are left out because of a lack of certain belief in this world. I could go on, but this really is not meant to be a post on spiritual belief, but rather a post on the complexity and inevitably of loss.

Allowing the emotion of losing my dog and the connections associated with her to flood over me like a raging river was an incredible experience. An experience of honoring her memory and respecting my need for her along with the realization that life continues after losing presences we before could not imagine life without.

Sorry, everyone- I guess when the floodgates open they really open. :) I really needed to write these posts. Thanks for reading.

Mattie

Good morning my faithful followers. I am back and I apologize for my long absence. I guess I just needed a break over the holidays. Thank you for your patience with me and thank you lavenderdiva for your concern over my absence. :) I so appreciate your comment.

Let me start with a scale update. I held steady at 142.2 pounds for quite a while and then it all just kind of went to pot. I started a "planned interruption"on Christmas Eve. I did not weigh myself until this morning. I am up to 147.8 pounds this morning. A gain of 5.6 pounds. :( I decided I didn't really care and I was going to allow myself to enjoy all the joys of Christmas food. I told myself that I was not going to wake up one morning and be 180 pounds again, so why not? I am not that broken up about my gain. I still feel like I look amazing and furthermore I have a plan. I am doing a steak day today and then tomorrow I am starting HCG again. I am going to persist until I reach 135 pounds. I don't know if I can do this, but I am going to give it a try. I don't really understand a planned interruption and if any of you can offer help I would very much appreciate it. :) Do you have to load again, is it alright that I will have gone 5 days without HCG?

Now, let me proceed to a more somber topic. I have struggled to write this post, as I have not been able to form the words. I have not posted since the 15th of December, as you all very well know. My dog died on the 18th of December. She was going to be 11 on the 14th of February, Valentine's Day. She probably had a tumor near her heart that grew and grew over the years and eventually bled out. She did not suffer and she went quickly and quietly.

Her name was Mattie. She was a Border Collie/Australian Shepard mix. She was beautiful, smart, well-behaved and loved by all who met her. I got her as a small puppy back in '99. I was a Junior in High School- still living at home with the parents I talked about earlier. I trained and showed her in 4-H and other dog shows. She won many ribbons, trophies and plaques.

I suppose the pain of losing her has been hard for me not only because of what an incredible dog she was, but also because she was really the last connection I had between my old life and my new. We shared a common knowledge and understanding of where we had once been and where we now were. She was there for me during a very tumultuous transition period in my life. She was the dog who was rightfully mine, but who I had to steal back from my parents. The dog my parents were holding from me and over me. If I had not taken my husband's advice and drawn from his strength to make the drive with him to my old home to retrieve her I wouldn't have had the great pleasure of being with her during the last years of her life. But, most disturbing if I had not taken her back, and she remained with my parents they would have never had the decency to call me about her death.

Mattie is really the initial reason I am with my husband today. The reason I have the beautiful family I do. The reason I learned of my parents true nature and unwavering pride. The reason for my change in world and religious view. The reason my whole life has changed... I was looking for an apartment that would allow me to have my dog with me as I finished the final years of my college career. I called the phone number on a FOR RENT sign in a window of a beautiful home. My husband turned out to be the landlord and owner. He fell in love with me at first sight. I did not end up renting from him, but instead ended up starting a whole new chapter of my life the day I met him.

She will live on in all of our memories and stories. Dogs loved like she was loved are never just a dog, but something more. It makes me think about how precious life is. We only have this moment to love and make sure those in our life know we love them.

Live every moment as though it was your last. -unknown



This past summer my daughter showed her in a little dog show. They won the whole contest with the title of Best in Show and Most Adorable Pair! She still had it even in her old age. :) I just love this picture. She was one of those dogs who actually smiled.

The last photos I have of my dog were around Thanksgiving. My daughter loved taking her out into the backyard to frolic in the snow. They were just so adorable running around in the snow together and then they would flop down together and she would pet her for awhile. She acted young and happy clear up until the end. :)