I feel like the HCG world is kinda of going underground or gone incognito now? I hardly see those R2P2 Day whatever posts anymore and no one really reads my blog anymore... Is this true, or not- who knows???
Well, all I can do is tell you all the truth with me. And it is true with me. I started another round of HCG 3 days ago. I only did one day of loading: gained 2 pounds and this morning woke up to a loss of 3.8 pounds. I just decided you know what... HCG worked for me and I am going to go for it again. My goal this round 135. I started out at 156.4, went up to 158.4... and now at 154.6 pounds.
Last round I did not stabilize very well because of turmoil over thinking HCG was bunk (which it is for some and probably for me now- the Sugar Free Protocol totally makes sense to me, but I guess I am just wanting to go back to what I know- call me weak). But, honestly if I follow HCG protocol I lose and maintain. So whatever, sue me- I am doing it again and we'll see what happens.
I am stepping out and revealing myself and it is a little scary... so Hello, to HCG again!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
I am beautiful.
Going to my high school reunion was both good and bad. The people who I thought were so much better, more deserving, more beautiful, more smart and basically more everything came into focus. It was all an illusion. High school, that is. The people who were in my crowd are amazing and beautiful... and my friends, I am included in that group! :) I have so much to be proud of and love about my life. High school made me a better and stronger person- I just didn't know it at the time. It was kind of hard to go back and drudge up some of those old insecurities and fears, but then if I didn't I would continue to ignore them and not get over them.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am athletic.
I am kind.
I have absolutely beautiful children.
I have an incredible and handsome husband, who stands out and challenges me.
I love me.
I love my life.
I feel like I can now appreciate High School for what it was- a part of my life and just a very, very small part. :) I knew some incredible people who are still in my life today and the ones who were not a positive force- well, they were also part of what makes me- me today. I learned much from that awkward and frustrating struggle to maneuver through that time of life.
I am beautiful. I say these words and still they come out difficultly. I believe them and then I don't. Some days I do, and some I don't. Such a simple thing, but I think many of us who are on this weight loss journey have image issues that stem from what other people said or did to us. How do we let these people do this to our beautiful selves? Very easily, it all can tear you down and spit you out and all I hoped for was someday I would be okay. Well, I am more than okay. :)
To all of you out there who don't yet fully believe it- YOU are BEAUTIFUL! Absolutely beautiful!
Blue?
This post is not weight related, but I felt the need to share it regardless. I will be back soon to make a post about my weight soon and in relation to that lovely thing called a high school reunion. :) But until then...
This post is about my second daughter's birthday party. What a fun day! Wonderful friends made it all the better. :) But, this post is about something in particular: the color blue. Well not exactly just the color blue in of itself- I will make myself clear I promise. :) Now my second little one reminds me A LOT of me: complete tomboy, strong, athletic, wants to get in and do everything, a little bit of a show off and funny. Well, once again not the point, however cute. :) The point is when I asked her what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday she promptly replied, "I want a blue cake, Mama." I said, "Well alright, I will see what I can do." I found this amazing recipe here. No butter in the cake- called for 11 egg whites and 2 ounces of food coloring!!! And this was to be the first double layer cake I attempted (with success! :)). Once again- not really the point- I swear it is coming. :)
And here it is: The point is I didn't think a second thought with my little girl's request of blue cake and therefore a blue party. Now think about it... if my son at some point in the future asks me for a pink cake I would undoubtedly have a whole array of thoughts. I shamefully admit this, because over the years I have become completely open and supportive of gays. I believe I have no right whatsoever to judge or recoil in fear because culture has manipulated us to believe certain things about certain people. This all changes eventually anyway- I mean think about Blacks, women, other nationalities... eventually TRUE justice and equality wins out. And, so through my experiences and difficulties in life I can honestly say I would accept and love with all my heart a gay child (this was not the case not so very long and I am very proud I am not bigoted in this area anymore).
But still I would struggle I mean how would I make pink "boyish?" I could make blue "girly" for my daughter, but for my son? Am I projecting my own fears and hesitations? Would it need to be "boyish" or "girly?" No one cared about a blue party for my daughter, but there would be comments about a pink party for my son, I am sure. Should I care? What if liking pink does not mean gay??? Just a social and cultural constraint?
All rhetorical questions, and all fine and non-threatening if one does not have to address them in the moment. Very interesting how we have children with these ideals and pictures in mind and you just never know when you might be faced with such contradictions to your dreams and beliefs for your children.
Now after all that here are a few pictures: We have started a tradition: I went out and spent $10 on balloons and filled her room with them so she awoke to all of them on the ceiling (the picture doesn't really show it but they were blue and purple- once again a way to make blue more "girly" I guess???).
And just because I love her curls!
The cake! It turned out beautiful and quite yummy! The stars are kind of symbolic too, my daughters run around many times singing at the top of their lungs, "I AM A SHOOTING STAR!!!" And it is the most adorable, although loud thing. :) Little shooting stars, that is what they are. :)
I told you it was BLUE!!! That is what 2 ounces of food coloring will do! :)
Hope you all are well and I will be back shortly with another post! :)
This post is about my second daughter's birthday party. What a fun day! Wonderful friends made it all the better. :) But, this post is about something in particular: the color blue. Well not exactly just the color blue in of itself- I will make myself clear I promise. :) Now my second little one reminds me A LOT of me: complete tomboy, strong, athletic, wants to get in and do everything, a little bit of a show off and funny. Well, once again not the point, however cute. :) The point is when I asked her what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday she promptly replied, "I want a blue cake, Mama." I said, "Well alright, I will see what I can do." I found this amazing recipe here. No butter in the cake- called for 11 egg whites and 2 ounces of food coloring!!! And this was to be the first double layer cake I attempted (with success! :)). Once again- not really the point- I swear it is coming. :)
And here it is: The point is I didn't think a second thought with my little girl's request of blue cake and therefore a blue party. Now think about it... if my son at some point in the future asks me for a pink cake I would undoubtedly have a whole array of thoughts. I shamefully admit this, because over the years I have become completely open and supportive of gays. I believe I have no right whatsoever to judge or recoil in fear because culture has manipulated us to believe certain things about certain people. This all changes eventually anyway- I mean think about Blacks, women, other nationalities... eventually TRUE justice and equality wins out. And, so through my experiences and difficulties in life I can honestly say I would accept and love with all my heart a gay child (this was not the case not so very long and I am very proud I am not bigoted in this area anymore).
But still I would struggle I mean how would I make pink "boyish?" I could make blue "girly" for my daughter, but for my son? Am I projecting my own fears and hesitations? Would it need to be "boyish" or "girly?" No one cared about a blue party for my daughter, but there would be comments about a pink party for my son, I am sure. Should I care? What if liking pink does not mean gay??? Just a social and cultural constraint?
All rhetorical questions, and all fine and non-threatening if one does not have to address them in the moment. Very interesting how we have children with these ideals and pictures in mind and you just never know when you might be faced with such contradictions to your dreams and beliefs for your children.
Now after all that here are a few pictures: We have started a tradition: I went out and spent $10 on balloons and filled her room with them so she awoke to all of them on the ceiling (the picture doesn't really show it but they were blue and purple- once again a way to make blue more "girly" I guess???).
And just because I love her curls!
The cake! It turned out beautiful and quite yummy! The stars are kind of symbolic too, my daughters run around many times singing at the top of their lungs, "I AM A SHOOTING STAR!!!" And it is the most adorable, although loud thing. :) Little shooting stars, that is what they are. :)
I told you it was BLUE!!! That is what 2 ounces of food coloring will do! :)
Hope you all are well and I will be back shortly with another post! :)
Monday, July 4, 2011
Hello, I am still here!
...and Happy 4th of July!
I have been gone long and have various reasons. Ultimately, sometimes blogging can just get to the point when you really need a break. I also just needed a break from stressing about the weight and the diet. However, I have not ceased stressing... of course. :) My high school reunion is coming up on the 16th and I would love to drop another 10, but well if you are a true follower then you know my struggle between HCG and the Sugar Free Protocol. I am not sure what to do and to tell you quite frankly I am just getting to the point of realizing things will come into perspective when the time comes.
So anyway, just want to drop a note to let you all know I am still here and thanks for the concern Karyn! Hope you all are well and hope to be back with other updates...
I will leave you with a good ole' mirror picture I took this afternoon. :) Since I never got around to taking a picture once I reached the 140's. I am at 150.6 and am happy about it because I was residing firmly at 155 for a long time these past few weeks.
Got to love ourselves or love the journey of learning to love ourselves... if that makes sense. :)
I have been gone long and have various reasons. Ultimately, sometimes blogging can just get to the point when you really need a break. I also just needed a break from stressing about the weight and the diet. However, I have not ceased stressing... of course. :) My high school reunion is coming up on the 16th and I would love to drop another 10, but well if you are a true follower then you know my struggle between HCG and the Sugar Free Protocol. I am not sure what to do and to tell you quite frankly I am just getting to the point of realizing things will come into perspective when the time comes.
So anyway, just want to drop a note to let you all know I am still here and thanks for the concern Karyn! Hope you all are well and hope to be back with other updates...
I will leave you with a good ole' mirror picture I took this afternoon. :) Since I never got around to taking a picture once I reached the 140's. I am at 150.6 and am happy about it because I was residing firmly at 155 for a long time these past few weeks.
Got to love ourselves or love the journey of learning to love ourselves... if that makes sense. :)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Rambling chatter...
So life in "maintenance" is proving difficult. I am completely freaked out about what may be going on with my body and all the "full fat cells" I have added to my body with the HCG diet. How do I fix all this?! I am still 5 pounds above lowest weight and I am not going to lie, it sucks. (This is due to my inability to gain control right now, not my diet- I have been eating a lot of crap.) I am really detesting seeing 150 something. I am so sick of the 150's, and yet I am doing nothing about it. Oh, and I am having my whole eating at night during my sleep thing again! ACK! It is almost involuntary and seemingly impossible to stop in the moment. I am in a sleep/awake kind of mode and I just eat food- typically crackers with cheese, chocolate, fruit, or nuts. It just is not fun! I don't like the feeling- the lack of control. I even hate to admit it here, but I must for honesty sake. I am so surprised I have been able to keep it only at 5 pounds gained with all this. So, I am in a constant state of, "Oh, what the hell... and omg, I have got to get back down."
And now I have this whole new turmoil of how am I going to justify paying for blood work, change midstride, convince everyone I was wrong, admit I was wrong, get my sister-in-law off of it (btw, she has reached One-derland now and she is riding a momentum streak and won't really listen- yet). I guess I am just going to have to buck up and get these tests done and get on with "fixing" my body. You can talk all you want, you gotta prove it though-that's what counts!
Am I rambling? I am most definitely rambling... well on with it... and I got the Implanon birth control device yesterday which is great, but also worrying. Everywhere you turn something has the potential to kill you or make you feel like shit (hopefully, I will be happy with it- birth control just worries me). Anyway, to top it all off I just found someone to watch our kids this weekend so we can go to my husband's reunion, which is great! (Thank you so very, very much- you know who you are! :)) But I am freaking out about that! What am I going to wear? I feel fat! On and on and on, I tell you! Fretting over all these really stupid things. I mean the weight loss, and healthy body function perhaps not, but everything else.
Oh man, then there is all this other deeper stuff, but I have rambled long enough and sometimes you just gotta know when to shut up :)... I hope you all are more sane than I am right now! :)
P.S. This post is making it sound like I am running around with my head cut off, but the fact is this is all internal. Life is good, I am just having an internal struggle with how to begin to transition into something else and fix damage. I mean I loved HCG so much and loved what it did for me, but now I am just so frustrated! Part of me is just tempted to stay the course and repeat insanity all over again, because it is what I know and it is "easy." But the other, overriding part of me says get the hell off of the HCG train... and what about all the people I got on it! I feel guilty and badly. This battle is so tiring sometimes. This battle seems pointless sometimes. Where is the white flag, and if I waved it would mercy befall me anyway? I think we all know the answer to that question. Surrender is not an option.
And now I have this whole new turmoil of how am I going to justify paying for blood work, change midstride, convince everyone I was wrong, admit I was wrong, get my sister-in-law off of it (btw, she has reached One-derland now and she is riding a momentum streak and won't really listen- yet). I guess I am just going to have to buck up and get these tests done and get on with "fixing" my body. You can talk all you want, you gotta prove it though-that's what counts!
Am I rambling? I am most definitely rambling... well on with it... and I got the Implanon birth control device yesterday which is great, but also worrying. Everywhere you turn something has the potential to kill you or make you feel like shit (hopefully, I will be happy with it- birth control just worries me). Anyway, to top it all off I just found someone to watch our kids this weekend so we can go to my husband's reunion, which is great! (Thank you so very, very much- you know who you are! :)) But I am freaking out about that! What am I going to wear? I feel fat! On and on and on, I tell you! Fretting over all these really stupid things. I mean the weight loss, and healthy body function perhaps not, but everything else.
Oh man, then there is all this other deeper stuff, but I have rambled long enough and sometimes you just gotta know when to shut up :)... I hope you all are more sane than I am right now! :)
P.S. This post is making it sound like I am running around with my head cut off, but the fact is this is all internal. Life is good, I am just having an internal struggle with how to begin to transition into something else and fix damage. I mean I loved HCG so much and loved what it did for me, but now I am just so frustrated! Part of me is just tempted to stay the course and repeat insanity all over again, because it is what I know and it is "easy." But the other, overriding part of me says get the hell off of the HCG train... and what about all the people I got on it! I feel guilty and badly. This battle is so tiring sometimes. This battle seems pointless sometimes. Where is the white flag, and if I waved it would mercy befall me anyway? I think we all know the answer to that question. Surrender is not an option.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Amusement park
Say you are visiting an amusement park. You are standing at the front gates surveying the scene, deciding which rides look like a hell of a fun time. There are crazy, ridiculous rides you know you would lose your lunch riding. There are rollercoasters, spinning, gravity defying rides, fast drops... and then you see one in the distance- a flat tracked rollercoaster. No ups, no downs, no turns, no zigs, no zags, no spins, no nothing. You think to yourself, "Who in the hell would want to ride that boring ass ride?" (Well, perhaps minus the curse words. :))
Whatever struggles we have in our life whether weight related or not are our own. We own them. We live with them. We fight, cater, deny, love, hate and hopefully learn through them. No one would choose the easy, lame boring ride. Sure we may think that would be nice sometimes, but ultimately if given the chance we would take the Death Defying Tower of Doom- or whatever anyday. So, although I am up 5 pounds (yep, I have let myself go- for the time being :)) I am not going to panic. I will not get off this ride to mill around the grounds watching people enjoying rides as I feel sorry for myself holding a funnel cake in one hand and a bat of cotton candy in the other. I am going to embrace this part of the rollercoaster and get through it and have a blast doing it! Of course, I am disappointed in myself and upset that I am back at the weight I was around Easter! But, it is what it is and I have made the certain choices to get here, and therefore have the power to retrace my tracks and get back to the 140's. Without these downs there is no possibility to experience the thrills of the highs.
Okay, I take it all back- Can I please, please have the easy ride? Make me 125 right now, and for permantely forever! I wouldn't mind a nice, easy, slow, predictable- the breeze gently blowing my hair kind of ride............
Whatever struggles we have in our life whether weight related or not are our own. We own them. We live with them. We fight, cater, deny, love, hate and hopefully learn through them. No one would choose the easy, lame boring ride. Sure we may think that would be nice sometimes, but ultimately if given the chance we would take the Death Defying Tower of Doom- or whatever anyday. So, although I am up 5 pounds (yep, I have let myself go- for the time being :)) I am not going to panic. I will not get off this ride to mill around the grounds watching people enjoying rides as I feel sorry for myself holding a funnel cake in one hand and a bat of cotton candy in the other. I am going to embrace this part of the rollercoaster and get through it and have a blast doing it! Of course, I am disappointed in myself and upset that I am back at the weight I was around Easter! But, it is what it is and I have made the certain choices to get here, and therefore have the power to retrace my tracks and get back to the 140's. Without these downs there is no possibility to experience the thrills of the highs.
Okay, I take it all back- Can I please, please have the easy ride? Make me 125 right now, and for permantely forever! I wouldn't mind a nice, easy, slow, predictable- the breeze gently blowing my hair kind of ride............
...........lol! Absolutely, just kidding! :):)
Take care my friends... enjoy the ride!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
do, go and be...
By just eating more to the un-HCG diet I stayed at around 149.8 for 2 days. Yesterday I was up to 151.4. This occurred because of that poisonous sugar factor. :) I ate some cookies and ice cream. So, yesterday I ate a higher-fat diet: lunch- celery with peanut butter, 3 eggs with cheese and butter; dinner- steak cooked in butter, some red potatoes baked in butter and seasoning, asparagus with hollandaise sauce. YUM, YUM, YUM!!! :) Lovin' the fat! I know that sounds insane, but everything starts working and feeling better!
This morning I showed a 1.6 pound loss. Now, I am not really trying the diet out yet. I would still need to get a glucose monitor, blood tests, take measurements (awesome results, Jen, btw!) But, just realizing that I have been feeling poorly because my body is really starving and actually needs a healthy amount of saturated fat, protein, fiber and carbs has really helped. The past 2 mornings I have woke up with energy and ready to go for the day. I don't feel so foggy or drowsy.
Also, an additional comment. After my first 3 rounds before Paine- I did feel great and felt I looked great. However, this time around I definitely feel "skinny-fat," to steal a term from Jen. :) I will take pictures soon. My midsection still is pretty flabby and fatty. And this is driving me nuts!!! I think this is also due to the fact I had just had a baby 6 months ago, but I also feel it is due to the low fat, low carb diet.
Anyway, I am sorry I haven't really been posting information. It just has been so much to take in. Change can be almost scary and even painful. By change one inevitably has to say what came before was and will always be a part of myself, but now no longer has a pedestal in my life. I don't know how to transition. I will always be so happy to have been "successful" with HCG, because it continues to lead me down the path of striving to be better. I no longer just settle or sit down. I can feel great! I can look amazing! I can wear cute clothes! I can be a disciplined person! I can run! I can do whatever I want to because I believe in myself!
Do, go and be a better me right now. That is what I want.
This morning I showed a 1.6 pound loss. Now, I am not really trying the diet out yet. I would still need to get a glucose monitor, blood tests, take measurements (awesome results, Jen, btw!) But, just realizing that I have been feeling poorly because my body is really starving and actually needs a healthy amount of saturated fat, protein, fiber and carbs has really helped. The past 2 mornings I have woke up with energy and ready to go for the day. I don't feel so foggy or drowsy.
Also, an additional comment. After my first 3 rounds before Paine- I did feel great and felt I looked great. However, this time around I definitely feel "skinny-fat," to steal a term from Jen. :) I will take pictures soon. My midsection still is pretty flabby and fatty. And this is driving me nuts!!! I think this is also due to the fact I had just had a baby 6 months ago, but I also feel it is due to the low fat, low carb diet.
Anyway, I am sorry I haven't really been posting information. It just has been so much to take in. Change can be almost scary and even painful. By change one inevitably has to say what came before was and will always be a part of myself, but now no longer has a pedestal in my life. I don't know how to transition. I will always be so happy to have been "successful" with HCG, because it continues to lead me down the path of striving to be better. I no longer just settle or sit down. I can feel great! I can look amazing! I can wear cute clothes! I can be a disciplined person! I can run! I can do whatever I want to because I believe in myself!
Do, go and be a better me right now. That is what I want.
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