Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Rambling chatter...

So life in "maintenance" is proving difficult.  I am completely freaked out about what may be going on with my body and all the "full fat cells" I have added to my body with the HCG diet.  How do I fix all this?!  I am still 5 pounds above lowest weight and I am not going to lie, it sucks. (This is due to my inability to gain control right now, not my diet- I have been eating a lot of crap.)  I am really detesting seeing 150 something.  I am so sick of the 150's, and yet I am doing nothing about it.  Oh, and I am having my whole eating at night during my sleep thing again!  ACK!  It is almost involuntary and seemingly impossible to stop in the moment.  I am in a sleep/awake kind of mode and I just eat food- typically crackers with cheese, chocolate, fruit, or nuts.  It just is not fun!  I don't like the feeling- the lack of control.  I even hate to admit it here, but I must for honesty sake.  I am so surprised I have been able to keep it only at 5 pounds gained with all this.  So, I am in a constant state of, "Oh, what the hell... and omg, I have got to get back down." 

And now I have this whole new turmoil of how am I going to justify paying for blood work, change midstride, convince everyone I was wrong, admit I was wrong, get my sister-in-law off of it (btw, she has reached One-derland now and she is riding a momentum streak and won't really listen- yet).  I guess I am just going to have to buck up and get these tests done and get on with "fixing" my body.   You can talk all you want, you gotta prove it though-that's what counts! 

Am I rambling?  I am most definitely rambling... well on with it... and I got the Implanon birth control device yesterday which is great, but also worrying.  Everywhere you turn something has the potential to kill you or make you feel like shit (hopefully, I will be happy with it- birth control just worries me).  Anyway, to top it all off I just found someone to watch our kids this weekend so we can go to my husband's reunion, which is great!  (Thank you so very, very much- you know who you are! :))  But I am freaking out about that!  What am I going to wear?  I feel fat!  On and on and on, I tell you!  Fretting over all these really stupid things.  I mean the weight loss, and healthy body function perhaps not, but everything else.

Oh man, then there is all this other deeper stuff, but I have rambled long enough and sometimes you just gotta know when to shut up :)...  I hope you all are more sane than I am right now! :)  

P.S.  This post is making it sound like I am running around with my head cut off, but the fact is this is all internal.  Life is good, I am just having an internal struggle with how to begin to transition into something else and fix damage.  I mean I loved HCG so much and loved what it did for me, but now I am just so frustrated!  Part of me is just tempted to stay the course and repeat insanity all over again, because it is what I know and it is "easy."  But the other, overriding part of me says get the hell off of the HCG train... and what about all the people I got on it!  I feel guilty and badly.  This battle is so tiring sometimes.  This battle seems pointless sometimes.  Where is the white flag, and if I waved it would mercy befall me anyway?  I think we all know the answer to that question.  Surrender is not an option.        


  1. I'm not sure why you would get off HCG until you reach your goal weight unless you only did the Homeopathic. After my first round on prescription strength HCG I went on a modified adkins and still lost 10 pounds in 6 weeks. HCG totally changed how I think and view food for once in my life. Yes HCG is tough but I think I have one more round in me after this one. But I am looking forward to my modified atkins way of life as well and eating small meals all day long. You are doing great don't beat yourself up so much. Any loss is a loss and you should celebrate where you came from and don't beat yourself up so much because of where you are now. You can do this and get to your goal.

  2. Hey, just wanted to drop in and say hi, hope you are doing OK. I know silence can often mean 'struggle', Im hoping in your case it means 'success'!