Today is the day!

Going in for the sonogram this afternoon! Very excited! :) I always love this part, however it signifies I am over the hump and on my way down the slippery slope to extreme pain... thinking I might get an epidural this time (way too much anxiety about labor this time).

But, then the little bundle is here and it is something wonderful- even including sleep deprivation, diapers, bottles (hopefully nursing this time *cross fingers*), saggy belly, emotional ups and downs, looking like hell, etc... you know, the usual. :)

On a different note, hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July weekend! Tomorrow is my birthday, too! The big 27. I will update later on the results of the sonogram... until then.

18 weeks

Howdy! :) I am still here and just wanted to drop in real quick to let you all know it. I am doing much better. I am 18 weeks along and wanted to share my bump. See below. These are the only pregnant pictures I will probably share. I have a few from my other pregnancies and let me just tell you- it ain't pretty. :) I have gained a ton, but I am not weighing myself at home (just every 4 weeks at the doctor's office- last time I gained a pound a week). I don't really want to put myself through the bother and worry right now. I am never going to be one of those little, tiny pregnant ladies with just a belly, and you know- I am over it! :) I still think I look pretty decent and it really is about getting my third baby here safely.

I am betting this baby is a boy based on how sick I have been. I wasn't all together that sick early on with my girls and I seem to be carrying the baby higher too. So place your bet now. :) I will know at 22 weeks (I have an appointment next week and then have to wait four more weeks until the next appointment for the sonogram).

Momma in red heels. :)
Until next time... happy HCGing!

Dreaming

I am not going to lie it has been a rough several weeks. Tonight I had a burst of energy that made me almost forget the miserableness I have been going through. It was a weird burst of energy though. One where I didn't stop cleaning my house, but where at moments I would intermittently burst into tears? However, I have had a week where I felt like I really needed to cry and I just couldn't. So, it felt good. Crying is funny that way. It can be very healing and soothing sometimes.

Anyway, I am actually only about 11 weeks right now so not as far as I had originally thought. We had a sonogram (will post the pictures at some point). It was nice to see that it really is a tiny, little growing baby causing all the trouble and not some parasite or something. :)

I have not weighed for about 2 weeks. I am terrified. I thought I was fine for awhile and then all of the sudden I started fitting back into some of my larger sized clothing. :( Oh, man this pregnancy is going to be hard in the weight gain area. I just am not ready to get all big again. I am one of those women who get big and puffy all over- not just the cute pregnant belly. I guess it is difficult after you lose a lot of weight just to have it decimated within a matter of months or in my case weeks. I am a little overwhelmed also with the daunting 7 months ahead. It seems like such a long time to basically be on hold and dedicate my body to growing a baby. I never had these feelings with my first two, but this one is definitely different. Perhaps when I start feeling better these feelings will go away and I can just settle into the great work. :)

I am just lonely and stir crazy (and yet don't really want to be around anyone or do anything) and the weather we have been getting is not helping. We received a ton of snow yesterday (and it was thundering while it was snowing- you can never guess the weather here :)). And, we got some more snow this evening. I just want green, lilacs and warm sun. That is one of the symptoms I am having during this pregnancy- chills and fever. I can't regulate my temperature among other undesirable symptoms. Oh boy, I am such a whiner. But, hey this is a blog and you got to expect some of that. :)

I am dreaming of a spring to come to our neck of the woods soon and along with it relief from first trimester symptoms. So, I will leave you with a couple photos I took last spring of some flowers that will surely return to our backyard, I hope?! :) I was just thinking... I was still larger than what I am now last spring. Can't believe it is coming up on a year of successful weight loss on HCG?! Well, this time next year I should be nearing my goal again...

Wishing for one more day

I have been so awfully sick as of late. Unlike anything I experienced with my other two pregnancies. My doctor called in some medicine today and I am starting to feel like I can get through the day. I am so relieved. I am holding out hope that it only persists through the first trimester and then I can relax and semi-enjoy my last pregnancy. Through the weeks of feeling like I have been run over by a truck repeatedly I have had thoughts- painful thoughts... thoughts about my parents.

I called and left a message the week before Easter and asked for just one day. Back so long ago it seems they invited my husband to be to Easter. That was in 2004. I called and left my voice on the recorder. I suggested that perhaps we could take just one day a year to come together and leave our differences at the door. I thought spring would be good a time. A time of renewal and regrowth. Apparently, they didn't think it was a good idea as I have heard not a word. Can you imagine receiving a call from your long, lost daughter asking for one more day and ignoring that call? I can't. I don't understand. I feel like the pain I have from being rejected of this simple request doesn't compare to the isolation and regret that they must undeniably feel. My Grandmother, my mother's mom called too and she ignored her, too. A call from your mother and daughter and nothing... really? The really sad thing about it all is that we are not gone forever. We are still alive and can't have that one more day for some reason.

We are going to bring another child into the world sooner than later and yet again my parents will choose not to share in that joy. I want my mom to be here to help me through my fears and rejoice in my successes. I want my mom whenever I feel the full impact of my own motherhood.

Anyway, I continue to hope and love even though at times I wish I could just turn it off. However, I am proud and would never trade the fact that I can love and be loved. I find great comfort in the love shared between myself and my Grandma. I am glad that I am like her. My mother used to say that to me, "Don't be so like your Grandma." I don't understand why she saw the attributes of unconditional love, forgiveness, care for others... among others so adverse. My Grandma is a remarkable woman and I love her dearly. We have each other.

Okay, so enough of the pity party. :) I have got over my fear of weighing in daily. I just have this fear that I am going to be up and over 200 pounds again in a blink of an eye (yep, that happened with both of my previous pregnancies). I am really going to try to keep my weight gain down this time. I want to start working out and have a "fit pregnancy." Whatever that means, right? :) No, I just feel like I can't just let myself go and forget all I have learned over the past months on HCG drops. HCG is a wonderful thing in the pregnant woman and I need to use it to my advantage. I had no idea about HCG before and now I just feel like I have a leg up understanding what kind of foods and quantities can pack on the weight under the influence of HCG. We will see how well I do! And, it is true you are not eating for two. You are eating for the health of yourself and a tiny growing being (that doesn't need that whole cake :)).

Well, I better close for now and catch up with some of your posts. :) Thanks to you all for listening and it is so nice to have this little place in bloggerworld where I can retreat to and vent my different feelings. Goodnight and happy spring (I think... seems like it will never get here:))...

Natural HCG

I am a regular natural HCG producing machine. Didn't cost a dime, oh but just you wait- it will. ;) Yep, you guys read right- I am pregnant! I am both very happy and very anxious. I am excited about the prospect of a third baby. I am excited to try and watch my weight during this pregnancy (before I would go on the basis that ignorance was bliss :)). By the way, my weight has been holding steady for the past month and a half, which I am pleased about. On the flip side, I can't help but be worried about having three and the additional work and stress of caring for another. I have a lot of worries, most which are frivolous and a year from now won't be a concern, but pregnancy is serious and bringing another baby into the world is serious. I know it will all work out and I will ultimately change my ways to be a more efficient, effective, patient and just better mother all around.

So this is the reason for my long absence. :) I miss blogging like I used to and keeping a rapport with everyone- it has just been hard as of late. I know I have so many loose ends out there- I am sorry to those of you (you know who you are) that I have put off. I would say I would try to do better, but I just don't see that happening anytime soon. So, I will just try to pop in from time to time. Maybe some belly pictures for the first time in my life! :) (Okay, probably not... I am not such a cute pregnant lady). I am about 9 weeks along and due at the end of October. So wish us luck! :) Here we go again and for the final time. I guess I better make it good.

I still enjoy reading all of your posts, and that is one thing I can try to be better about- leaving comments. :) We all love comments! :) Have a beautiful weekend to you all!

P.S. Thank you Lavenderdiva for prodding me to catch back up with you all. :) It is nice to hear when you are missed.

Cross country skiing trip about a month ago. (Didn't know I was pregnant- at least it was cross country and not downhill. :)) Can't believe there will be one more in the picture come next skiing season! :)

I am still here :)

Hello, to you all! I can't believe it has been so long since I last blogged. My apologies again. I have just not had a lot to say, because I have done so poorly maintaining as of late. I have no idea what I weigh right now- haven't weighed in 3 days and the last time I weighed I was 9 pounds over my lowest weight. :( :( However, I have been reading some blogs and lavenderdiva and helderheid you both have given me some inspiration and hope. So, I hope to get it back under control before I start another round coming up here pretty soon.

I guess I was not in such a great place when I quit HCG and I held it together for awhile and then just got really lackadaisical and lost focus. It really is terrible to gain weight back. Don't do it, if you can help it. I feel so fat it is just ridiculous. One thing I have learned is I am more aware of my body and can feel an increase of weight even before I weigh (not that I have done anything about it). I find this comforting, because before HCG I really did not have a handle on weight fluctuations and really had no sense of gain or loss in my own body. I guess it is the awareness and therefore the potential for control that comforts me. I really need to get it together and get on with achieving my goal. I can't lose sight of my goal or waiver in my resolve and confidence in my ability to reach my goal weight.

I have still been pole dancing (completely fun!) and I know when I do this upcoming round my new muscles are really going to show through nicely. Can't wait! :) It takes some strength and I am proud of my progress. I need to lose and maintain my weight for my confidence in this area, too. I have also been doing light activity here and there, but just not eating cleanly or correcting gains at all. :( I will try to update more frequently and fill you guys in as to my hopeful success getting back down to my lowest weight.

The puppy is doing great- we now just have Kinta, because the parents-in-law took Abby home with them a couple weeks ago. It is nice just having one now. :) She is a good little puppy- still working on the potty training though. It will come. :) We still have tons of snow and it feels as if spring will never come, which reminds me... this is the first spring and summer I am looking forward to in the realm of clothing. Usually, I get so anxious about the weather turning warmer, because that means no more sweaters, vests and bulky clothing to cover my body in the hopes of feeling better about myself. I am so excited and all the more reason to get a little more serious. :)

Okay, I got to run- but I am glad to drop in real quick and way to keep up the great work to you all! Until next time...

New puppy!

We got a new puppy! Actually two female puppies to be clear. One for our family and the other for my parents-in-law. We got two Australian Shepherd puppies. We named our puppy, Kinta. It is an Australian aboriginal word meaning laughter. My parents-in-law named their dog, Abby. We have both of them for the time being. I am doing the initial indoor and obedience training. They are about 3 months old and just at the stage when I can start training. I am pretty impressed with how quickly they are catching on to basic commands. Nothing like a well-trained dog! :) I am glad they are a bit older too because they can go outside and are able to run in the snow without too much struggle. They are so adorable and we are having so much fun with them!

Kinta

The first night they ducked underneath my china cabinet a little apprehensive about the transition. Kinta on right.

Playing in the backyard.

Just thought I would check in since I have been away for so long and let you all know about this little bit of news. I am doing pretty good. I am above my lowest weight by more than I want to be, however I am stable which is all I can ask for. I don't want to be just gradually increasing over time. Anyway, I will try and catch up with all of you and hope you all are doing well in losing and maintaining!