Sunday, January 3, 2010

Just part of the journey...

This post is going to suck to write, but I owe it all to you and myself.

I am quitting.... for now. This has just been a crazy battle with myself and I am weary. I don't know what I weigh at the moment for I have not weighed myself for three days. I started each morning out thinking: okay now I am serious, now I am ready to get done with this. But the day always ended in disaster. I stopped taking HCG this morning. I am doing an apple day right now. I will weigh myself tomorrow and then start the process of maintaining and trying out the steak day and other options during P3 to decrease and maintain weight.

I am just so frustrated with myself and I can't help but feel like Round 2 and 3 were complete failures. I know this really isn't true, but I have not really got anywhere. I mentioned to a friend and fellow HCG'er that I felt like I am under a jinx. Not to blame anyone, because ultimately it is up to me, but this is an interesting observation. During Round 1, I called my mom (after all she was the one who introduced me) after starting to feel really poorly (around Day 14- I had lost over 16 pounds by then). I wasn't eating all of my 500 calories and I had lost an insane amount of weight very quickly. She told me to eat for a couple of days to get my strength back up and that I should just be happy with a loss of 20 pounds. She said that I needed to rethink my goal because I have had kids and such, and my body was different somehow. She thought 160 was good enough for me. This is how she is. She doesn't even consider that it is not her body and it is not her place to determine when I should call it good. She said this almost as if she really didn't want me to look and feel any better.

So, this is where the jinx, hex or whatever comes in. I only get so far away from the weight determination she deemed appropriate for me and then I start cheating to up me back in weight... Well, she can kiss my skinny ass!!! I mean when did having kids become an excuse to just settle for a certain weight?

I will be exercising, eating right, weighing myself daily and enjoying life. Perhaps in March I will start another round, if need be. My husband and I are wanting to perhaps renew our vows this summer with a party that both of our families can attend (well minus my parents and sister, as I am sure they will not come. We invited them to the JP back 4 years ago and they nastily refused. I will send an invitation regardless). It will be our 5 year anniversary. See post: Steak Day & A Beautiful Dress. I can't wait to wear that dress! It is so incredibly beautiful, I just can't get it out of my head.

Whether well-founded or not, this is my plan. I wish I had better news, but this is it. This is how I will try and look at this segment of my weight loss story: just part of the journey...

I am not going anywhere though- I still have a lot to learn and share so this is not the end.


  1. You better not be goin' anywhere, missy! I so look forward to your updates and would miss you terribly if you stopped blogging!!

    I'm sorry it's been so hard. You started back up rather early, right? Maybe a longer break is what you need before going for it again (though I must say, you DO look stunning!).

    Whatever you decide to do, please keep us posted. I'm so very glad to have "met" you!

  2. I can understand how you feel. Best of luck as you try to lose without HCG. It's NOT the only way to lose weight, after all! I have no interest in staying on it myself much longer than March. It's expensive, and I want to start jogging, for real, which is hard to do without carbs.

    Please keep us updated!

  3. I know how hard it was for you to make this decision.

    It is very difficult to untangle our 'selves' from our mothers. No matter what age we are, but certainly as a young woman. Our moms hold great sway over us, and are probably unaware of just how much influence their words can hold. It is also difficult to start seeing our mothers as people, who are on their own journey, and are flawed. Somehow, growing up, Mom always had the answers and knew what to do, right? While your mom may have settled for the figure she has now after having children, that doesn't mean you have to. And your course is not determined or 'jinxed' by her words, unless you give those words importance. You are in control of your life and your weight. You can weigh whatever you want to weigh. And live the life you choose to live.

    Take this time and enjoy yourself. When/if you decide to start another round, you know you will be successful. Look at where you started and how far you've come; you're very close to your goal. It doesn't matter how long it takes, or how you get there, but you will get there.

    "Dear Caitlin: Don't worry how long it takes. You have a goal: 125... Don't give up" love, Caitlin.

    Hugs to you my friend, and you'd better keep your blog up, I love reading your posts and feel like I have a new friend!

  4. While I am sorry that we wont be doing an HCG journey together, I am glad that you will still be blogging! I have really enjoyed getting to know you through your life snippets, and look forward to your posts.

    You are an incredible woman, and have come so far! I admire that trueness to self and life authenticity that you have - what a treasure to think enough of yourself to allow your spirit to grow as it needs to! And as for the weight, sounds like you will be cognizant of your health. Not now doesnt mean not ever, I know! I completely understand how not progressing, or even taking a step backwards, can wear on you, and sometimes a break is what is called for!

    Stay in touch, my Blogger friend! :) Keep us updated on the Renewal ceremony!

  5. Hey. I have been feeling for a couple of days now that I need to give you a call or get together. Ever since you said you wrote a huge long message and it was lost, I have been thinking about you. I'm sorry if I haven't been here for you. I'm sure the lost phone situation has complicated things and sometimes I am not in a place mentally where I need to be when people are talking to me. I am sorry. I will work on being a better listener. Call me. :(

  6. You all make me cry- a good cry- knowing that people care about me, both the friends I have in real life (thank you so much Jen for your care and concern- I love you!) and the friends I have acquired through this blog while on this journey. I feel like I have gained you all as friends, too. :)

    helderheid: you are right, I think my impatience got to me and therefore I should have not started R3 so soon- and I am staying here, because it has become more than a weight loss blog, but a forum for self discovery and growth.

    Christy: I am excited for real exercise! I started yesterday and if feels marvelous! :)

    lavenderdiva: Wow, how your words have touched me. You are such a wise and caring person and I appreciate your insight and help with this issue I have with my mom. :) Thank you also for the reminder about my note to me. I reread that and commented that they are all still true, just because I am giving it up at the moment does not mean I have lost my goal- I CAN DO IT! I WILL DO IT! Just not right now- it won't happen over night:) Thanks so much!

    Lis: Thank you so much for your kind words. I think allowing myself to be exposed and as honest as I dare on here has helped me just as much as the weight loss. I love what you said, "Not now does not mean not ever." It is so true and thank you for that! I will keep you all posted and so look forward to continue learning about and from you all!

    Jen: You are a truly wonderful friend! I told Brendan last night that I am so glad and fortunate to have you in my life. Thank you so very much, and I can't wait to see you soon! Talk to you later my friend... :)

  7. Caitlin- I just was thinking of you today and thought I would see how things were going:) I'm so glad that you aren't giving up. I think your other friends have said it best, but I too KNOW that you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. Just give yourself time:) Aren't we always our worst critics? Anyway, I can relate to the mom thing a little too, but don't let their expectations or excuses get us down too much. You are a wonderful, strong person with talents and abilities you are just discovering. Keep going. I wish you the very best during your maintenance phase! I so wish I could be there to jog with you, but if you need a goal to run a race, I know a great place to run a race anytime of the year:) Keep going! All our positive vibes and love, Jamie

  8. Caitlin: Happy New Year to you, Brendan and the girls. We hope to see you all soon.

    Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read my blog. I've spent a little time here and see I need to come back to read more...I'm impressed with your ability to capture and convey your feelings and emotions, which can be so difficult with the written word.

    I'm sorry to read that you've been struggling with the program (and some of your mom's comments). What lavenderdiva said is so true...that our parents are people too and that they had/have their dreams and wishes and disappointments and maybe too some of the same trials and tribulations we've experienced but it's hard to see them that way, especially as lavenderdiva said...they can hold a powerful sway over us, even when we don't want them to. It's taken me a long time to see this and now as a parent of a teenager, I'm on the other side from (my former) perspevtive. Don't know it that makes sense.

    Also, I'm sorry to read about Mattie...I loved reading the post about when you got her and how she was the reason you met Brendan.

    I'm going to suggest you read my most recent post "5...mabye 6..." and I hope it makes you smile!


    p.s. I'm going to ask you to come over some day and help with my obviously know what you're doing with your background paper and music!

  9. How are you doing today, Caitlin? I really think that you have to be 100% in the mindset of the protocol to be able to stick with it, so if a break is what you need, an break is what you NEED! There are no rules against that. Take the time you need, and then if you feel that doing the protocol is right for you, then do with gusto!


  10. Catilin - Even though I haven't been posting on my blog regularly lately, I have been reading yours when I get the opportunity. I agree with some of the other comments that it can be emotionally draining to jump back in to repeated rounds. I took a little over 2 months off, and I still feel that it was on the short side. But one of the most satisfying things was the ability to maintain the weight loss, not just acheive it through the HCG. It is life changing to know that you can lose the weight and keep it off thanks to this diet. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself a chance to eat and maintain, and then come back to it when you are in a better place mentally, and I am sure your weight will respond differently. I do enjoy reading your blog, so please keep posting!