don't you worry...

I am having a VERY HARD time and I am only on Day 4 or 5 or whatever it is.  Yeah, it is that bad.

But, don't you worry I am so going to do awesome today! :)  I will update tomorrow, because I just can't bring myself to post about my horribleness today. 

Happy HCGing or pretending at it, whatever it might be...   

HCG Incognito?

I feel like the HCG world is kinda of going underground or gone incognito now?  I hardly see those R2P2 Day whatever posts anymore and no one really reads my blog anymore...  Is this true, or not- who knows??? 

Well, all I can do is tell you all the truth with me.  And it is true with me.  I started another round of HCG 3 days ago.  I only did one day of loading:  gained 2 pounds and this morning woke up to a loss of 3.8 pounds.  I just decided you know what... HCG worked for me and I am going to go for it again.  My goal this round 135.  I started out at 156.4, went up to 158.4... and now at 154.6 pounds.  

Last round I did not stabilize very well because of turmoil over thinking HCG was bunk (which it is for some and probably for me now- the Sugar Free Protocol totally makes sense to me, but I guess I am just wanting to go back to what I know- call me weak).  But, honestly if I follow HCG protocol I lose and maintain.  So whatever, sue me- I am doing it again and we'll see what happens. 

I am stepping out and revealing myself and it is a little scary... so Hello, to HCG again!   

I am beautiful.

Going to my high school reunion was both good and bad.  The people who I thought were so much better, more deserving, more beautiful, more smart and basically more everything came into focus.  It was all an illusion.  High school, that is.  The people who were in my crowd are amazing and beautiful... and my friends, I am included in that group! :)  I have so much to be proud of and love about my life.  High school made me a better and stronger person- I just didn't know it at the time.  It was kind of hard to go back and drudge up some of those old insecurities and fears, but then if I didn't I would continue to ignore them and not get over them.  

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am athletic.

I am kind.

I have absolutely beautiful children.

I have an incredible and handsome husband, who stands out and challenges me.

I love me.

I love my life.

I feel like I can now appreciate High School for what it was- a part of my life and just a very, very small part. :)  I knew some incredible people who are still in my life today and the ones who were not a positive force- well, they were also part of what makes me- me today.  I learned much from that awkward and frustrating struggle to maneuver through that time of life.

I am beautiful.  I say these words and still they come out difficultly.  I believe them and then I don't.  Some days I do, and some I don't.  Such a simple thing, but I think many of us who are on this weight loss journey have image issues that stem from what other people said or did to us.  How do we let these people do this to our beautiful selves?  Very easily, it all can tear you down and spit you out and all I hoped for was someday I would be okay.  Well, I am more than okay. :) 

To all of you out there who don't yet fully believe it- YOU are BEAUTIFUL!  Absolutely beautiful!      

 

Blue?

This post is not weight related, but I felt the need to share it regardless.  I will be back soon to make a post about my weight soon and in relation to that lovely thing called a high school reunion. :)  But until then...

This post is about my second daughter's birthday party.  What a fun day!  Wonderful friends made it all the better.  :)  But, this post is about something in particular: the color blue.  Well not exactly just the color blue in of itself- I will make myself clear I promise. :)  Now my second little one reminds me A LOT of me: complete tomboy, strong, athletic, wants to get in and do everything, a little bit of a show off and funny.  Well, once again not the point, however cute. :)  The point is when I asked her what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday she promptly replied, "I want a blue cake, Mama."  I said, "Well alright, I will see what I can do."  I found this amazing recipe here.  No butter in the cake- called for 11 egg whites and 2 ounces of food coloring!!!  And this was to be the first double layer cake I attempted (with success! :)).  Once again- not really the point- I swear it is coming. :)  

And here it is:  The point is I didn't think a second thought with my little girl's request of blue cake and therefore a blue party.  Now think about it... if my son at some point in the future asks me for a pink cake I would undoubtedly have a whole array of thoughts.  I shamefully admit this, because over the years I have become completely open and supportive of gays.  I believe I have no right whatsoever to judge or recoil in fear because culture has manipulated us to believe certain things about certain people.  This all changes eventually anyway- I mean think about Blacks, women, other nationalities... eventually TRUE justice and equality wins out.  And, so through my experiences and difficulties in life I can honestly say I would accept and love with all my heart a gay child (this was not the case not so very long and I am very proud I am not bigoted in this area anymore).  

But still I would struggle I mean how would I make pink "boyish?"  I could make blue "girly" for my daughter, but for my son?  Am I projecting my own fears and hesitations?  Would it need to be "boyish" or "girly?"  No one cared about a blue party for my daughter, but there would be comments about a pink party for my son, I am sure.  Should I care?  What if liking pink does not mean gay??? Just a social and cultural constraint? 

All rhetorical questions, and all fine and non-threatening if one does not have to address them in the moment.  Very interesting how we have children with these ideals and pictures in mind and you just never know when you might be faced with such contradictions to your dreams and beliefs for your children.


Now after all that here are a few pictures:  We have started a tradition:  I went out and spent $10 on balloons and filled her room with them so she awoke to all of them on the ceiling (the picture doesn't really show it but they were blue and purple- once again a way to make blue more "girly" I guess???).   

And just because I love her curls!

The cake!  It turned out beautiful and quite yummy!  The stars are kind of symbolic too, my daughters run around many times singing at the top of their lungs, "I AM A SHOOTING STAR!!!"  And it is the most adorable, although loud thing. :)  Little shooting stars, that is what they are. :) 

I told you it was BLUE!!!  That is what 2 ounces of food coloring will do! :)  

Hope you all are well and I will be back shortly with another post! :)

Hello, I am still here!

...and Happy 4th of July!

I have been gone long and have various reasons.  Ultimately, sometimes blogging can just get to the point when you really need a break.  I also just needed a break from stressing about the weight and the diet.  However, I have not ceased stressing... of course. :)  My high school reunion is coming up on the 16th and I would love to drop another 10, but well if you are a true follower then you know my struggle between HCG and the Sugar Free Protocol.  I am not sure what to do and to tell you quite frankly I am just getting to the point of realizing things will come into perspective when the time comes.

So anyway, just want to drop a note to let you all know I am still here and thanks for the concern Karyn!  Hope you all are well and hope to be back with other updates...

I will leave you with a good ole' mirror picture I took this afternoon. :)  Since I never got around to taking a picture once I reached the 140's.  I am  at 150.6 and am happy about it because I was residing firmly at 155 for a long time these past few weeks.  

Got to love ourselves or love the journey of learning to love ourselves... if that makes sense. :)