New Plan: Hello, again! Day 1

I don't really know how to start this post.  If you are a loyal reader you know I have been through HCG, been very successful, started reading HCG was bad for you, decided I believed it to, went through with various other avenues to try and control my weight, got completely depressed about the whole process and myself... and now I am going back to HCG.

Now, I still believe the HCG diet is not that great for you, and there are many other wonderful options out there for people.  I sincerely believe I lost hold of stabilizing because I was torn, lost focus and a belief in what I was doing.  However, I don't really care anymore I guess.  I weighed in this morning and it is pretty bad:  181.8 pounds.

That's right people.  I have been feeling miserable, and not because I am tipping the scales at my old weight again, but because I have just been spiraling out of control.  So I decided I am going to do another month long round of HCG.  October is going to be the month!  Tomorrow is the first and today I am loading.  

The first item on the list to eat for loading:  Baked Oatmeal

Oh my word!  This stuff is amazing and so, so good for you!  Check out the link!  So I started out loading not with my usual list of terrible food, but rather with a nutritious meal packed with good fats, proteins, minerals etc, etc.  I soaked the steel cut oats last night and my little ones and I dined on a delicious pan of goodness straight out of the oven.  My kids love this meal!  My baby has not been eating much and this morning he just gobbled up a huge plate of the yummy oatmeal smothered in cream and topped with blueberries.  It makes me so happy to feed them well. 

So yes, I have incorporated healthful things in our lives for my children, but right now I am going to dig deep and get back to a good ole' round of HCG.  My icthyosis is flaring up again, and from previous posts some of you may know HCG is the only thing that has actually eliminated this skin eruption from visibility.  I can't wait to feel great and lose some weight.

So whatever people have to say about it, I am getting back to HCG.  My plan is to seriously dedicate myself to a full month and then prepare to transition into a different way of living.  I will be posting periodically about said way of living and trying to clear things up in my mind of how and what this means for me.  It is extremely difficult to change, but I am going to make an effort.

I will be trying out the HCG diet with a few alterations:  1. Still going to drink whole cream in my coffee in the morning. 2. Going to try out fried eggs this time.  and, I will update any further deviations I may try...

I also, may incorporate this meal replacement on days that I may not have the energy or time to eat according to plan (these days are inevitable for me, especially running around constantly getting kids to all of the various places they need to be):  Primal Fuel  It does have some carbs and sugars, but I will see how it reacts to this diet.  Also going to add this supplement:  Advanced Health Formula

Also, I will still be dedicating myself to completing my yoga book once again too!  This will be a time to back track to old familiar places that have worked in the past and can work again.

So there you have it my friends!  I said hello, I said goodbye and now I say Hello, again! :)

Can't wait to take a picture of myself without worrying about angles and cropping to make it look like I am slimmer than I am.  Although, I love this picture- I took it to make myself feel better about myself and instead it makes me just feel worse, because if anyone were to see me in real life it wouldn't add up... So here is to starting to take care of myself again and in the process feeling so much better!  

Update: Ordered the supplements and can't wait to try them out, especially the meal replacement.  In the past there have been those days that I have just wasted because I was bored and didn't want to fix anything and so started to eat something off protocol.  This might help?  Who knows!  

Actually a plan starting to form!

As of yesterday I have been in the process of formulating a plan.  I am actually feeling like I can and want to start taking care of myself.  

I am planning on giving The Primal Blueprint 30 day Challenge a go.  I need to obtain resources to do this, such as supplements and a few books.  I just am not that clear on how to go about the Challenge as of now. I need to read up and get prepared.  But, I believe this is what I am going to choose as my challenge to get me out of this rut and hopefully on a path that will turn into something lifelong.

I am a bit overwhelmed.  So...  

...I am pulling out my old yoga book.  I need something familiar to go along.  I know it seems rather corny, but I absolutely love this book!  I made a determination to follow this book for the full 28 days a few times in my past and each time it has made small and yet profound impacts on my life.  I thought I might as well incorporate this simple book into the plan too.

In addition, I am going to make a commitment to start blogging again.  This blog is an actual visible, tangible expression of my progress (or lack there of, sometimes :)).  Remaining accountable to this little journal and all of you out there who follow causes me more directly to answer to myself.  I am going to try to write more for me than the audience too.  I don't mean this as rude at all!  Sometimes blogging can be wonderful, if it comes from a raw and untamed place.  And on the other hand blogging for me, can be actually detrimental, if it comes from a self-conscious and "outside of myself" place.  Now that doesn't mean I am going to reveal all, :) but it does mean I am going to consciously decide if my writing is aimed at actually improving my life and health.  If you all find it interesting all the better! :)  I am going to really make a strong effort and draw on that determined spirit I have had in the past, for which I am most certain I can summon again.

More to follow, as things become more clear.

P.S. Thanks my loyal, awesome friends for your comments and presence!  

...just a little scared

Hello, hello! :)

Helderheid... you inspired me to write a post.  I was so glad to see your post!  You have done awesome and can't wait to see what more you do!

So here I am tentatively peeking my head around the corner, shyly dipping my foot in the water... insert any analogy here for someone who has stayed in the shadows for way too long and is just a little scared of the blinding spotlight.

...the self-confrontation spotlight is what I speak of tonight.  I have been ignoring myself for a long time now and to tell you all quite honestly I am kind of scared of acknowledging myself again.

I am scared of telling you all how I have fallen off the wagon about a hundred miles ago, rolled down a steep cliff, landed in a pile of something, not sure what :) and am sitting at the bottom not doing a damn thing to get myself out.

Also, I just read a post by Sheryl, aka. Bitch Cakes on her blog that may illuminate my struggles a bit more:  A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures

Something struck me in her most recent post:

  "I don't recall a specific moment or incident when I suddenly began to accept myself, but if I had to think about what caused the change, I am certain it started pretty early on in the journey. That’s important to note because the self acceptance didn't happen when I became a certain size or weight. It began to evolve simply from the act of taking care of myself - in regards to both food and activity. By taking control of my choices and my life, I was telling myself I was neither worthless nor hopeless like I had told myself for so long.

Making those positive changes meant I mattered. And making those better choices helped me repair the mental and emotional damage I had caused and subjected myself to for so long. By taking care of myself I was finally showing myself love and kindness and compassion - which I’m certain was what planted the seeds of self-acceptance." 

Self-Acceptance at Fit Bloggin, Bitch Cakes

Self-acceptance doesn't come from a certain size or weight, but rather "from the simple act of taking care of oneself."  Wow!  It just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks.  That is what these feelings of "worthlessness and hopelessness" come from- not doing anything to take care of myself!!!

I have been beating myself up non-stop this summer telling myself it isn't that difficult, what is your problem?!  Get it together already!  I get up and go for a couple days and then slip back, hit repeat button.  Taking steps towards caring for myself again might be the thing that breaks the cycle?  And, I am just a little scared.  That may sound ridiculous but it is the perfectionist/defeatist in me that makes me think I shouldn't even give it a try because I may fail.  However, the simple truth is I am already failing.  Not because I am no longer a size 8, but because I am sitting down.  Ultimately, all those inspirational photos are worthless if you don't take just one and let it get down into your soul, if you all can understand what I am trying to say.

Now I am not saying tomorrow morning I am going to wake up ready to go, but I am saying maybe just maybe you all might see me again. :)

Miss you all and I send out my love to each and every one of you!
Maybe I can turn this thing around yet!

Be well.