Dreaming

I am not going to lie it has been a rough several weeks. Tonight I had a burst of energy that made me almost forget the miserableness I have been going through. It was a weird burst of energy though. One where I didn't stop cleaning my house, but where at moments I would intermittently burst into tears? However, I have had a week where I felt like I really needed to cry and I just couldn't. So, it felt good. Crying is funny that way. It can be very healing and soothing sometimes.

Anyway, I am actually only about 11 weeks right now so not as far as I had originally thought. We had a sonogram (will post the pictures at some point). It was nice to see that it really is a tiny, little growing baby causing all the trouble and not some parasite or something. :)

I have not weighed for about 2 weeks. I am terrified. I thought I was fine for awhile and then all of the sudden I started fitting back into some of my larger sized clothing. :( Oh, man this pregnancy is going to be hard in the weight gain area. I just am not ready to get all big again. I am one of those women who get big and puffy all over- not just the cute pregnant belly. I guess it is difficult after you lose a lot of weight just to have it decimated within a matter of months or in my case weeks. I am a little overwhelmed also with the daunting 7 months ahead. It seems like such a long time to basically be on hold and dedicate my body to growing a baby. I never had these feelings with my first two, but this one is definitely different. Perhaps when I start feeling better these feelings will go away and I can just settle into the great work. :)

I am just lonely and stir crazy (and yet don't really want to be around anyone or do anything) and the weather we have been getting is not helping. We received a ton of snow yesterday (and it was thundering while it was snowing- you can never guess the weather here :)). And, we got some more snow this evening. I just want green, lilacs and warm sun. That is one of the symptoms I am having during this pregnancy- chills and fever. I can't regulate my temperature among other undesirable symptoms. Oh boy, I am such a whiner. But, hey this is a blog and you got to expect some of that. :)

I am dreaming of a spring to come to our neck of the woods soon and along with it relief from first trimester symptoms. So, I will leave you with a couple photos I took last spring of some flowers that will surely return to our backyard, I hope?! :) I was just thinking... I was still larger than what I am now last spring. Can't believe it is coming up on a year of successful weight loss on HCG?! Well, this time next year I should be nearing my goal again...

Wishing for one more day

I have been so awfully sick as of late. Unlike anything I experienced with my other two pregnancies. My doctor called in some medicine today and I am starting to feel like I can get through the day. I am so relieved. I am holding out hope that it only persists through the first trimester and then I can relax and semi-enjoy my last pregnancy. Through the weeks of feeling like I have been run over by a truck repeatedly I have had thoughts- painful thoughts... thoughts about my parents.

I called and left a message the week before Easter and asked for just one day. Back so long ago it seems they invited my husband to be to Easter. That was in 2004. I called and left my voice on the recorder. I suggested that perhaps we could take just one day a year to come together and leave our differences at the door. I thought spring would be good a time. A time of renewal and regrowth. Apparently, they didn't think it was a good idea as I have heard not a word. Can you imagine receiving a call from your long, lost daughter asking for one more day and ignoring that call? I can't. I don't understand. I feel like the pain I have from being rejected of this simple request doesn't compare to the isolation and regret that they must undeniably feel. My Grandmother, my mother's mom called too and she ignored her, too. A call from your mother and daughter and nothing... really? The really sad thing about it all is that we are not gone forever. We are still alive and can't have that one more day for some reason.

We are going to bring another child into the world sooner than later and yet again my parents will choose not to share in that joy. I want my mom to be here to help me through my fears and rejoice in my successes. I want my mom whenever I feel the full impact of my own motherhood.

Anyway, I continue to hope and love even though at times I wish I could just turn it off. However, I am proud and would never trade the fact that I can love and be loved. I find great comfort in the love shared between myself and my Grandma. I am glad that I am like her. My mother used to say that to me, "Don't be so like your Grandma." I don't understand why she saw the attributes of unconditional love, forgiveness, care for others... among others so adverse. My Grandma is a remarkable woman and I love her dearly. We have each other.

Okay, so enough of the pity party. :) I have got over my fear of weighing in daily. I just have this fear that I am going to be up and over 200 pounds again in a blink of an eye (yep, that happened with both of my previous pregnancies). I am really going to try to keep my weight gain down this time. I want to start working out and have a "fit pregnancy." Whatever that means, right? :) No, I just feel like I can't just let myself go and forget all I have learned over the past months on HCG drops. HCG is a wonderful thing in the pregnant woman and I need to use it to my advantage. I had no idea about HCG before and now I just feel like I have a leg up understanding what kind of foods and quantities can pack on the weight under the influence of HCG. We will see how well I do! And, it is true you are not eating for two. You are eating for the health of yourself and a tiny growing being (that doesn't need that whole cake :)).

Well, I better close for now and catch up with some of your posts. :) Thanks to you all for listening and it is so nice to have this little place in bloggerworld where I can retreat to and vent my different feelings. Goodnight and happy spring (I think... seems like it will never get here:))...