So life in "maintenance" is proving difficult. I am completely freaked out about what may be going on with my body and all the "full fat cells" I have added to my body with the HCG diet. How do I fix all this?! I am still 5 pounds above lowest weight and I am not going to lie, it sucks. (This is due to my inability to gain control right now, not my diet- I have been eating a lot of crap.) I am really detesting seeing 150 something. I am so sick of the 150's, and yet I am doing nothing about it. Oh, and I am having my whole eating at night during my sleep thing again! ACK! It is almost involuntary and seemingly impossible to stop in the moment. I am in a sleep/awake kind of mode and I just eat food- typically crackers with cheese, chocolate, fruit, or nuts. It just is not fun! I don't like the feeling- the lack of control. I even hate to admit it here, but I must for honesty sake. I am so surprised I have been able to keep it only at 5 pounds gained with all this. So, I am in a constant state of, "Oh, what the hell... and omg, I have got to get back down."
And now I have this whole new turmoil of how am I going to justify paying for blood work, change midstride, convince everyone I was wrong, admit I was wrong, get my sister-in-law off of it (btw, she has reached One-derland now and she is riding a momentum streak and won't really listen- yet). I guess I am just going to have to buck up and get these tests done and get on with "fixing" my body. You can talk all you want, you gotta prove it though-that's what counts!
Am I rambling? I am most definitely rambling... well on with it... and I got the Implanon birth control device yesterday which is great, but also worrying. Everywhere you turn something has the potential to kill you or make you feel like shit (hopefully, I will be happy with it- birth control just worries me). Anyway, to top it all off I just found someone to watch our kids this weekend so we can go to my husband's reunion, which is great! (Thank you so very, very much- you know who you are! :)) But I am freaking out about that! What am I going to wear? I feel fat! On and on and on, I tell you! Fretting over all these really stupid things. I mean the weight loss, and healthy body function perhaps not, but everything else.
Oh man, then there is all this other deeper stuff, but I have rambled long enough and sometimes you just gotta know when to shut up :)... I hope you all are more sane than I am right now! :)
P.S. This post is making it sound like I am running around with my head cut off, but the fact is this is all internal. Life is good, I am just having an internal struggle with how to begin to transition into something else and fix damage. I mean I loved HCG so much and loved what it did for me, but now I am just so frustrated! Part of me is just tempted to stay the course and repeat insanity all over again, because it is what I know and it is "easy." But the other, overriding part of me says get the hell off of the HCG train... and what about all the people I got on it! I feel guilty and badly. This battle is so tiring sometimes. This battle seems pointless sometimes. Where is the white flag, and if I waved it would mercy befall me anyway? I think we all know the answer to that question. Surrender is not an option.
